After years of soul searching, a 38-year-old theology teacher has decided to wed the son of God.
Jessica Hayes married Jesus Christ in a festive ceremony at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Fort Wayne, Indiana on Saturday.
While it wasn’t the wedding day she’d imagined as a little girl, the consecrated virgin still grappled with the big question facing brides-to-be: what to wear.
“I’ve seen so many wedding dresses over the years that I think I’ve probably changed my mind very many times. I had to really consider the appropriateness of the occasion for my dress,” Ms Hayes told WANE.com.
“I wanted my shoulders to be covered, and I would have to lie prostrate before the altar, so I really wanted to make sure that I was well-covered in a way that still shows the beauty of a bride.”
Yep, nothing crazy about marrying a guy that's been dead for over 2000 years. And, spoiler alert Christians, probably was never alive in the first place.
Oddly enough his woman is not the first who chose to be the "Bride of Jesus" as there are apparently 230 "consecrated virgins" in the United States and 3000 world wide.
And yes, before anybody corrects me, I do realize that she is not technically a necrophiliac unless she can find the body of Jesus and then give it the time of its un-life.
Of course if she found the body she would also completely destroy Christianity.
But hey, at least it would have gone out with a bang.
I miss the good old days of faking a birth for attention. These people today..
ReplyDeleteHer eyes say 'crazy'. I'm sure she had an awesome honeymoon.
ReplyDeleteIts Monday. Another beautiful Monday in our life's. How many showed up to the wedding? We should be thankful that this woman will now be married off. One less is best!! Speaking of less. MSNBC is now less. Its a long winding road ahead. History may need to be examined so that we DO NOT ALLOW THE SAME MISTAKES to happen again and that America heals her peoples and relations around the world.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I don't think this conveys the message they think it conveys. That's even creepier than post-mortem baptisms.
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't she just become a nun? Aren;t they "maried to Jesus"?
ReplyDeleteYes but they're expected in most cases to be out working in the world, y'know those beatitudes? That's haarrd.
DeleteYes, and nuns wear wedding gowns for their ceremony. I think it was a perk added to attract more nuns.
DeleteNuns have to obey the particular rules of whatever order or community they have joined. Consecrated virgins are free to live their lives however they want, except for, well, you know, THAT thing.....
DeleteI actually know 2 consecrated virgins. It's kind of sad, really--they're like the Church Lady on steroids. And yes, they both did have wedding gowns, and both wear wedding rings, as do nuns---however, unlike nuns, they don't perform any charitable acts or community service that I can see.
In many Catholic religious orders when nuns take their permanent vows it is like a marriage ceremony, complete with ring. That's tradition and it is understood as a symbolic gesture.
ReplyDeleteBeaglemom
Exactly. The concept is not at all foreign or new.
DeleteUm. How exactly does that work when your groom isn't there to say "I do"? I don't even want to know what her wedding night was like because I imagine it involves a vibrator and watching that movie where Willem Dafoe played Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI am very interested if she went to the DMV to have her last name changed to Christ and if she'll be filing as a married couple at tax time.
PS. This lady is a wackadoodle
They used to call these gals nuns. Guess the shaved head, unstylish wedding dress, and other stringencies are too much for this new group. But many of today's "Christians" make the Jesuits weep.
ReplyDeleteThey're still called nuns. This is standard operating procedure for most religious orders in the Catholic Church. Nothing unusual there. But if this lady is just kind of randomly hitching up with Jesus, she's got a bigger problem than whether she's wearing the right dress.
DeleteWhere is Willow? The last I think I read, she was in Seattle with Track. I could be wrong. Does this mean she is not working?
ReplyDeleteIs she the one who is really pregnant and Bristol is covering for her. When we see Willow in Wasilla again will Bristol suddenly show her new baby?
This is all so confusing... Bristol does not look pregnant at all. She was fatter in Los Angeles than she is now, fat face, etc.
Lol. It would not be so confusing if you simply didn't care Janice! By not caring, you will also avoid layering your own confusing conspiracy theories that are further using up your obvious limited brain power.
DeleteJanice- why do you spend so much of your time theorizing and thinking about the Palins, has beens, nobodies?!
Did her parents, friends and extended family attend? Where are the happy couple registered? Where was the reception? Who removed the garter and threw it to the bachelors in attendance? How did she feed her groom his slice of cake? Who was the best man?
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mrs. Christ. I'm feeling way less pathetic ogling a couple hunks I'm old enough to father at my local supermarket.
I know! My life sucks a little bit less right now.
DeleteSomeone needs to tell this lady that Jesus is screwing around behind her back ... he knocked Bristol up.
ReplyDeleteAt leasr 4 times that we know of! Did the woman give up on men, or did they give up on her? Maybe Bristles would have beter luck going in THIS direction. She has not had any luck landing a husband, in spite of being "special".
DeleteI'm wonderin if any of them considered asking Jesus first? Maybe he's not interested in some fruitcake from Indiana. Holy facepalm, Batman
ReplyDeleteI had the same thought. Does Jesus have any say in this? If he has that many wives, doesn't that make him a Muslim.
DeleteI'll bet she's an absolute demon in the sack.
ReplyDeleteSarah Palin has been fucking Ronald Reagan's dead bones for years, so necrophilia obviously doesn't need a lot of effort.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'll be the one to burst her bubble. Marriage is a civil act in the USA, so without a marriage license she is just living in sin with him.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am sorry, bit half the reason she never could get a date has got to be her hair, if that's the best she could do for an occasion as crazy as this it must look as dirty as Sarah Palins hair on an average day.
So Bristol Palin does still have a chance to get marriaged? All she has to do is revirginize herself one more time after Cletus the Fetus is born.
ReplyDeleteA few thoughts:
ReplyDeleteWith all these consecrated virgins around the world, does that make Jesus a bigamist many times over?
Meanwhile -- from the Department of You-Cannot-Make-Up-Shit-This-Crazy, the consecrated virgins have their own website!!!
http://consecratedvirgins.org/
This page on their website explains it. Sort of.
http://consecratedvirgins.org/whatis
Should we send Bristol a membership application?
Maybe she just needed an excuse for when the immaculate conception gets found out.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... Somehow I thought all those women going into a convent were 'marrying Jesus'. That is why the nuns (at least when I grew up in Europe) all wore wedding rings!
ReplyDeleteSo, is this crazed one becoming a nun? Which convent will she belong to?
What kind of twisted priest would perform this kind of ceremony?
ReplyDeleteAnd the world gets sicker day by day...
ReplyDeleteSee, Christianmingle.com. does work.
ReplyDeleteBest comment ever!
DeleteIf I'm going to marry a god, I'll marry Apollo since he's in charge of the muses and I am the creative type.
ReplyDeleteMan, is she going to be pissed if it proves true that Jesus preferred to get it on with Apostle John.
ReplyDeletePoor thing.
ReplyDeleteShe is no looker, but she could probably have fiound a live husband on Christian Mingle....
Bristol Palin this marriage is not for you.
ReplyDelete"Woman gives up on men, marries Jesus. I forget is necrophilia a sin?"
-Immoral Minority
Before Bristol got pregnant for the second time without a husband, a Immoral Minority reader suggested that with Bristol's track record of having problems finding and keeping guys that maybe Bristol should think about switching teams. It seemed like Bristol took that suggestion but now that she's pregnant again, may be she didn't switch teams or maybe she plays for both teams.
If Bristol follows the lead of the 38-year-old theology teacher and weds the son of God, then what happens if Bristol gets pregnant for the third time does it mean it is obvious Bristol cheated on her husband Jesus?
What if Bristol had a prenuptial that Jesus has to agree to an open marriage? Then it would be okay to get pregnant after marrying Jesus
DeleteJesus better wear condoms if he hooks up with Bristol or he will get stuck with child support. Don't believe I can't get pregnant I had a tubal ligation - my tubes were cut and burned or I'm taking cramp pills. Remember Sarah Palin had a tubal ligation procedure after Piper was born and miraculously gave birth to Trig.
DeleteNo , she just CLaIMED she gave birth to TriG. But she gave burth to a square seat cushion and NAMED that TriG.
DeleteI know that everyone has their favorite conspiracy theory about Trig's birth, but my best friend got pregnant after she had a tubal ligation. Her hubby demanded (and received) a DNA test and they're now parents of a new baby boy at age 44! It does happen.
ReplyDeleteI saw the menu, loaves and fishes will be the main course, and bring your own Water if you plan on having wine with dinner. Figs, dates, walnuts and honey will be served for dessert in liew of a cake,
ReplyDeleteThe Bride and Groom are registered at LORD and Taylor's, Chic Fil A, and Hobby Lobby. No D,J,, and she can guarantee the groom won't see her before the wedding day, but there's a huge string attached, She's a mortal, and the only way for her to see Jesus is to pass on and wait for judgement day. .
Once Upon a Time...... fill in the blanks..... and they lived vibrantly ever after!!!
You've been punked.
ReplyDelete