I've never had to imagine a White Christmas. Living in Alaska, just 300 miles from the north pole where Santa Claus lives, I experience the True Meaning of Christmas every year. But too many of my fellow Americans have had their heads turned away from the Path by the Forces of Satanic Political Correctness.
Let me tell you about my Perfect Christmas. Christmas is a time for giving and being with the Family. So every Christmas Eve, Todd and I fly our helicopter low over the forests outside our home in Wasilla and mow down five grizzlies with a machine gun. As my Papa always said: "A family that sprays together, stays together." We then skin the critters to make stockings for the kids. There's nothing like seeing the joy in Track, Bristol and Trig's faces as they open their collection of knives and semi-automatic weapons.
For many Americans, Christmas is a time of Darkness when they are prevented from remembering that Jesus was an American. Since when has it been a crime to watch Mary and Joseph's favourite movie, Miracle on 34th Street? Since the Commy sonsofbitches took over Christmas and made us all say happy holidays, that's when. Well, yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers. Here's one broad with a great rack – as Todd always says – that's started the fight back.
Imagine state trooper Joe McScrooge patrolling the neighbourhood looking to stamp out any nativity scenes that might give offence to our Muslim and Afro-Caribbean brethren. What are we going to do to Joe McScrooge? We're going to crucify him. It's time to remind everyone that Charles Darwin was wrong, and it was God who made America 6,000 years ago. If we want the civilised society that God and his only son, George W Bush, have promised us, we've got to be prepared to gun down anyone in our way.
There's more, but I am literally laughing too hard to post any more.
Oh yeah, Palin is such a viable candidate for 2016 that British newspapers openly mock her and lampoon her ghostwritten books.
Which as of this posting is now at 704 on the "best seller" list over at Amazon.