This is why I don't drink.

This kind of compulsion fascinates me. What screw is so loose that it makes this seem like a good idea?

This is my favorite part of the police report.

Mason Police Officer Scott Miller pulled the truck over. His report states: “I observed Cole to be wearing a very skimpy woman’s … bikini with two tan water balloons taped to the top to simulate two woman’s breasts and a pair of pink Speedo flip-flop sandals.

At least he had the forethought to attach the water balloons for authenticity. I wonder if he is married. Because he sure won't be now!