Monday, April 21, 2014

The effects of bullying can last a lifetime.

Courtesy of NPR:  

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Well, not when it comes to bullying. 

Some may still consider bullying a harmless part of growing up, but mounting evidence suggests that the adverse effects of being bullied aren't something kids can just shake off. The psychological and physical tolls, like anxiety and depression, can follow a person into early adulthood.
 
In fact, the damage doesn't stop there, a British study published this week in the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests. It actually lasts well into the adults' 40s and 50s. 

"Midlife ... is an important stage in life because that sets in place the process of aging," says Louise Arseneault, a developmental psychologist at King's College London and the study's senior author. "At age 50, if you have physical [and] mental health problems, it could be downhill from here." 

And health isn't the only thing to worry about. Chronic bullying's effect on a person's socioeconomic status, social life and even cognitive function can persist decades later, too, Arseneault's research suggests.

I was a bully. 

The thing was I did not realize it until I was in my early thirties.

I know that sounds a little hard to believe, but it's true.

When I was younger I was pretty passive, for the most part. A few scrapes here and there, nothing serious.

However when I hit my mid teens things took a turn.

Like a lot of teenagers I was full of testosterone driven energy, and conflicted emotions. And I did not know what to do with them.

So I started to workout every day with weights and practice martial arts for hours on end.

Instead of being an outlet for my energy, it instead turned me into a powder keg of aggression.

Though I felt no animosity towards those younger or weaker than myself, for those who I considered my physical equal all it took was one wrong move before fists would be flying.

How I justified that was by focusing on bullies.

My guidelines were if somebody hurt or intimidated others that made it open season on them. All I needed was to catch them in the act, or hear about it from somebody else, and I felt, not only justified, but obligated to "set things right."

By the time I made it to my senior year I got most of it out of my system, and simply coasted through the remainder on my reputation.

In fact my first two serious relationships after high school were somewhat based on this reputation, as the bad boy image I had cultivated was part of what attracted them to me. Even though after I graduated there were very few physical altercations.

It was my third serious relationship after high school where I received my reality check.

This was a thirty year old woman, trained in early childhood education, who was quite unimpressed with hearing about my exploits during my teen years, and after being regaled by my family with story after story, she seemed very pensive and quiet on the drive home.

Later when I asked what was wrong she said that she never knew I was a bully.

I became immediately defensive at that and told her she had it all wrong. I was a GOOD guy.

"Did you beat people up?"

"Well yes sometimes, but.."

"Were students in your school frightened of you?"

"Well maybe a few, but they....."

"Do you think that their fear of you had an effect on their school work, their self esteem, and their emotional health?"

"Well they were bad guys so..."

"If they were bad guys for intimidating those who could not defend themselves, and they could not defend themselves from you, then what does that make you?"

"Well I was...I mean they were....I only....."

Well fuck.

She was right. I HAD actively intimidated people who I identified as bullies, even IF what they had done was fairly minor, and would have sorted itself out with no involvement from me whatsoever.

I simply used their anti-social behaviors as an excuse for MY anti-social behaviors.

To be honest, I was angry at her for making me face that about myself. It meant that I had to go back and reevaluate everything I thought I knew about me.

But in the end I had to recognize the inconvenient truth, I was in fact a bully.

So though I have done a number of good, and selfless things, with my life since then, there is a group of men in their mid fifties who are, right now, walking around with emotional scars that I inflicted.

And you know what? That kind of sucks.

32 comments:

  1. CJWhite4:16 AM

    Well, you could hunt them up and apologize.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have, for a few of them.

      And at least one of the victims told me he thought he deserved what happened.

      There were just a lot of them, and a few left the school altogether and I don't remember their names.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5:23 AM

      Gryphen, you might be surprised at how forgiving people can be. My bully called me to apologize, and I sincerely had already forgiven her years before. When we talked and she told me what had been going on in her own life at the time, I understood.

      Maybe your others feel this way too. I'd bet at least some of them do.

      Even if not, just do the best you can. Maybe other people from your school would remember the names? Anyhow, your willingness to examine yourself and make amends is a rare and wonderful quality. As far as forgiveness goes---I think you could maybe work on forgiving yourself?

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6:59 AM

      I remember the school bully from grade school...if he called and apologized...I would be shocked, he grew out of it anyway in HS. I don't feel affected, he teased all the girls and fought the boys and grew out of it...
      I agree with @5:17 if you learn from your mistakes! Its the ones who don't learn or refuse to change...
      Although no one should be bullied, its part of socialization in grade school. Kids who are not socialized fail to learn how to cope with differing situations.
      I think internet "bullying" can be as bad as physical bullying... Sarah Palin is a "Bully" even though she doesn't physically touch someone she sets her bots or lawyers or whatnot "flying monkeys" out to troll you.
      Brissie is the same. She is bullying Levi in the press.
      Hopefully "What goes around...."?

      Delete
    4. Anonymous8:22 PM

      It is weird that there weren't really any bullies in my school (private)? There were people who joked around with ""freaks" and there were people who spread lies about people they perceived as sluts/manwhores. (here's a tip. Anyone who has rumors like that spread about them are the opposite. Look at the source. If that person is being hypocritical and was a huge partier who in adult life denies such personal facts, you can' trust their opinion on anyone else.)

      Basically, anyone who's social status is elevated will have nasty rumors spread about them. Jeb Bushs son was treated SO poorly he eventually went to some obscure school. No one deserves that. I remember Laura Bush commented on how her girls were treated by their jealous peers. Meghan McCain has spoken about being bullies as a teen. Chelsea wa striated like shit in the 90s. Sarah's are the same way. No one deserves that from jealous people either offered large sums of cash for lies and trash, or are just jealous.

      Anyway, at my school, I was pretty much friends with everyone. i graduated with 110 people. We were all friends: jocks, preps, nerds (who got all the lays from hot girls), closeted gays.... I was blessed and know it. When Mean Girls debuted, I had NO idea that was mainstream.

      Actually, I take this back. I had a bully. This girl at church. Bossy to the core. She was on the frumpy side so it may have been related to that. Her mother was literally the sweetest person ever. I think she was so desperate to maintain popular status everywhere (she was outgoing) that she picked on ALL the lesser people. No clue. She still carries an air about her that looks down on certain people. At our 20th reunion, she lightly mocked people who weren't married.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous8:25 PM

      Bullying Levi in the press? Um, she didn't enter the press until WAY after Levi did. Even Sarah didn't say anything about him until WAY after, just that he was lost, which was true. He admits this. Thanks Tank and that selfishness.

      You're literally forgetting ALL The trash and lies he and his sister talk. Even about people who have nothing to do with any of it, who live good lives.

      You need to butt out. NO ONE here or elsewhere online knows any of these people. They are young. Yet ALL of them have survived being used by drama hungry media, adults and kids alike.

      BLoggers have done their part in further dividing them, despite blogger ignorant.

      Everyone, you are all stalkers with huge biases.

      Get lives.

      Delete
  2. fromthediagonal5:17 AM

    Gryphen, I subscribe to the old saying: "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time". Life's Path is one of Learning... and learn you did, obviously! It is those who refuse to accept their mistakes and resolve to correct them who do the most damage to themselves.

    I do hope you let the woman know how she changed your life with her observations!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it. Gryphen, we’re all doing the same thing here with Sarah and Bristol.

    You might have been a champion of the weak rather than a bully. Better the bullies wear those emotional scars than the weak kids they were trying to hurt. It’s complicated. I fought battles that weren’t my own and never regretted it; physically as a little kid and mentally later. I can’t say I got delight from defeating bullies, just that I crippled them in society and it was enough.

    A good and important post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5:57 AM

      The Palins ARE bullies. I have no problem with Gryph calling them out at every opportunity.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8:44 AM

      If a person puts herself into a public life, castigating people who do not beleve as she does, lying, hypocritically doing what she condemns in others, she will get responses. One of the bits of information about Sarah Palin that has been consistent is that she can seem very nice and intelligent at first, when she is finding out if she can use you; once she finds out she cannot, then she attacks you. Such people will always create anger and frustration in others, at which they can point to "justify" their own behavior.

      Sarah got consequences of her actions and her words, and she still whines about how she's being denied her "free speech." Because she's either hypocritical, ignorant, or stupid enough - or any combination of the three- to think that consequence is an inhibition of her rights.

      I don't know about others here, but I'm not a public person. I read what is written and I respond to it- as do we all. I don't call that bullying in the least.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8:28 PM

      The Palins did NOT deserve to be trashed in 2008. Have lies, yes lies, spread about them for political reasons. The MEDIA is filled with trashy reporters and bullies. Bloggers are bullies and heavily biased people.

      Just admit it. Bristol didn't enter the fray until way after lie after lie was told about her. Until after certain boy was led into the trashing ring by a selfish handler. THAT is the media that make people "break."That push people to say things they will regret.

      YOU cannot judge them.

      You just mind YOUR business and stop acting like you know the people you will never know.

      Delete
  4. Anonymous6:15 AM

    " there is a group of men in their mid fifties who are, right now, walking around with emotional scars that I inflicted."

    As the parent of a son who was bullied for being "too nice" and "too smart" I can say yes, it still effects him to this day, even though he has come to grips with it not being his fault. I would think that maybe your victims would have had to deal with any emotions that have continued to plaque them in the same way, but possibly the fact that they were bullied because of their own meanness gives them a different perspective. They might see it as deserving although bullying is NEVER deserved, and that could help make it less debilitating emotionally as a grown up. But hopefully they wouldn't carry the feelings of inadequacy and scars of someone who was bullied for just being.

    Glad you grew up, Gryph. That's what the journey is all about.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous6:30 AM

    Good for you for owning your history and not sugar coating it, and having the self-awareness to recognize the damage you did. You can't undo the past but you can make the effort every day to make your present and your future regret-free in that respect.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous6:45 AM

    As a female who could beat the shit out of any guy in her high school, yes I did intimidate several males who tried to sexually molest weaker females than myself (think Brienne from Game of Thrones fame). Guys would cross the hallways just to avoid even making eye contact with me and the girls they tried to fuck with were never bothered again.
    A good thing and I do not feel one tiny shred of regret, guilt, or shame. I would no more look those sub humans up and apologize than they would apologize to their victims. I am just glad I was there to prevent a few sexual assaults.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Our Lad8:04 AM

    Those guys were asking to get tuned up, Gryphen.All you did was accommodate them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous8:25 AM

    Female bullies are worse, they mess with your head.

    Louis C.K. pointed it out in one of his stand up routines.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's true. But it is not always mental.

      The most vicious fight I ever witnessed was between two girls, who ripped huge chunks of hair out of each others head, as well as tore the earrings off.

      I helped to break it up, and there was blood everywhere.

      On the other hand I had a guy get in my face when I temporarily changed schools in tenth grade. I kicked him in the side of the head, and instead of being angry or forcing me to hurt him more, he asked me how I moved so fast, and we became best friends.

      Boy did WE get into some trouble together.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9:48 AM

      True that, 8:25 AM. What's sad is that, in my case 40 years later, many in my high school still act the same way. Why I went to my 20 year reunion and said never again.

      Delete
  9. Anonymous9:58 AM

    Have you ever tried to apologize? It might help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6:37 PM

      Gryph did. Do you comprehend what you read?

      Delete
  10. Anonymous11:49 AM

    Bullying poisons the educational environment and affects the learning of every child.It is the lack of knowledge of, or the unwillingness to recognize, or the deliberate denial of the existence of the serial bully which is the most common reason for an unsatisfactory outcome for both employee and employer.Bullying a wilful, conscious desire to hurt another and put him/her under stress.Violent behaviour is a learnt process participate check this out at http://safekidzone.com/?a_aid=53289bdd639f0

    ReplyDelete
  11. Caroll Thompson2:10 PM

    I was bullied by very mean girls in junior high school. It brought me a lot of pain at the time. And it did change my life, no doubt about that. But I like who I am and I wouldn't change that. And being bullied was part (a small part) of what made me who I am.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous3:22 PM

    I was mugged and beaten a few years ago, and that didn't do nearly the damage that being bullied in school and by a boss early in my work life did. Despite some commendable accomplishments and building my talents as a writer, my self-esteem is in tatters. I don't know if I can ever get over it. And sadly, this affected me both personally and professionally.

    When Sarah Palin came onto the scene nationally in 2008 I knew I wouldn't agree with her politically, and she didn't come across as particularly bright. But what made me truly loathe her was her bullying ways. I recognized her vindictiveness and pettiness right away. I grew up surrounded by people like her, and I've also dealt with women like her in the workplace. And I believe she will be a bully until she's dead in the ground. Being a bully has unfortunately served her very well.

    Jennifer K

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anita Winecooler5:13 PM

    We all went through it to one degree or another. What matters is we learned better then did better. I've forgiven people who bullied me, but nothing about them made me want to socialize nor be friends with them. I accepted the apology to free myself.
    I was one of those who were attracted to the "bad" guys early on, but all it took was one guy I broke up with who ended up date raping a friend of mine and seeing her mistake that for "love", My taste in men changed for the better.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous6:44 PM

    I married a bad boy that was so unlike my right wing parents, I had to just to show 'em. Over thirty years, his health is failing, in it to the end. Tell me how gay marriage puts what I've lived in danger. I dare you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous8:13 PM

    Technically, you're still a bully. You use propaganda and things you KNOW in private are lies to bully politicians you don't like. And people unconnected to politics.

    You can't admit you're ignorant on many things, or that you were told lies so you perpetuate their lies to sustain your "belief system." You bully your victims.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous8:29 PM

    Keep in mind that Sarah had been bullied by lying Alaskans since before she won Governor. Yet no one wants to admit some of your sources and others are liars just because you don't agree with a public figure

    Sarah is a big victim yet by her strength, she doesn't play the victim card.

    ReplyDelete
  17. When some say SP and her family are victims of society's bullies, I think of the time when a teacher was holding a sign in protest of her. Instead of truly engaging the protester with interest and curiosity,SP, her daughter and her husband chose to mock her profession (a teacher), intimidate her by physically "bumping" into her and obstructing the camera view as the entire event was recorded. SHE AND HER FAMILY SHOWED THAT THEY ARE BULLIES AND LITTLE IS NEEDED TO INCITE THEM. Of course, they follow it up by claiming how mean everyone is to them and what victims the ALWAYS seem to be.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Also too, my family members were subjected to the harsh and unkind words and actions of many. Our parents had several children, no we are not catholic and my parents were married to each other only, until my father passed. It was such an acceptable thing even some of the teachers joined in. Helpless does not begin to describe one of the feelings. My parents worked hard, were honest good people and loved their children without measure. Our sin? So many children and modest means. Every bill was paid, we were properly clothed, nourished and were reared in the family home my parents owned. We were not swimming in fine possesions not enjoyed fabulaous vacations. We were loved and we loved them equally. We all went on to college, trade school, or military service. One of my brothers was in law enforcement and was killed in the line of duty. We all took care of our own, as did our parents. I still to this day, will not understand why people of modest means are such easy targets.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous10:05 AM

    It is really important as a parents to know if their child is being bullied, it is really important matter for saving the child for having emotional problem. So I suggest a safety application that your child could use if he/she is in trouble. It really helps me a lot, I hope that this could help you too. http://safekidzone.com/#!/page_home

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous9:42 AM

    You're still a bully. Posting a real persons photo with the title "It's never too early to start screwing up your children." is bullying behavior.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous1:46 AM

    This worries me more. When I was young, I suffered from bullying. I lost my self-esteem disabling me to perform well at school. This is something I don't want my children to suffer. I am now a father of two daughter. Both on high school. I am worried that they might encounter what I experienced before. Good thing I have downloaded an application on our phones. Once you pressed the panic button, it will automatically be connected to a response center that will answer and give immediate help possible 24/7. Me, along with my wife and close friends as my children's safety network, will receive a text message about the incident and their location making us a possible responder too. This app certainly helps me since me and my wife are slightly busy with work. Me and my wife worry less now. This can lessen yours too. Just visit their site to know more about this amazing app: http://safekidzone.com/#!/page_home

    ReplyDelete

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