A Christmas Memory.

The little family in the picture is my family.

The dark, good looking gentleman is my father.

At the time of the picture we had not seen him for almost two years. After he left that night we did not see him again for another three. He was not so much my father as the face in a picture and an emptiness in my heart.

He passed away one year ago today.

Though I did get to know him a little better as we got older he always remained an enigma to me. The man whose features look back at me in the mirror never really knew his children. I believe he loved us but was unable to show his love. As the years went by he could not speak to us on the phone without sobbing.

His alcoholism ended his life at a much too young sixty three.

Whenever I imagine my father, I think of this picture. This captures exactly how he made us feel when we were children. My brother and sister's sense of abondonment makes them cling to each other in his presence and I stand uncomfortably sorting through my emotions. I wanted to hug him but I guess I knew he was going to break my heart again. And I was right.

As an adult I desperately wanted to get closer and to understand....why? But he could not have answered me. Because he did not know. I wrote him a letter once that asked many questions about those days and why he did not visit us more often. He acted like he never received it. So I just pretended the same.

So good-bye Dad. No hard feelings. In many ways the parent you were not, made me the parent that I am. So I guess I owe you that.

I love you. I wish I could have told you that.