First global warming started drowning our polar bears, then the FBI ransacked our senate headquarters, and now we have a ghost ship fill with zombies!

It was initially spotted in May, drifting 250 miles south of the Aleutian chain. There are no markings on the barge to indicate a port or country of origin. The only markings on the barge are "CTP 424," located approximately 20-feet aft on the port and starboard sides, and a Russian class society load line along the waterline. The barge is not listed in any available data bases.

Based on this flimsy evidence it is clear to me that the ship is a haunted vessel filled with brain devouring zombies!

Finally, something that my fellow Alaskans can shoot without applying for that pesky hunting license! I am sure that every hunter in the state is tracking the ship's trajectory so that they can set up their "Zombie hunting" blinds near the coast and get the first clear shots at those undead out of staters. There is nothing that old time Alaskans dislike as much as "out of staters", but there are all of these pansy-ass laws against shooting at them.

But now...now...these Alaskans can finally unleash their rage at the reason for all of the traffic, and ugly new construction, and at the cry-babies that freak when a bear eats their garbage and calls Fish & Game. (So now we all have to take our garbage out on the morning that the garbage truck arrives, instead of just leaving it out all week long like the good old days.)

Now they can shoot the newcomers as soon as their shoeless, decayed feet hit our tundra. "Die, you Zombified brain eating Cheechako, die!"

Yep it is going to be a gore fest! And if they miss a few, so what? I mean they eat brains! Surely they will starve to death before they get too far inland! Have you ever talked to a "real Alaskan"? It is not exactly a deeply philosophical discourse.