Stephen Colbert writes Maureen Dowd's column. Oh you have to read this!

I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business:

Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.

So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today? Simple. Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all previous elections, is important. And a lot of Americans feel confused about the current crop of presidential candidates.

For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because she’s legitimately scary.

After reading this I have come to one conclusion. Colbert should stick to television.

You just cannot really appreciate the Colbert experience without the raised eyebrow, the wagging finger, and the barely contained giggles when he makes a mistake.

So put down the word processor Stephen and get you ass back on my television making me laugh at the things that usually make me cry. And hurry because I already feel a tear forming.