9) Stop telling people that though my mother did not drink during her pregnancy she has not skipped a day since my birth.
8) When people ask about my father, stop saying that I am not sure but that I think it was somebody on her high school football team.
7) When mom reaches for something near my head stop ducking and screaming "No mom, I'll be good, I promise!"
6) Stop telling people I was raised by wolves. (Mom thinks that is just spreading ugly rumors about the parenting ability of wolves.)
5) Stop referring to the men she dated when we were kids as "Uncle Cheapskate." "Uncle Smells like Sausage," and "Uncle Aren't You Too Young To Be Dating My Mother?"
4) Also don't tell people that mom refers to the men she dated when we were kids as "Uncle Lied About Being Married, "Uncle Big Hands, Big Feet, Big Disappointment," and "Uncle Should Not Start a Fight if He Cannot Take a Punch!"
3) Stop calling my sister "Nature's Answer to Birth Control" just because mom stopped having kids after she was born.
2) Stop telling people how old I am. Especially when there is a hot guy nearby who might think mom is still in her 50's. (She's not!)
And finally the number one thing my mom keeps asking me to STOP doing for Mother's Day this year.
(This is my mom talking.)
1) "Stop writing those things about Sarah Palin in that blog of yours! Do you think I want to be shot from a helicopter?)
Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Hilarious Gryphen! I was just in the senate buildings a few days ago and saw Lisa Murkowski - thought of you immediately!
ReplyDeleteT
Funniest thing I've read in a while. Yes, your Mother is beautiful in that picture; she looks like a Miss America Queen or a model.
ReplyDeleteHappy Mothers Day, everyone.
She is beautiful. And I too am the one who always makes sure our doggies are included in the family photos!
ReplyDeletehahahaha, you're too funny. Beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteYour mother is beautiful. What a great looking family. Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteToday's Hi and Lois comic strip has an anti-Palin story in it for Mother's Day!
ReplyDeletehttps://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/hiandlois/
I didn't have June Cleaver for a mother either, that is for sure. I resent the fact that she expects so much on this day, when raising us was clearly a bother to this narcissistic woman. Anyway, my expereinces as a child have made me a much better mother to my children I hope. Instead of schlepping me for lunch and a mani/pedi like my sister and I did for our "mother" yesterday, my family will be planting an herb garden together after eating homemade waffles. Simple love and togetherness. Oh and a book. i think they got me a book!!
ReplyDeleteO/T but too good not to share. Derby Day is high hold day in Kentucky.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to make a julip for mom.
THE MINT JULEP CEREMONY
The preparation of the quintessence of gentlemanly beverages can be described only in like terms. A mint julep is not the product of a formula. It is a ceremony and must be performed by a gentleman possessing a true sense of the artistic, a deep reverence for the ingredients and a proper appreciation of the occasion.
It is a rite that must not be entrusted to a novice, a statistician, or a Yankee. It is a heritage of the Old South, an emblem of hospitality, and a vehicle in which noble minds can travel together upon flower-strewn paths of a happy and congenial thought.
Go to a spring where cool, crystal-clear water bubbles from under a bank of dew-washed ferns. In a consecrated vessel, dip up a little water at the source. Follow the stream through its banks of green moss and wildflowers until it broadens and trickles through beds of mint growing in aromatic profusion and waving softly in the summer breeze. Gather the sweetest and tenderest shoots and gently carry them home. Go to the sideboard and select a decanter of Kentucky Bourbon, distilled by a master hand, mellowed with age yet still vigorous and inspiring. An ancestral sugar bowl, a row of silver goblets, and some spoons and some ice and you are ready to start.
Into a canvas bag, pound twice as much ice as you thing you will need. Make it fine as snow, keep it dry, and do not allow it to degenerate into slush.
Into each goblet, put a slightly heaping teaspoonful of granulated sugar, barely cover this with spring water and slightly bruise one mint leaf into this, leaving the spoon in the goblet. Then pour elixir from the decanter until the goblets are about one-fourth full. Fill the goblets with snowy ice, sprinkling in a small amount of sugar as you fill. Wipe the outside of the goblets dry and embellish copiously with mint.
Then comes the important and delicate operation of frosting. By proper manipulation of the spoon, the ingredients are circulated and blended until Nature, wishing to take a further hand and add another of its beautiful phenomena, encrusts the whole in a glistening coat of white frost. Thus harmoniously blended by the deft touches of a skilled hand, you have a beverage eminently appropriate for honorable men and beautiful women.
When all is ready, assemble your guests on the porch or in the garden, where the aroma of the juleps will rise heavenwards and make the birds sing. Propose a worthy toast, raise the goblet to your lips, bury your nose in the mint, inhale a deep breath of its fragrance, and sip the nectar of the gods.
Being overcome by thirst, I can write no further. Lt. Gen Simon Bolivar Buckner - 1937
Happy Mother's Day to your mom! She sure was a hottie wasn't she?
ReplyDeleteROTFLMAO!
ReplyDeleteNice, Gryphen . . . .
#11: Is it May 10th yet? Is it May 10th yet? When will it be May 10th?
ReplyDeleteLucy
Pretty mommy, happy day to her.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, all the kids look alike, no confusion here.
Gorgeous mother, beautiful family... especially you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gryph, for this funny, yet quite touching, Mother's Day Message!! Love the wonderful family picture - great looking family!!
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best, as well as a Happy Mother's Day to your very beautiful Mother.
And, a Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms here, at I.M. -- Have a good one.
Thanks for the giggle. It is nice to see that despite your childhood in an alcoholic home, you still have a relationship with your mom. Love number 10, you kids were adorable, and she was beautiful. We now know where your humor comes from. Happy Mommy's Day to all the mommies who come here for sanity.
ReplyDeleteI love how a week before the Palins were schmoozing with Seth and he was inspired to write this the following week. Leave it to our comedians to create true reflections of Sarah.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is why I'm childless.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...
ReplyDeleteTried to look up your genealogy Gryph ...
Gryphons are mythological creatures, made up from feline and bird parts. Usually the front part is avian, and the back part is feline. There are many ways to spell gryphon, but the three most common are gryphon, griffin and griffon.
Mythology
The average mythological gryphon had the head, wings and front talons of an eagle, and the body of a lion. They usually had external ears, and sometimes they would have the tail of a serpent. These gryphons were huge - big enough to block out the sun.
The original gryphons lived in the mountains and made nests of gold, called eyries or aeries. The Arimaspi, the one-eyed tribe of Scythia, often attempted to steal the gryphons' gold, so the gryphons had to be very vigilant. In some myths, the gryphons laid an egg of agate in these nests. In others, the gryphons placed agate in their nests for its medicinal value. Some say that the gryphons also guarded jasper and emeralds as well as gold. They preyed on dead men, and devoured horses.
No my mother was not an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteThis list is just a version of some of the teasing that goes back and forth within my family,
As my daughter says, holiday gatherings are like attending a celebrity roast, except occasionally there's a stabbing.
What a beautiful photo. Very loving with everyone snuggled up to mom. Thanks Gryphen for sharing. What cute kids too!
ReplyDeleteYour mom is a very beautiful woman, G. You are very fortunate to have her. (dunno 'bout that brat on the left, though. He seems like a REAL troublemaker!) ;-)
ReplyDeleteTake care! Give your kiddo some big hugs from her Daddy today!
Lovely family, Gryph.
ReplyDeleteAnd Anon@5.17a - you could be writing MY comment for me! This woman who I neither love or respect and who probably shouldn't have had children, is, at age 87, still as mean and nasty, and narcissitic as ever. She ain't going anywhere as she's basically in very good health.
What a cute photo! Your Momma is lovely and all of you kids are sooo cute. I'm sure the picture holds great memories for you.
ReplyDeleteFunniest thing you've ever written. Loved it. Now go wish your Mom "Happy Mother's Day."
ReplyDelete~physicsmom
This was hilarious! Do you have comedy writers on staff?
ReplyDeleteYour mother is very beautiful.
Hi Gryphen, your mom is very beautiful! Happy Mother's Day to her and all mothers who visit your blog!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Your mother is beautiful. And so were all three of you kids.
ReplyDeleteSharon1943
Happy Mom's day everyone!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know there are moms who will sacrifice their wants and dreams for their children instead of the other way around.
Your mom is really out-of-the-ordinary
ReplyDeletegood looking, & you & the 'orphans' are quite adorable. Hope everyone enjoyed the day!
Sharon TN
Thanks for another wonderful post Gryphen. You truly come alive when you write about those you love.
ReplyDeleteI. Love. This. Too funny. My brother calls me Suzy Spare parts (still.... I'm 40) and says the only reason my parents had me was was in case he or my older sister needed organs.
ReplyDeletehmmmm, similar humor :-)
You was cute, what happen?
ReplyDeleteIn my family it's stop referring to my younger sister and "The accident".
ReplyDeleteRe: #8, awesome in the context of a joke! I feel so sorry for Tripp, though--substitute "hockey" for "football" and this is pretty much true.
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