Sarah Palin's spechwriter applies for a new job. Pretty damn funny!

Dear Sir, or Madam, or American, or Patriot, or Alaskan, or Real American:

I am writing, addressing, appreciating the chance to speak directly to you, the voter, the constituent, the citizen (who is registered to vote), today, now, at this time to investigate, to ask, to inquire about the job, the position, the career opportunity that you have currently, nowadays, at present worked so tirelessly to post on Workopolis, while others in the old boys' network just kind of milked it.

By gosh, my work as Governor Palin's speechwriter has been rewarding and productive and industrious, and I know and understand and believe that I meet all the essential and vital and valuable criteria of the position, for the job, for the place in your company, for the employment opportunity, for the hiring option that you have communicated to me in one of the many forms of, in, in fact, all of the media, the newspapers, the press, in the vast variety of them that I was reading up here in my beloved Alaska when I saw your posting on Workopolis rear its head and come into view.

Fishing. Babies. Fishing. Troops. Fishing.

I am especially interested in this opportunity because my prior experience as a speechwriter for Governor Palin has prepared me and left me well suited for and makes me uniquely qualified to meet the challenges, the demands, the tougher tasks associated with careering, and I'm looking forward, ahead, onward to using my past successes, wins, achievements in my work in shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track.

So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending have got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade.

I would appreciate, cherish, savour an opportunity to meet with you to discuss how my experiences can meet your needs and to answer all of your hollered-out, liberal gotcha questions in a timely way, you betcha, in what regards? Oh is that the time?

I am one to believe that I am so proud, that on account of the fact that I was tapped and hired and asked to, I am able to (oh look, I found a specific example and I'm bringing it to you), I am able to articulate a candidate's position both for and against cap and trade, sometimes in the same sentence, although that may take nine pages.

Maverick. The hand of God. Joe Six Pack. RUSSIAN

I'm all about getting my message out and then trying to rein it back in again like spending – it's got to be all about job creation too. We've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary umbrella, in the trade sector today, because that's just not me.

You can't blink (because then your eyes get wet).

In closing, I would like to say, to express the fact, to tell you that if you hire me for the position offered, that of Dean of the Department of Marine Biology at the University of Vienna, I am sure, am confident, am certain that my lack of any knowledge of any aspect of marine biology, my active dislike of marine life and my inability to speak, or understand or comprehend any German (because I'm just not wired to speak German) will bring a much-needed fresh perspective to your Department of Marine Biology.

My no-more-business-as-usual approach, my very pretty shell collection, my culture-of-life world view, my think-outside-the-box, do-I-really-have-to-get-wet? ideas say instead of same old, same old, let's talk directly to the marine-life issue.

This is a way of doing things that I promise to employ during at least two years of my four-year contract (or until the end times), and I promise you that it will be understood and appreciated by a mysterious and frequently quoted focus group referred to as “anyone who knows me.” This amazing group of Americans is composed of “folks” who will tell you that, with me, my “love of progressing Alaska and family and impacting, also, come first.” And faith.

Thanks, but no thanks, for your time.

I look forward to hearing from you all.

Sincerely yours, Etc., etc., etc.

No I did not write this (wish I had). Just click the title to visit the Globe and Mail website where you will see a picture of the lovely, and talented, Tabatha Southey, the actual author.