Saturday, January 05, 2013

A couple of photos that should help put a certain rationalization to rest for good.

I grew up in the sixties and seventies, which was essentially right in the middle of the women's movement, and I well remember the kind of trash that my male peers spoke about girls in those days.

They were essentially separated into three categories:



And dykes.

If they dressed to attract attention they were sluts. If they were unimpressed with the juvenile antics of the boys they were bitches, And if they turned down their advances they were dykes.

And the sad thing is that many of those young men really bought into that mindset. The even sadder thing is that many of today's young men still do.

You might want to make sure you have your morning cup of coffee ready and are sitting down before reading of the horrendous incident that recently happened to a young girl in Steubenville, Ohio.

P.S. For those of you wondering if I joined in with my peers who referred to women as sluts, bitches, and dykes, I didn't.  But to my eternal shame I did not stop them either.

Of course that is no longer the case. Since those high school years I have not only stopped conversations like that, I have also trained dozens of women in how to defend themselves against attack and taught dozens of young men how to properly respect a lady.

In my opinion the latter is more important than the former, and if EVERYBODY taught their boys how to treat women as all men should, then our society would be much the better for it.

What happened in Steubenville should NEVER happen in this country, and the distasteful fact is that of course it does. And it happens far more often than any of us would like to believe.


  1. Leland3:02 AM

    I was raised in the South by parents from California and New Jersey. Respect for women was of paramount importance to them for my rearing, in thought, word and deed. (Sorry about the Boy Scout theft. It just fits too well.)

    I was taught many things about the interaction between male and female, anywhere from "Put down the damned SEAT!" to "No Means NO!". I was taught old fashioned things, too, like holding a door for a lady. Standing when a lady leaves or joins me at a table. Opening and holding doors. A lot of things which some ladies today don't like.

    But most of all I was taught to never be violent. (Of course, for the most part that holds for my interactions with guys, too.) And to hammer this home, even at the height of the troubles my parents had before their divorce, my father NEVER raised a hand against her - let alone struck her! (I found out later she WAS a bitch, too!)

    To this day I get sick at the thought of violence against women and to that end I have been supporting our local Rape Crisis Center as much as I am able. I do physical work around their buildings and supply fresh vegetables from my garden when I have them. I supply foods to the organization when I don't have it growing. In short, I try to help keep the place nice, but more importantly try to remind these poor women that not ALL men are beasts. I can understand why it is such a hard thing for them to relearn.

    It is one of the reasons that there is a "C" in my list of letters. (LUCFT) It stands for Compassion.

    I just wish MORE people could understand the peace and quiet I feel by living by my words.


    1. Anonymous8:21 AM

      I always am suspect of men that say "they never struck" a woman. What about verbal abuse? And then you go on to call your own mother a bitch.

      You are part of the problem.

    2. Chella10:03 AM


      My fathers wife is a vile, disgusting home wrecker of a woman. I abhor her with every fiber of my being, and I can never forgive her for what she has done to my family. Or, the years of psychological abuse my mother and I suffered from my father due to her and my fathers transgressions.

      My fathers wife is not my mother. But I refuse to call her my step-mother. Even typing that brings a foul taste to my mouth.

      Yet, no one outside my immediate family knows that.

      You don't know Lelands childhood situation. None of us do. Perhaps his father was the one was victimized with verbal or emotional abuse.

      My fathers wife is a bitch. I was there, so I can call her one.

      Those privy to what goes on behind closed doors, can justifiably discribe a person in such a way if it's the truth.

      It does not make us part of the problem.

    3. Leland2:42 PM

      8:21, you are making statements concerning something about which you have no information. My mother WAS a bitch! She screwed ANYTHING in pants (male and female), DELIBERATELY flaunted EVERYTHING she did WHEREVER she could and didn't give a rat's ass about her children. Yes, I used the term bitch. Some women ARE.

      And no, I am not saying that men are perfect or even a tenth of one percent of perfect. I AM saying you don't have a clue so don't judge.

      As for my father, he was my example. Never once, with all that my mother did to embarrass him and belittle him and DEFINITELY cuckold him, did he attempt to get violent with her either physically or verbally. I never heard him say anything bad about her - at least within MY hearing, nor my brother's. And I have never had any of their mutual friends make a comment about him saying anything. At least, not until he had to testify in the divorce hearing. (And no, we children weren't there for that.) Yes, he beat the crap out of me, but that was because I refused to simply accept his religious ideas and an entirely different subject. He did not beat my brother, who never questioned the religion.

      And if you doubt any man who says they never struck a woman, then I pity you. There are millions of us who can honestly make that claim - and do, as I did. And I consider verbal abuse a form of striking, so throw THAT out your window, also.

      Some people ARE bitches and bastards and all the other derogatory names we give trash like that. Get over it!

      BTW, Thank you Chella! I am sorry to hear you had the same sort of lousy rearing background I did.


  2. Anonymous5:14 AM

    This is such a horrific topic. Sex has always been equated with power. Often times men will use it to exert power over women, and often women will use it to extort power over men.

    There are two basic concepts here that are fundamental to perhaps reducing the incidence of rape. First and foremost, parents number one duty to their children is instilling respect. Respect for themselves, for others, for all things living. There is so much that could be acomplished if this one virtue was practiced by all. Second, we really need to look around us at how absolutely everything is sexualized for profit. Until sex is viewed merely as an expression of love, and not a currency or a method of control, things will not get better.

  3. Anonymous6:34 AM

    To Gryphen and LUCFT. while your posts show that generally, you are feminists, your language shows how deeply the unconscious inequivalence runs, eve among male feminists.

    Not talking about the word "bitch" here, though some feminists might take exception to that, more so in LUCFT use, than in Gryphen's reference to it.

    I'm talking about the word "lady." Think about this. We have "women" and "ladies." In comparison, we have "men" and "gentlemen" signifying just a type of man, but still a man. Yet we use "woman" and "lady" signifying that a lady is not just a type, adjective added, or subcategory of woman, but truly something apart.

    To little girls, being a lady, has come to mean putting aside and confining one's natural childlike exuberance.

    And that my second part of post, an absolute rejection of the 5:14 post. Permissible sex, especially among teens is not love. It can be fondness, experiment, etc. It should be safe (from disease and pregnancy worries) just a part of growing up. NO teen should be taught that this reciprocated natural urge means house, 2.1 kids, a dog and a picket fence, anymore than decorating your dorm room does. Or flipping burgers means running a McD's franchise your whole life. Commitment is of the mind, not the body- and their minds aren't fully developed until lmid-20's.

    But yes, we do sexualize the young too early, akin to our gassing unripe fruit - fake, and it doesn't ever taste good - just a disappointing waste.

  4. Anonymous7:28 AM

    they drugged her. enough said.

  5. An European Viewpoint7:47 AM

    I also have no patience for Anonymous 5:14.

    Males "exert" power on females, females "extort" power from males ? Sorry to disappoint you, but power is *not* a male prerogative. As a female teacher I have power over many males and I didn't extort it from anybody. I earned it from society.

    Sex as a tool of power is a stupid concept.

    There is no power exchange in accepting nor in refusing to have sex with a partner, male or female. If you, obviously male, want sex with a female and she doesn't - she's not depriving you of anything. You still can have sex with yourself, you still have your hand, right ? You can buy a fleshlight if your hand is not enough.

    If you or a female insist on sex happening as the result of a power play, well that's your kink - but you're wrong to assume that everybody shares it. For most, a "no" is final, and no amount of coercion nor of bending over backwards will make a yes out of it.

    As 6:34 said, sex is not the expression of love, it's a natural urge, that when reciprocated can be exquisite to both partners. I wouldn't enjoy having sex with someone if I felt it was the result of an obligation (like "wedded bliss") or of a power play. Sex is much better when enthusiastically consensual.

    Rape is not about shared physical intimacy. Rape is a hate crime. How some guys can feel aroused by a crying, unwilling, or out cold body I probably will never understand - it's just meat then !

    Raping is exercising one's power to hurt allright. But that's not having sex.

  6. An European Viewpoint8:02 AM

    @6:34 Words affect how we think, true, but Gryphen and LUCFT can't be held responsible for their use of "lady", because "gentleman" countains "man".

    In my own language, neither "lady" nor "gentleman" contains any parts of the equivalents of "woman" or "man". And I consider that any adult woman is a "lady", be her as childlike as she wishes. It's just common respect for adult females, whether they are or not mothers or married. Calling one a "woman" shows less than normal respect.

    I hate being called "miss" by strangers though. It sounds demeaning, as in "you're vapid enough to feel flattered if I pretend you still look young enough to be unmarried".

    1. Anonymous9:21 AM

      Does calling an adult male a "man" mean "less than normal" respect? That shows the discrepancy. Language is powerful; ignorance of the nuance can be excused, but once it is pointed out, it becomes willful ignorance and such continued usage is disrespect.

    2. An European Viewpoint9:33 PM

      I totally agree with you, anonymous 9:21 - my language does have its own sexist issues.

      In my language, "wife" and "woman" are the same word, while "husband" is a different word from "man". I hate that - as if married women didn't deserve a special word. Thus I use "lady" or "spouse" instead of "wife".

      So... I wouldn't throw shade on people using "lady" instead of woman. We agree on the problem but diverge on the solution. Not saying my solution is better through ; it's just how I've reacted so far.

  7. Anonymous8:22 AM

    The main point of the Steubenville Rape case is, in my opinion,


    The young girl (15 yrs. old) broke up with her boyfriend;

    she was at a party and she was drugged (orchestrated by her ex-boyfriend);

    Then the vicious Rapes, urination, etc. were to PUNISH her for breaking up with her boyfriend.

    She will suffer (probably) the rest of her life because she broke up with her boyfriend when she was 15.

    *THIS* is what we need to recognize.

    It. Was. Torture. As. Punishment.

    So. So. sick...

    1. Anonymous9:23 AM

      And 'punishment?!?!?!" as if a girl doesn't have a right to break up. The very idea that she should be punished for making a choice in who she spends time with is anathema.

  8. Anonymous9:33 AM

    I live in rural Ohio. In this area (and I think most rural areas) high school sports are all important and the jocks who play them are gods. They can do no wrong. I have heard people saying that this was the girl's fault...she shouldn't have gone to that party. They totally excuse the boys for their behavior.

    Wrong...absolutely. A fact...absolutely.

    I am not at all surprised at the actions of the coach and school administration. The main thrust of many schools is sports. I honestly sat through a school board meeting where they were deciding what to cut..they chose to hire an assistant football coach (made him study hall monitor) and let an English teacher go. One of the Board member said "who needs English anyway?" (and he was serious..not joking). Every single Board Member is a former high school jock.

    That my friends is life in rural America.

  9. Anonymous9:46 AM

    Self defense is a good idea, but if the rapists drug the victim, then self defense is useless.

    If the accounts in the media are to be believed, then the possible premeditated and organized use of a rape drug against an apparently targeted victim in Stubenville makes me suspect there is a well established M.O. in operation.

    1. You are right, that is why good self defense courses stress prevention, and preparation, and do not focus simply on a physical response to assault.

      I taught things such as proper foot wear on icy streets, parking in well lit places, and never going to a party with people you did not know very well and getting drunk.

  10. You are so very right. I'm the mother--the single mother--of a very large football player. Fortunately, when he was four and already up to my waist I saw the writing on the wall and consciously and consistently began teaching him not only how to respect women, but how to treat everyone with respect while still protecting himself (big guys get bullied more often than you might think--I come from a family that has a lot of them--our current record-holder is 6'8", but 6'3" is average). Since he plays football, we see a lot of aggressive guys. Fortunately our coaches stress things like responsibility, ethical clean play, sportsmanship, and academics--our team has the highest GPA in the state, I believe. Unfortunately, a number of the teams we play reward the sort of aggressive, ungoverned behavior that results in tragedies like this. The "winning at all costs" mentality we too often see in sports is deadly in combination with the "might makes right" mentality that justifies atrocities like this--in the eyes of the perpetrators, at least.

  11. Chella9:52 AM

    I have a third degree black belt. And as a curvy teenager, I've unfortunately had to use what I knew in order to protect myself while I was in high school.

    I graduated in 2004.

    And since then, I've taught countless girls and women how to do the same. How to disable someone. How to break away from a hold. And most importantly, to not be a hero, and run like hell until you are absolutely sure you are safe.

    It's sad that things like this still happen in this country. Where are the role models for our young men to teach them that this disgusting behavior puts them on par with animals.

    It sickens me. It sickens me that while I teach women how to protect themselves, no one is preaching to the power hungry men of America that this is NOT how we are to treat women, let alone ANY other human being.

  12. My 17 year old 6'2 brother learned the hard way about calling a girl a 'slut'. He called me that one day and I, all 5'nothing, threw him down the basement stairs. He never did use the word again - against ANY female. Even going so far as to reaming out any other guy who used that derogatory term.

    As for rape, it is ALWAYS about power. Always. My X was never physical or verbally abusive towards me or any other female in my presence. Little did I know, that he took his frustrations out on the weakest member of the family - our daughter. He began molesting her at 3, raping her at 12, and beating her at 14. I found out 1 week shy of her 16th birthday. He is now facing the same fears in prison, I am sure. As for my son, he has been taught respect for women since he was old enough to understand. To the best of my knowledge (he is only 15, and as much as we like to think we know, when they are outside of our presence, we really do not), he respects females. Although, due to what his father did, he is far more sensitive to females and feels very protective of not only his family, but females in general. I can only hope that what I have instilled in him, continues.

    (*Yes, I committed a violent act some 20 years ago. It was only 1 of 2 times my brother and I were ever physical with each other. We got over it so no need to bash. Thank-you)

    1. Anonymous6:16 AM

      You brag about throwing a boy down a flight of stairs? Yeah I bet your kid watches his mouth.

    2. Anonymous10:33 AM

      Anonymous 6:16 - Seriously? THAT is what you took away from this post?~?
      Yep - there's that forgiving, non-judgemental, intellectual, liberal commentary.

    3. An European Viewpoint9:45 PM

      Very good for you for believing your daughter, not many mothers do. She has much better chances of getting back some parts of her life this way.

      But make sure that your son gets psychological help, just as well as your daughter. Teaching values is great, but incest in one's family is a deep trauma, and traumatized people can act out in unexpected ways.

  13. Anonymous11:09 AM

    Rape is an act of violence not sex.

    It very hard for people who objectify women or children, as sex objects or a lesser human being,to appreciate how disgusting the act of rape is.

    As a survivor and a parent I made sure to teach my children the beauty of both sexes and appropriate sexual behavior. I also taught them of the destruction rape has, through talking about it and by their watching my own struggles to overcome what was done to me.

    1. An European Viewpoint9:48 PM

      Same here... Teaching sex-positive values and enthusiastic consent is the only way to break the cycle of abuse.

  14. Anonymous12:44 PM

    It seems to me we are going through round two of women's revolution world wide. The way women are treated has to change.

  15. Anita Winecooler8:04 PM

    I sent my two daughters and son to learn martial arts. It taught them social skills, boosted self esteem, self discipline, self control and fair play. My kids know we are their parents, not their friends, and if they do something criminal, we'd be the first to take them to the Police. They know this because we had to do it once.
    I never thought I'd say this, but I've gained a great deal of respect for hackers! They found and published the full video, giving the prosecutors evidence to use.
    I was raised in the sixties, and it's sad to see cases like this still happening. I don't think there's one easy answer, and reading the father of one of the perps defend his reputation was difficult for me, considering his son is whole and the true victim is broken.

    This part of your post is what needs to be addressed-

    "In my opinion the latter is more important than the former, and if EVERYBODY taught their boys how to treat women as all men should, then our society would be much the better for it."

  16. Anonymous6:14 AM

    omg I assume you are talking about respecting other women besides your favorite family, because probably half your blog posts (and your fans comments) are dedicated to calling the Palin girls sluts, bitches or dykes. Ironic? Or just hypocritical?

  17. Anonymous7:14 AM

    Readers Share Their Stories of Rape and Sexual Assault

    As protests over inadequate responses to sexual abuse erupt across the world, from India to Ohio, we asked Daily Beast readers to share their personal tales of sexual assault and rape.

    What they offered were powerful memories of fear, stigma and overcoming the past from women around the world. Here are their stories:


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