Who is the Real Lord of Christmas?

Who is the real Christmas icon? Is it the so called "reason for the season", sandal shorn and abiding in caves? Or is it the "Jolly old elf", resplendant in red and white fur and living in opulence in the frigid North Pole? Let us check the pros and cons.

Jesus Pros: He suffered to bring his version of the Lords word to the masses. He died an ignoble death on the cross almost bare assed naked.

Cons: He said he would return during the lifetime of at least some of his followers. So far, no show. I call that unreliable!

Santa Pros: Every damn year he loads his sleigh with toys and flies all over the world to deliver those toys to a bunch of snot-nosed little greedheads. Very reliable! He also lives in one of the most inhospitable climates on the planet, with some cranky elves, and high maintenance reindeer.

Winner: Jesus! I mean come on he died for the holiday!

APPEARANCE

Jesus Pros: He was slim. He had that cool glowy thing around his head.

Jesus Cons: He was a hippy. He wore a bedsheet. He seems to have let his feet be washed way more then the rest of him.

Santa Pros: He just looks so friendly! He seems well fed and pleasant. He dresses for the weather and makes the look work for him. He is a trend setter. There are always multiple Santa impersonators in malls all around the country.

Santa Cons: He is fat! That just does not fit in well with our get "skinny at all cost" societal mores. He just has just the one outfit! He often looks hot and uncomfortable in the mall with an endless line of rugrats jumping up on his lap and begging for toys that they don't really deserve.

Winner: Santa! Santa had the good sense of letting the ad-men from Coca-Cola pick the colors of his outfit for him, making him much more marketable. Very shrewd.

PLAYER SKILLS

Jesus Pros: He had Mary Magdalene and she was hot in "Jesus Christ Superstar". Well at least the movie version.

Jesus Cons: There is still some question as to whether or not Jesus actually hit that. If he spent his life being celebate then he is just out of the damn running.

Santa Pros: He is married to Mrs. Claus. He still gets hundreds of young female office workers climbing onto his lap at parties and whispering naughty things into his ear.

Santa Cons: His wife looks almost exactly like him! Is she his sister? Maybe his huge ego means that he is only attracted to his female doppelganger. It seems Santa is naughty, not nice.

Winner: Santa! No brainer, cause Jesus seems to have totally misspent his bachelor days and then died before he could get his freak on. Too sad.


RELEVANCE

Jesus Pros: Christianity is the worlds largest religion though it has been losing some ground recently to that upstart Islam. The United States is being led by a man that professes to be an adament believer in the teachings of Jesus. So he has that. Republicans in America have started a campaign to get the Holidays back from the secularsts and to put it back in the hands of the Jesus freaks where it belongs.

Jesus Cons: Many of his followers come off as a little crazy! Pat Robertson and company routinely call on Jesus to kick the shit out of anybody who does not believe exactly as they believe. That is just bad P.R.. Because of the unfortunate Iraq war many other countries are connecting Christianity with intolerance and even ethnic cleansing. That will not help fill the pews!

Santa Pros: He is non controversial, embraced by both the religious and secular. He seems to genuinely want to give and give and give, without expecting much more then a few stale cookies in return. He openly embraces capatalism and is the darling of marketers around the world.

Santa Cons: Anybody can be Santa! All it takes is a moth eaten red costume and a crappy beard and you can totally fake out a bunch of children into sitting on your lap and spilling their guts. This just waters down the Santa trademark and makes it hard to define just who Santa really is!

Winner: Santa! Many people celebrate Christmas without giving a thought to Jesus. But nobody celebrates without seeing Santa in every store they visit and seeing commercial after commercial featuring the fur clad elf. It was no contest really.

So the Lord of Christmas is Santa! Long may he reign!

P.S. To my Christian friends who think that I am too prejudicial to give Jesus a fair shake I say this; So?
I actually dressed up like Santa twice. I worked for an organization who asked if I would do it and I did. It was very enlightening! Santa holds a ton of power!
I also was almost Jesus. I auditioned for a part in "Jesus Christ Superstar" and was offered the choice of two parts. The other part, which I probably would have taken, was Judas. Try not to read to much into that. I did not go back to that school so I played neither part.