I don't like Missionaries!

Okay it is not really Missionaries that I don't like, it is their position.

Here let's back up. I visited a site where they were taking a survey about your favorite sexual position. (It was not a porn site. Don't judge me!) I could not immediately think of one, but I knew right away which one I disliked the most. The missionary position.

As some of you might know I just ended a rather long marriage. In which the position of choice was the afore mentioned position. We had sex that way more then real missionaries did. And before you judge me for being a complainer let me take you inside a typical missionary session.

Me: Ooooh yeah that feels good.
Me: Uuumm yeah, thasss nice.
Her: Beige.
Me: Yeah baby beige. Wait....what?
Her: Beige. We should paint it beige.
Me: Paint? Paint what?
Her: The ceiling.
Me: What ceiling?
Her: Our ceiling. The one behind your head. I think it will look much better painted beige.
Me: Wait, you are thinking about painting the ceiling now?
Her: Well I already decided what to paint the bathroom. Oh and you need your eyebrows plucked.

Get the picture? So missionary is out.

I guess "guy behind girl" would be better. More vulgarly referred to as the "doggy position". Which I totally don't get. I believe that almost all animals do it that way.

The "animal position", now that sounds better!

Besides that way I can still see the television.