I really am not a fan of camping these days, but I promised friends that I would suck it up and leave my padded toilet seat and automatic coffee brewer at home to head out to the wilderness for some burnt hot dogs and soggy toilet paper. (Oh boy!)
There are an ungodly number of mosquitoes this year which does not bode well for me because apparently I am delicious. So I expect the skeeters to be all over my ass tonight. As well as my head, my arms, and my feet. (God I hate mosquito bites on my feet!)
Once years ago one even tried to bite me on my incredible moisture seeking missile of love, while I was relieving myself in the woods. This caused me to panic a little and give my best friend an impromptu golden shower.
He actually NEVER believed me about the mosquito, and thought I was just being an ass. (Fuck him then, I'm glad I peed on him!)
I have finagled a way to get internet access tonight so I will be updating posts and possibly posting comments. You know if I get bored of all the nothing out here.
Tomorrow is the 4th so I plan to get the hell out of Wasilla before it gets late and the Teabaggers start blowing off their fingers and drinking themselves blind in celebration of their "freedom."(Yeehaw! Let's shoot sumbuddy!)
If I run into the Wendigo I will be sure to back over it and make sure its dead. (Just kidding I will take a picture of her and let you see how emaciated she is these days.)
But hopefully I don't see her, and only have to worry about less frightening things in the woods like bears and machete wielding, hockey mask wearing maniacs. THOSE I can handle.
See ya all in the morning.
"There is coffee out here right? Goddammit!"
Watch out for low flying Piper aircraft!!
ReplyDeleteBetter yet, just watch out for Piper. She gets kinda pushy sometimes.
Deletegrow up
Deleteyou grow up
DeleteDon't worry, Piper will grow up some day.
Deletehave fun bitch, er, Gryph 8)
ReplyDeletei'm outta here this eve for McCarthy/Wrangall Mtns. 'til Monday eve with nothing more, communication wise, than my old school non smart cell phone, which will be off for the majority of the time other than Saturday afternoon when some friends are flyin' their small plane in to join us for some mountain bikin', eatin' great camp food and just generally rollin' around in the dirt
Garlic capsules are your friend.
ReplyDeleteAren't they attracted to people who eat lots of carbs
DeleteForget the capsule. Eat a lot of garlic; bugs hate people who smell of garlic (although I am told all your friends will stay away too - I would not know because I don't have a sense of smell).
DeleteYes it works great. Just pop open the garlic and sprinkle it on your love missle...it works I promise!
DeleteHave a good time Gryphen! I love camping and planning to do so in Aug out in North Dakota.
ReplyDeleteA word to the wise{ Stay away from the oilpatch. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what a bunch of out-of -state oilmen are like. Murders, assaults, drunkenness and just this week a federal indictment of over 20 people for dealing drugs. A female jogger disappeared awhile back and it took months to find her body. Western ND is not what is used to be.
DeleteI used to back pack and canoe camp a tremendous amount in northern Maine, WAY out in the St. John River basin to the west of the state. I still love camping, but refuse to go any more.
ReplyDeleteWhy?
I HATE instant coffee!!!!!!!!!
ENJOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYY, Gryph.(Cackle Cackle Snort!)
I currently live in that same river basin in northern Maine and I am with you Leland. I like fresh brewed coffee in the morning. And I hate the bugs G - they love to come out at dusk and they bug you all night. Have fun with that and post a picture of yourself with all the bites.
DeleteHave a great fourth of July G. I'll be checking your blog just in case you find something interesting to post (which you always do of course).
Yeah make sure not to put your tent on a hornets nest either. (horrible memory at 2:00 am on the Olympic peninsula).
DeleteI pitched my tent in the dark along a river while kayaking. Woke up the next morning to heavy breathing (surrounded by cows in a Farmer's pasture)and started itching 10 minutes later. Giant patch of poison ivy. NOT a good river trip the next 2 days. ;) Oh, and I did I mention that my kayaking buddy & I had decided to eat s'hrooms on the way to that "campsite"?
Delete@Leland--Instant coffee, like decaf, is a waste of water, but it's easy to brew the real thing while camping. The Jet-Boil stove is awesome and they have a french press filter/plunger attachment that works well--especially if you add a little piece of screen to the top vent. Two minutes to go from water to coffee--pretty tough to beat.
DeleteThere are a number of plexiglass/pyrex french presses available that work well for camping, too. Fresh-brewed real coffee, with half-n-half, is a requirement on all our camping trips. We had a taste test on our last trip with friends who favored the Starbucks instant--they tasted the error of their ways immediately.
If you do see Sister Sarah, just point at her and laugh. Then watch Todd shrink in his shorts at the thought of having to defend her honor.
ReplyDeleteThat is true. Todds never fought a day of his life
DeleteThat's NOT in the wood beyoatch!!
ReplyDelete*laughing my ass off when start reading*
I love you! This is the best 4th of July post ever! I do not like this holiday (long story: traumatized as a child by loud popping noises). Good luck with the mosquitoes; they find me tasty too. Freedom: what the 4th is about, yes? On the 3rd of July 2009 I thought I and America had been freed from the she-demon Palin. Well, not so much. So I am still waiting!
ReplyDeleteYears ago a bunch of friends and I rented a hotel room overlooking a park that was doing a big fireworks display. We all brought food and had a great party.
DeleteOne of the couples was hosting two children from Belfast through an exchange program. Things were still very violent in Belfast during those years.
Even though they were told exactly what was about to happen, the poor kids freaked as soon as the fireworks display started, and ran to hide behind the beds in the room. They finally calmed down and were able to watch the show but it was quite an eye-opening experience for all of us!
you are just sounding a wee bit whiny there Jess..suck it up buttercup..it's just a camping trip..lol.. oh and wrap that "incredible moisture seeking missile of love" up in a sock or something so the skeeters don't get it...have fun!
ReplyDeleteyeah Like Bristol camping in a tent suck it up!
DeleteThe mosquitos sound awful -- thanks for reminding me why I don't like camping. I'm staying home with my garden hose at the ready. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteHere's What We Have to Say About the Westboro Baptist Church
ReplyDeletehttps://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/heres-what-we-have-say-about-westboro-baptist-church?utm_source=wethepeople&utm_medium=email&utm_content=westboro-response
thank you. retweeted
DeleteDid you take along wine coolers???
ReplyDeleteWhine coolers lol. I bet Gryph ends up having a great time. It will be like "remember that time when...."...ah it was the good old days.
Delete"incredible moisture seeking missile of love"
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened to regular, normal names like Little Bobby?
Meet my turtle Little Bobby.
DeleteOr what about the one eyed wonder weasel?
DeleteWhat about that blues song "Little Red Rooster?"
Deletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vr-DR5HdKw
Don't mess with my tu tu!
DeleteHappy camping Gryphen - better you than me! Tonight I'll be camping in my air-conditioned, bug free bedroom and maybe watch a movie on my big screen TV. Tomorrow I'll wake up to fresh-brewed coffee, take a nice bike ride to pick up a fresh-baked NY everything bagel, cook up some bacon, extra crispy, scramble up some eggs with cheese. I'll spend the rest of the day poolside, with a good book, a pitcher of Margaritas and my Netbook so I can check into IM.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, life is good!! Happy Independence Day everyone!
I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteMy idea of camping is several nights at the Yosemite Lodge (at several hundred dollars a night). Internet, hot water, flush toilets and I believe they have a spa too.
Mosquitoes also find me particularly delectable. Shreve Stockton at The Daily Coyote turned me on to this natural product called Apinol. Not only an antiseptic that stops the itching of bug bites but also a natural repellant. The smell is a bit repellant if you don't like the scent of pine but you get used to it. For you it would be perfect.
I always thought men's plumbing was much more conducive to camping than women's. At least you can stand. I can't stand leaf toilet paper or squatting behind trees so not much of a camper. But did a lot of it in my youth. No choice as my Dad liked to pan for gold, we had a camper on the truck and not much money for vacations. So it was a week in the Sierra Nevadas every summer. I thought for sure we'd skip it the year the dog had puppies but no, we brought the week old brood with us.
Why would you be online while enjoying the beauty of nature and your fabsummer?
ReplyDeleteNow what good is a missile going to do you if you run into a bear? Even if it is uh... "incredible"?
ReplyDelete: )
You'll like this..SP's "Libertarian streak" doesn't impress the Libertarians; they don't want her, either:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2013/07/01/sarah-palins-libertarian-streak-doesnt-impress-libertarian-party
My sentiments exactly on camping - been there, done that when I was younger. Did you pack the ingredients for Somores?
ReplyDeleteWe always spelled it s'mores. I wonder if it's different in different parts of the country.
DeleteOh shit Gryp, you are hilarious! Watch out for those scitters. What time do you see darkness there?
ReplyDeleteNot as many skeeters as I anticipated.
ReplyDeleteHad a great hike up Hatcher's Pass, and will post pictures tomorrow.
As for garlic to ward off mosquitoes, are you crazy!
This is bear country. And if they are going to eat me they can bring their own seasoning!
Hey G, I think I was the one to say eat the Garlic. I eat a lot of garlic, but not living in Alaska, I would not have considered that if I did eat the garlic and camped out, I might become a tasty treat for a bear.
DeleteLiving in 'The County' in Maine, we have a lot of moose, and they do have black bears. But I have not heard of any bears eating anyone since I left Montana 13 years ago.
When you get home, be sure to make some garlic popovers - try the Joy of Cooking cookbook and add some sauteed garlic to the mix and enjoy.
People say this is an old wive's tale, but it ALWAYS works for me. 24 hours before any camping trip or other occasion where I know I'll be around those damn bugs I start taking double the dose of B Complex. Something about the odor permeating your skin from the B vitamins that the skeeters don't like. Humans can't smell it though. I see this disputed all the time but it always works for me. Never have to use DEET. :)
DeleteDo you wear a big jingle bell to scare off the bears when you hike?
Delete7:46
DeleteIt's also a good way to let any British campers you run into know that they're not going to be taking away your guns.
Big Breaking News from The Asylum...
ReplyDeleteSarah Palin will be featured in the 2013 Leaf Pop Century Trading Cards!
As with past sets, 2013 Leaf Pop Century is anchored by some major names in the entertainment industry. Last year, Jennifer Lopez was the biggest addition. She's back. As is Kate Beckinsale, one of the top sellers from the past couple of years. New to 2013 Leaf Pop Century is Al Pacino, one of the most famous actors of the last 50 years. Other than cut signature cards, this is Pacino's first certified trading card autographs. Other notable signers include James Gandolfini, Carrie Fisher, Sarah Palin and Jenny McCarthy. Woohoo!
(also available - at a deep discount - on ebay)
Yeah, that's our next POTUS alright, she just keeps on griftin'.
I'll bet that, like most news stories and blog articles, Leaf features a picture of Sarah Palin that's at least 4 years old -- before she went on the controlled substance and plastic surgery binges, before she became an emaciated hag with poofy hair and strange ways of dressing herself.
DeleteIt's not even midnight yet and there are multiple gunshots echoing through the trees.
ReplyDeleteHaven't these assholes heard of sparklers?
or snakes (the kind you light and get a long ash snake)?
DeleteGryphen,
Whatever happened to Alaska WTF?
You mean the trashy blog guilty of slander?
DeleteTake your medication, 5:32, and those voices in your head might stop.
DeleteIt's not even midnight yet and there are multiple gunshots echoing through the trees.
ReplyDeleteThose aren't gunshots, they're freedumb blasts! lol
Oops, meant to add: Sparklers are fer sissies, dontcha know!
ReplyDeleteenjoy your soujourn in the wilds Gryphen, and happy 4th of July.
ReplyDeleteIt is now actually the Fourth of July and I just wanted to wish everyone here on IM a hardy and heart-felt
ReplyDeleteHAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!!!!!!
While we may have some problems, this is still my favorite country in the world and I love her.
All my best to each and every one of you.
Leland
Ahh, it's raining.
ReplyDeleteAnd with that this is now the consummate Alaska camping trip.
It could be worse. It could be raining.
DeleteOh...sorry.
Is it good rain? I love a little refreshing rain while camping. When it stops, the area is lovely
DeleteNo mosquitoes when it's raining, right?
DeleteSo, take your pick.
It could be worse. You could be sharing a rent with Beef-o-Barstool and she's already drank all the wine coolers. Welcome to hell.
DeleteI'm laughing so hard I can hardly breathe. My idea of camping...a Holiday Inn without room-service.
ReplyDeleteIs that you, mama?
DeletehahahahacawCawCAW!
thatcrowwoman
Just tried to get dressed. Water pooled in corner of tent.
ReplyDeleteBut don't worry apparently the crotch of my pants soaked it up.
Good times.
You poor thing. The only thing worse than water in your tent is water in your pants.
DeleteEspecially WARM water!
DeleteGryphen, my husband recommends that when you gotta do what bears do in the woods, you be sure to spray mosquito repellent on your nuts.
ReplyDeleteThat's real Alaskan camping!
Gryphen...do you live in Wasilla? I thought you lived in Anchorage.
ReplyDeleteI thought he lived in Palmer.
DeleteThirty years ago this July 4th holiday was the last time we went camping. Minnesota and Wisconsin. Skeeters and big black biting flies. Campground and wayward fireworks. We spent the evening swinging in the kids playground so the bugs couldn't land long enough to bite. Came home and sold the tent and the camping stuff including the canoe at a garage sale the very next weekend.
ReplyDeleteI forgot, the first night out we had to take the tent down and stuff it under the station wagon because a tornado was on the ground nearby. Bugs don't bite when there is a tornado in your alley. Bad pun....
RJ in Brownbackistan (Where the most dangerous thing is the ultra conservative government.)
Ahh Skeeters and camping...brought back some fun memories. My husband is a skeeter magnet, the only thing that worked for him was Avon skin so soft (But they've changed the original formula and it's no longer as effective).
ReplyDeleteMy idea of "roughing it", now, is leaving my kindle home and having to carry a real book.
We're spending the fourth moving our daughter's stuff to her new place, then staying home all day.
Happy Fourth, Everyone!