A Pizza Ranch manager in Boone, Iowa, has renamed the restaurant’s chicken salad “Santorum Salad,” after Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum.
Jokes don't actually write themselves, so let's see what we can come up with.
I'll start.
"Rick Santorum believes that a chicken should be considered a chicken at the moment of conception. So this could just have easily been an egg salad, and he would never have noticed the difference."
"You can see how this would be the perfect choice for Santorum. White chicken, in white mayonnaise, served to white people, with a taste for the bland."
"I refuse to eat it. I Googled 'Santorum' and you would NOT BELIEVE what the ingredients are to this salad!"
Okay that's it for me. Anybody else got one?
He doesn't believe in contraception.
ReplyDeleteI guess every sperm is sacred.
What are we, back in Ireland?
Is he a former Catholic?
What is his religion? I never checked it out. Because generally I don't care.
If you allow these Chickens to engage in consensual sex before long the Roosters will be having sex with the Foxes and nothing could be worse for America that Fox on Chicken sex
ReplyDeleteWhich came first the Rooster or the Hen ? Geez chickens don't have orgasms !
Why did the Iowans rename their chicken salad "the Rick Santorum"?
ReplyDeleteBecause it was fowl :)
HAHAHAHAHHA....this boy has to get out more. Waiting for the debates with Obama are gonna be like a wet dream no matter what idiot gets the nod. Too funny
ReplyDeleteHow is this different from anything else you've read?
ReplyDeletehttp://barracudabrigade.blogspot.com/2012/01/report-mother-of-obamas-murdered-gay.html
It happens to all.
Between teabagging and Santorum, I think some people don't have a lot of brains. Or ability to Google.
ReplyDeleteMix Santorum's salad with Palin's word salad and you get a frothy mixture of Shakespeare and Carrie Prejean ... with a side of Nurse Rached.
ReplyDeleteSomething about tossed salad (but I'm not going to be the one to say it).
ReplyDeleteThe only chicken related words that come to mind with Ricky are CHICKEN SHIT.
ReplyDeleteIt's too easy - way too easy. Let's see if Stewart weighs in.
ReplyDeleteWay too funny, people!!! I don't think I dare offer up any more than that - except that Santorum deserves every bit of disrespectful commentary generated by this "salad". His political views are disgusting!
ReplyDeleteWell it does look a bit frothy so there's that for authenticity and truth in advertising.
ReplyDeleteOnly in Iowa? lol
ReplyDeleteGryphen, this should be of interest to your readers.
A brave whistleblower is spilling the beans on Transcanada and asking that Keystone XL not be built.
http://journalstar.com/news/opinion/editorial/columnists/mike-klink-keystone-xl-pipeline-not-safe/article_4b713d36-42fc-5065-a370-f7b371cb1ece.html?mode=story
When they add nuts they call it a perry salad. Add nuts, batter it and fry it on a stick and it becomes a bachmann salad. Marcus loves him some fried nuts!!
ReplyDeleteCan I get one to go, extra frothy sauce on the side?
ReplyDeleteWhy does rick Santorum have to be Catholic? Catholics were also supported unions, and in their history, some of which is pretty decent, we have had many activist nuns and priests who have fought for human rights. Now the extreme reactionaries have moved into the church and when one person says something, the others have to be more extreme.
ReplyDeleteI'll pass on the salad, thank you.
Yesterday when I heard about the salad - first thought was "it's gotta be chicken".
ReplyDeleteI am sure RickS is a nice guy. Family appears happy & well adjusted. He has a law degree - and has served in the US House & Senate for PA. Obviously he is a devout Christian and faith is highly important in his life.
That being said - he cannot seem to put the US Constitution above his personal religious beliefs. Therefore if elected, he would only serve his Gawd - not the Constitution. Even the Bible says "You can't serve two masters"
Looking at his legislative history-it was to promote Christian values & education (intelligent design vs evolution). Also he does not believe in "Right to Privacy" for non-Christian practices (Same sex marriages, abortion, birth control...) We should also remember HIS role in the John Ensign affair, where he knew & counseled John Ensign without reporting him to the Senate Ethics committee. Using his "Faith" based judgement to over-rule his committment to the Senate and obligation to the voters. And one more point, RickS has been a FAUX News contributor.
Just make sure and tell the waitress to hold the creamy dressing on that chicken salad.
ReplyDeleteThat's at least better than the Sarah Palin Platter!
ReplyDeleteAged old moldy turkey on wilted lettuce with flat tomatoes covered with special hand shaken mayo covered with wonky black eyed peas.
Is it tossed?
ReplyDeleteI bet it's tossed.
Hand tossed.
ReplyDeleteGryphen - If this Blog is dedicated to the "truth" you might want to explain that this was a deliberate false Google Bomb by Dan Savage. Perpetuating it hardly promotes your core mission statement.
ReplyDelete12:23 -- Santorum is Catholic, very, very conservative Catholic.
ReplyDeleteSomeone's yelping the new menu offering at the Pizza Ranch!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.yelp.com/biz/pizza-ranch-boone?fsid=IH3ZA2pwWLkiPChAjULD1w
That salad does not look all that frothy. Maybe they should name a drink for Santorum instead.
ReplyDeleteThe chicken talk wouldn't be complete without a little dance--possibly, the Santorum's favorite for their family fun night.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UV3kRV46Zs
Love your post, Gryphen - and by that I mean what you wrote, hehe. Sorry, you got me on the wrong track, and I'm having a good time just imagining what your other readers will come up with (er, create).
ReplyDeleteThe Pizza Ranch is an ultra-Christian restaurant. I don't eat at restaurants that spew God all over the walls, menus, website, etc. I also don't eat at restaurants that spew Republicans all over the walls. And I certainly wouldn't eat at a restaurant that is both ultra-Christian and invites that douche in. I eat at restaurants that put FOOD related stuff on their website, walls, menus, etc. And as an old restaurant worker who spent decades working in pizza places, I just have a feeling that this wonderful chain makes boring, crappy pizza. I'll bet the sauce is tasteless. Barf. And who cares if the story is made up? Santorum deserves every made up story he attracts. The guy is a major dickwad. And if somebody is offended that i don't eat in blatantly religious food establishments, too bad. If I wanted Jesus in my life I wouldn't go looking for him in the fucking pepperoni.
ReplyDeleteIt'd be much better if they don't cook the chicken.
ReplyDeleteFor the full Santorum, the chicken salad will be bathed in chicken e-coli and more.
The salad has it's own twitter feed. Too funny !
ReplyDeletehttps://twitter.com/SantorumSalad/
And once the inevitable customer shrinkage occurs the brilliant mind behind the dish name WILL not connect the dots, those far-right irony challenged morons just keep shooting themselves in the foot, the reason the GOP candidates are all such circus freaks, they let the tea-baggers hijack their Party and still they don't snap out of it even while holding their noses at the voting booth.
ReplyDeleteOh well, there's one thing I can think of to make use of a revolting Santorum themed menu, write it on index cards, pin it to fridge and voila! an effective hunger suppressant aid to help shed those extra holiday lbs.
Santorum Chicken Tossed Salad with Secret Recipe Cream Dip Sauce.
Santorum Hot Fudge Brownies.
Bon Appetit!!
I can still remember when Dan Savage polled his readers as to what would make the best alternative meaning for 'Santorum' and then making the new meaning stick. It was vaguely amusing recently to hear Santorum complain about what comes up when you google his name, but if you're going to be relentlessly intolerant, then you can expect some blowback.
ReplyDeleteM from MD
Kinda greasy and tastes like shit...Let's name it Santorum Salad!!!
ReplyDeleteProof that the food industry is NOT over-regulated.
ReplyDeletewomanwithsardinecan said...
ReplyDelete"If I wanted Jesus in my life I wouldn't go looking for him in the fucking pepperoni."
Too, too funny...and SO true!
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteHow is this different from anything else you've read?
http://barracudabrigade.blogspot.com/2012/01/report-mother-of-obamas-murdered-gay.html
It happens to all.
1:02 PM
Oh no you are not on here pimping that ridiculous Dirty Wig™ loving site!
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteGryphen - If this Blog is dedicated to the "truth" you might want to explain that this was a deliberate false Google Bomb by Dan Savage. Perpetuating it hardly promotes your core mission statement.
2:04 PM
Rick "Frothy mixture" is an ASSHAT! Calling the man what he is...is part of the "core mission statement"!
And I'm offended by their business "ministry" PR bs about good food and good service being some sort of God mission. I made a goddamn career out of good food and service and didn't need to preach to get people to eat it. If you need God to tell you that your restaurant needs to have good food and good service, open another business.
ReplyDeleteI lost my son at 25 weeks, "morbid prematurity" was written on his death certificate.
ReplyDeleteHe lived two hours too, just like baby boy Santorum born at 20 weeks.
We cherished his life and certainly wanted everyone to know he lived and he was here. We held a funeral for him and our loved ones paid their respects.
As a mother, I absolutely identify with Karen Santorum's pain and loss. However, I NEVER would have brought my baby's dead body home, how morbid is that? Not only did they bring the body home, they cuddled the body, took pictures, cooed and shared him with his young siblings.
What a seriously sick act. How does that mess with a child's mind? This was not family values character, it signifies a sadistic, morbid and horrifyingly inappropriate mind-set. A mind-set that wants to micro-manage how we treat our miscarriages and other unfortunate losses. Look at how Santorum dealt with Terri Schiavo?
All the GOP candidates, no matter who comes out of the Primary. They all want to be in our bedrooms, in our Doctor's offices and at the funeral parlor. Small government my uterus.
Freaks.
Enjay on MT..
ReplyDeleteNo, Santorum is not a "nice guy." He falsely claimed (when he was a PA Senator) that HE and HIS FAMILY lived in PA. He even had a suburban Pittsburgh school district taxpayers pay for his children to attend a PA cyber-school WHILE HIS FAMILY LIVED IN VIRGINIA! When the local PA school district (that was being assessed for said cyber-school) investigated this, he sent Homeland Security (!!) to investigate. This was one of the MANY reasons he was not re-elected as a PA Senator. (I'm from PA)
He is a self-serving, chauvinist, pretentious hypocrite.
Take a look at his wife. She looks 20 years older than Rick. She, obviously, has been made to "learn her place" as a breeder.
Seriously, they brought their stillborn son home from the hospital "to sleep with the family and meet the other children!" What nutcases bring a stillborn baby home to traumatize the rest of the family?? And then RETURN HIM (allegedly , but this makes me go WTF?) to the hospital the next morning??
I actually hope he wins Iowa and a couple of other states... it will be fun to bring out his skeletons!
speaking of...
(not to mention, he is WAAAY too anti-gay, which in my book means there is a Santorum in HIS closet)
GINA M-
ReplyDeleteHAHA, I've MET Ricky S.
His google definition is spot on!!
(I have GAYDAR.)
He was my Senator.
This is why he will not ever get the nomination.
I'm sure there are those in GOP who also have GAYDAR (well, that is certain)
and those in Iowa who support him will be so embarrassed
Why is it being served on a diaphram?
ReplyDelete5:48 I had the same experience, so I share your feelings and thoughts about them bringing that baby home. It's child abuse and abuse of corpse, if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteAnd he has a terminally ill daughter who's left home while he's out campaigning.
Those aren't the values I want for my family.
Gross. Looks like a bowl of barf.
ReplyDeleteMinor technical problem here: Unless the Pizza Ranch in Boone IA has been serving Egg Salad made with eggs not normally available to the average consumer, their Egg Salad doesn't qualify for Santorum's special holy status as "Chicken Salad" since the eggs almost certainly haven't been fertilized. Too bad! Always wondered what a chicken would look like with a halo.
ReplyDelete@DKey, @Smirnonn and all the rest of you guys...Thanks for the laughs...Oh it feels good to laugh this hard. I got a great ab workout!
ReplyDelete**************
@womanwithsardinecan,
Tell it like it is woman! You too had me laughing because it's just so incredulous! I feel bad for you that you live in a place where you have seen that kind of stuff. I live in a liberal city (thank my mom's lord) and have never noticed any anything like what you describe. All I can say is...yikes!
Alicat
to poster at 5:48
ReplyDeleteParent who lose a child should do WHATEVER they need to do to mourn that child. It does not and should not matter what others, who have never had such a loss, think.
I have met women who have lost their children at very late stages of pregnancy and were not permitted or encouraged to view the death of their child as a real loss. For them it really was.
Everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way in such situations and the medical community should honor whatever the parents wish within reason.
Interesting news reports found about the Pizza Ranch chain of 150+ Restaurants.
ReplyDeleteImportant fact to keep in mind: The 'medical researcher' founder of the Pizza ranch discussed in the news reports linked here had his convictions vacated. Which according to the reports means the courts decided that he had not violated the law as it was when the events occurred. No convictions, no sex offender registration.
Of all the candidates competing in Iowa Mitt is the only one steering clear of the Pizza Ranch chain. The Pizza Ranch vision is "To glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in."
The New York Times reports something interesting:
Every candidate for the Republican nomination has campaigned at Pizza Ranch, a beloved restaurant chain in Iowa with strong ties to the Christian right.
Every candidate except Mr. Romney. His campaign prides itself on a vigilance and meticulousness bordering on the obsessive. So before Mr. Romney appears at a campaign stop or accepts an endorsement, his staff conducts sometimes painstaking vetting to avoid potentially embarrassing disclosures.
A founder of Pizza Ranch, it turned out, spent time in prison on charges of sexually abusing male employees. “There is not a lot of room for mistakes,” said David Kochel, Mr. Romney’s top strategist in Iowa.
Full story at
www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/us/politics/republicans-wage-hidden-ground-war-in-iowa.html?_r=2&hp=&pagewanted=all
Can't make this stuff up!
Some TV station has this story from 2001 on it's website.
Vander Esch's guilty plea covers three boys he molested. Now authorities think there was a long line of other victims dating back 19 years, which is almost to the start of his Pizza Ranch chain.
The prosecutor has heard from 15 other employees who say they were abused by Vander Esch. The Sioux County Attorney couldn't prosecute those cases because they were beyond the three-year statute of limitations..
Lots more here:
http://www.keloland.com/NewsDetail6162.cfm?Id=12911
In addition to all this:
It wasn't the boys but their parents who brought the case to authorities. They feared nothing would happen because of Vander Esch's high standing in the Orange City area. Before being a successful businessman, he was the Sioux County treasurer. He was also on a Christian school's board, and he headed up the local Republican party.
Same link as before.
Luckily for the 'medical researcher/Republican important guy' a judge decided that the laws didn't specifically prohibit this type of extracurricular fun! If you could lie them into it was no problemo!
Iowa Attorney General Statement:
We have concluded that we cannot successfully appeal and challenge the District Court’s ruling last month that Lawrence Vander Esch’s convictions should be vacated...
... We will ask the Legislature to clarify that if a victim’s consent to a sex act is obtained by fraud, then the act would constitute sex abuse. To put it another way, we will ask the Legislature to determine that, if a person is told that the act to be committed is not sexual in nature when in fact it is a sexual act on the part of the perpetrator, then any consent is invalid, and the perpetrator can be prosecuted for sexual abuse.
Background: District Court Judge James D. Scott vacated Vander Esch’s convictions in a ruling on October 16, 2006, finding that, ... Vander Esch’s conduct did not violate Iowa’s sexual abuse laws because there was essentially consent on the part of the victims even though they were misled. Vander Esch had already discharged his sentence and been released after serving almost five years of a ten-year sentence on four counts of third-degree sexual abuse. ... Judge Scott vacating the conviction means that Vander Esch will no longer have to register as a sex offender or follow sex offender residency restrictions.
http://www.iowa.gov/government/ag/latest_news/releases/nov_2006/Vander_Esch.html
ZOMG!
ReplyDeleteDon't know if you want to post this or not. The facts get explicit.
Found the facts of the court case concerning the 'semen researcher'.
I. Background Facts and Proceedings
Vander Esch was a co-owner of Pizza Ranch restaurants. In June 1998 he asked a young male employee, John Doe #1, if he would be willing to donate a sample of semen for a scientific research project. (At various times Vander Esch represented he was authorized to collect semen samples by the University of Iowa, Iowa State University, or the Sioux County Public Health Nurse. Vander Esch indicated human sperm samples were required for "postate" cancer research).
Doe #1 was promised fifty dollars for a successful donation, and he agreed to the procedure. (One victim was promised $30,000 for something "[he did] every day." He was shown a cash register receipt and told Vander Esch could set up direct tuition payments).
Vander Esch showed Doe #1 his own penis "to make him feel comfortable." Vander Esch then put a condom on Doe #1, and when the procedure was finished he "milked" the penis to "get out all the semen," then took the condom off. (Vander Esch explained to the victims that he had worked for the Sioux County Public Health Nurse and was specially trained to apply and remove a "collection device". He explained that he needed to be present during the procedure to prevent air exposure to the semen sample during removal of the condom and to "certify" the identity of the donor).
He tied the condom, and put it on ice, stating it would be sent to a laboratory for testing. (In one instance, Vander Esch and a victim drove to the University of Iowa Hospitals where Vander Esch went through the motions of carrying a semen sample into the hospital. The victim stayed in the car and was informed Vander Esch had deposited the sample for evaluation).
He later told Doe #1 his sperm count was not high enough for him to be paid for the sample. (It is clear no one was ever paid, and that Vander Esch told all the victims their sperm counts were too low to qualify for payment. He urged the victims to try again and advised them they could achieve higher sperm counts if they were willing to let someone else perform the procedure on them).
Similar circumstances occurred on a second occasion with Doe #1, and on two occasions with John Doe #2, who was also a young male employee at the restaurant. Vander Esch was never authorized by any scientific body to collect human semen samples. The victims indicated they would not have consented to these sex acts if they had known no legitimate research project existed.
The official facts of the case of the 'medical researcher' Pizza Ranch founder can be viewed here.
ReplyDeleteThese are the facts of the charges which he plead guilty to. The appeals were about whether the state law made the acts a crime. Which it was decided they did not.
Warning. The link has explicit details on how a restaurant guy poses as a 'researcher' to personally obtain numerous semen samples for a bogus research project. Posted for purposes of illustrating why Mitt apparently decided to avoid Pizza Ranch and Santorum Salad.
http;//www.iowacourts.gov/court_of_appeals/recent_opinions/20021115/01-1342.asp#_ftn4
ZOMG!
ReplyDeleteDon't know if you want to post this or not.
Found the facts of the court case concerning the 'semen researcher'.
These are the facts he plead guilty to! The argument was about whether the facts violated any state law.
www.iowacourts.gov/court_of_appeals/recent_opinions/20021115/01-1342.asp#_ftn4
I. Background Facts and Proceedings
Vander Esch was a co-owner of Pizza Ranch restaurants. In June 1998 he asked a young male employee, John Doe #1, if he would be willing to donate a sample of semen for a scientific research project. (At various times Vander Esch represented he was authorized to collect semen samples by the University of Iowa, Iowa State University, or the Sioux County Public Health Nurse. Vander Esch indicated human sperm samples were required for "postate" cancer research).
Doe #1 was promised fifty dollars for a successful donation, and he agreed to the procedure. (One victim was promised $30,000 for something "[he did] every day." He was shown a cash register receipt and told Vander Esch could set up direct tuition payments).
Vander Esch showed Doe #1 his own penis "to make him feel comfortable." Vander Esch then put a condom on Doe #1, and when the procedure was finished he "milked" the penis to "get out all the semen," then took the condom off. (Vander Esch explained to the victims that he had worked for the Sioux County Public Health Nurse and was specially trained to apply and remove a "collection device". He explained that he needed to be present during the procedure to prevent air exposure to the semen sample during removal of the condom and to "certify" the identity of the donor).
He tied the condom, and put it on ice, stating it would be sent to a laboratory for testing. (In one instance, Vander Esch and a victim drove to the University of Iowa Hospitals where Vander Esch went through the motions of carrying a semen sample into the hospital. The victim stayed in the car and was informed Vander Esch had deposited the sample for evaluation).
He later told Doe #1 his sperm count was not high enough for him to be paid for the sample. (It is clear no one was ever paid, and that Vander Esch told all the victims their sperm counts were too low to qualify for payment. He urged the victims to try again and advised them they could achieve higher sperm counts if they were willing to let someone else perform the procedure on them). Similar circumstances occurred on a second occasion with Doe #1, and on two occasions with John Doe #2, who was also a young male employee at the restaurant. Vander Esch was never authorized by any scientific body to collect human semen samples. The victims indicated they would not have consented to these sex acts if they had known no legitimate research project existed.
Anon @ 9:32 p.m.
ReplyDelete"Within reason."
Parading the deceased around like a sleeping doll and making your children kiss a body is not within reason.
The spirit has left the body, it is merely a vessel.
I understand grief, most of us do, but what the Santorums do with their own directly affects us all as citizens they mean to influence by public policy and dictating social 'norms.'
What would they demand American citizens do with their miscarriages? I had a D&E of an 11 week old fetus, it was a heartbreak but God's will or Mother Nature's call, the Santorum's would make sure that I be criminally investigated to make sure I did not harm that baby, then they'd make me take the remains home and treat it like a live child for two days?
You have a very odd sense of empathy to think it's okay to criticize a grieving mother for the way she thinks the Santorum's crossed the line.
In early European days they used to prop the dead up for photo's as if living portraits. Does that practice remain today? No, because it is macabre, disrespectful and socially unacceptable.
Alicat, I live in a very liberal small town but have lived all over the west from Alaska to Arizona, rural, small town, and big city. Liberal places, religious places, Mormon country, Republican country. And for 4 years I was married to the son of an evangelical Methodist preacher. In 3D, I can get along with just about anybody, because I keep my mouth firmly shut concerning all things religous, political, and environmental. When my husband and I lived on a Nature Conservancy preserve in Mormon country, we were affectionately referred to as "the fruits and nuts." It was affectionate because we got along well with our ranching neighbors and I took pot roast to the potlucks.
ReplyDeleteanon@548, I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThe few serious posts aside, this is possibly the funniest IM conversation ever. I'm just glad I didn't read it during my lunch break at work...and have to explain to anyone what I was laughing about...
Santorum salad. You couldn't make this stuff up, I swear. I would almost feel sorry for the guy, if he weren't such a genuine asshat.