Top Ten Stupid Things about Hunting.

10. Camouflage. Why do hunters wear camouflage? Animals are colorblind! So who are you hiding from? You could wear bright pink raincoats and carry purple parasols and the animals could hardly care less. Let’s face it, hunters dress up for other hunters, just like women dress for other women.

9. Taxidermy. Even though we all know that most hunters shoot the animals when they are eating, taking a nap, or taking a crap, they always have the taxidermist pose the animal as if it was about to rip their heads right off. Let’s face it if the animal were really coming at you like that before you fired off a shot, then its your head that would be hanging on their wall.

8. Taking an ice chest of Budweiser hunting with you. Because nothing says “gun safety” like stumbling through rugged, unfamiliar terrain with a loaded weapon and the inability to focus your eyes.

7. Hunting Farms. In these facilities a hunter pays to hunt animals raised in captivity and then released in a fenced enclosure to make it easier to kill them without all of that unnecessary…uh….hunting for them. So essentially you are killing a pet. So I just have to wonder why you would pay to go to one of these farms when there are probably several pets in your very own neighborhood. I mean if that poodle across the street won’t stop barking then doesn’t that cry out for an impromptu hunting trip? You may not even need to leave your front yard! And won’t little Fritz’s head hanging on your wall make you just beam with pride?

6. Automatic weapons. These are clearly weapons for the man who is just too lazy to take the time to aim. Who needs a weapon that fires 1800 rounds per minute? What do you do stand in the middle of the forest, holding down the trigger, and spinning in a circle?

5. Claiming that you hunt just like your forefathers did before you. Let me explain something to you Skippy. Your forefathers went into the jungle to hunt mastodons with a pointy stick! Now that was some manly, damn hunting! If you can go into the Alaskan brush with a pointy stick and come out with even a ground squirrel I will be absolutely amazed! But let’s face it, it is much more likely that the squirrel will kick your ass and take away your little stick.

4. Going hunting for bears with a handgun. Handguns are not for killing bears. Handguns are for killing yourself so you won’t suffer as the bear devours you alive! If you shoot the bear with a handgun, you will just make him mad, and he will kill you slower!

3. Rubbing deer urine on yourself to mask your human smell. Because nothing helps to cover the smell of a fat man sweating Budweiser and stale corndogs like a bottle of “Eau de Bambi”. It makes you wonder if the deer are secretly laughing at you for being a pervert who wanders through the woods trying to find deer to piss on him.

2. The excuse that hunting for game is no different then buying hamburger at the store. You know wild animals freely roam the forest having hot animal sex and raising their precious young. Every day they use their speed, strength, and intelligence to survive in a hostile environment populated with dangerous predators, right up until a guy sitting in a folding chair with a scope on his rifle blows a grapefruit sized hole in their shoulder so that they will slowly bleed out on to the forest floor as he carefully gathers his cooler and chair and clumsily makes his way to his bloody prize.

On the other hand cows stand around in a field all day wearing unflattering leather outfits and waiting for a farmer to herd them into a stale smelly barn, attach cold vacuum pumps to their bovine jugs, and then rip the milk from their shivering bodies. When it comes time for them to go to that great butcher shop in the sky they probably fight to be first in line.

And the number one stupid thing about hunting is:

1. The idea that to be a real man you have to hunt. I hate to break it to all of the “real men” out their but putting holes in the indigenous creatures of Alaska will not make your winky any bigger, your kids respect you any more, or keep your wife from banging her personal trainer down at the gym. Killing does not make you a man! Suppressing your emotions, and watching Bruce Willis movies, that’s what makes you man!

Now I live in Alaska which means I am surrounded by people who feel that hunting is more important to them then religious beliefs, political beliefs, or sexual orientation. They just cannot stomach anybody talking smack about hunting.

But I am in no way the typical Alaskan, and I have always found much of the hunting rituals to be silly dress up and play acting for grown men. It reminds me of the men who stay in motorcycle clubs well into their fifties and sixties. As if they have not matured past the need to pretend to be a rebel or dangerous person to impress their friends or others.

So I wrote this as sort of a funny method to point out the absurdity of the hunting lifestyle.