Apparently my office is surrounded by this great place called Alaska. So I thought I should get out and take a look at it.

My friend, Dennis Zaki, and I have been talking about taking the families on a camping trip for two years now.  Finally I ran out of excuses and we planned to hit the road last Sunday night. Oh boy?

I loaded up the old Durango, made sure my I-Phone was fully charged, and headed off to Sutton, Alaska.

Yep that's Sutton, Alaska on that map. What? You can't get a good idea of what Sutton is like from just looking at a map?

Well here let me show you a picture.

 
What? You would like to see more of Sutton? Well you my friend are out of luck because, besides the fire station where we were standing when we took this picture, this IS Sutton, Alaska.

You see in Alaska the difference between "town" and "smattering of buildings built fairly close together" is virtually non-existent.

I do believe the founding of most towns goes something like this:

"Hey Frank, did you notice that somebody went and built a bait shop next to the gas station/house of ill repute?"

"Yeah I did."

"Well daggumit, I think we got ourselves a town here Frank!  Whatchyou wanna call it?"

"Hell, let's name it something purdy, like Chlamydia."

"Nah, don't be ignorant, that sounds too French!  Let's call it something that will always demand respect, like Wasilla!"

"Perfect!"

(So now you know how Wasilla got its name. Go ahead, look it up!)

From Sutton (Or as I called it, "That building standing all by itself.") we turned left and headed up toward the area where Dennis swore there were tons of fossils to hunt and a breathtaking view of the mountains.

That was the good news.

The bad news is that THIS was the road that led to it.

Yes, in Sutton THAT is considered a "road."

I knew it would be difficult when I passed a mountain goat walking the other way shaking his head and going "Fuck that, I am going back."

But I am an Alaskan dammit. so onward we go.

It really wasn't so bad if you drove three miles and hour and kept your sphincter squeezed shut the entire time. (Here is the link to the video that Dennis shot just in case you think I am exaggerating.) Finally we got past the rough part, and I stopped to stretch my legs and do a little vomiting.

Okay back to the vehicle. (If you are noticing my gray hair I should probably inform you that it was golden brown when I started up that "road.")

On the way to the campsite we stopped to collect fossils. 

 As you can see there were indeed fossils. LOT'S of them. The kids LOVED it!

We also found some petrified wood. (Insert Hugh Hefner Viagra joke here.)


After finding about two dozen fossils, and feeding the local mosquitoes until they were too full to fly and could only stumble drunkenly along the path, we got back into the Durango and headed to the campsite.

Okay you have to admit that IS pretty gorgeous!

Before we built our fire, and burnt ourselves some dinner, we decided to pitch our tents.(You know I have such a juvenile sense of humor that I had to lower my head to hide the smile that spread across my face every time somebody said "pitch a tent." No it is not likely that I will grow up any time soon, but thanks for asking.)

Dennis pitched his tent ("giggle") near the edge of the cliff because he wanted to have the best view of the mountains in the morning. I informed him that where I pitched my tent ("snicker") I had virtually the same view while completely avoiding the risk of stepping out to urinate in the middle of the night and plunging to my death. He was not amused.

After we ate we started talking politics. We talked about Rupert Murdoch's crumbling empire, the insanity of the Teabaggers, and puzzled as to why people were still fooled by Sarah Palin's magically fluctuating breast size.

After we had exhausted those subjects, and many more, we turned in.

Though the view was spectacular, the ground was so hard that I got up several times in the night to check and see if somebody had paved under my sleeping bag when I was not looking.  There was no pavement, but I swear that the ground was so unyielding that I woke up with bruises on my soul.

I was also trying to find a signal for my I-Phone to moderate comments and check e-mails while lying in my tent, which had me flailing my hand around like a lunatic for much of the night. (I did manage to moderate over a 120 comments despite poor service, and shooting pains in my back from lying on the section of petrified earth that was serving as my bed. You're welcome.)

After a fitful night I awoke at 5:30 A.M. (just like every morning) to get my cup of hot coffee and surf the internet, before suddenly realizing there was NO coffee, and there was NO internet. WTF? Who lives like this?

However the view that morning WAS pretty stunning.

After building a fire, and leaning over the cliff to snag a signal in order to moderate more comments, and to make sure my robo-posts posted successfully, I kind of got bored. After all, I am an internet junkie who is always surrounded by multiple electronic devises feeding me information 24 hours a day.

In other words, I was jonesing bad!

I wandered around for about an hour, peed on some bushes, and prepared a blueberry bagel with cream cheese for my breakfast. About that time everybody else started getting up as well, and after all of the others were fed, Dennis and I looked at each other and realized that we had squeezed pretty much all of the entertainment value out of the whole camping thing and needed to get back to our jobs, coffee, and, of course, the internet.

So we packed up our things, peed one more time on the bushes, and started on the long roller coaster like drive down the mountain. (Just as harrowing the second time as the first time, by the way.)

All in all it WAS a lot of fun.  But after I arrived home I remembered what is always my favorite part of the whole camping experience, and that is the long hot shower I take afterwards.

Oh did THAT feel GOOOOOD!

We are currently in discussion about another overnight camping trip. I have no idea when, or where, we might go, but Dennis just vetoed my first suggestion of camping in my backyard so I can access my Wi-Fi all night and have a hot cup of coffee in the morning.

Some people are SO difficult.

(Here is a panoramic view that Dennis stitched together using several photos, so that you can enjoy the same view we did without having your fillings knocked loose on the way up.)