For more than a decade, I wore my virginity like a badge of honor. My church encouraged me to do so, saying my testimony would inspire other young girls to follow suit. If the topic ever came up in conversation, I was happy to let people know that I had taken a pledge of purity.
It became my entire identity by the time I hit my teen years. When I met my then boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was saving myself for marriage and he was fine with that because it was my body, my choice and he loved me.
The author managed to keep the promise she made to God to remain a virgin until her wedding night. However things did not go as she anticipated.
I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, "I made it. I'm a good Christian." There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.
Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be uncomfortable the first time. What they didn't tell me is that I would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn't yet comprehend. They didn't tell me that I'd be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now.
When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it.
That may be the best description of the shame that many of these young women who take purity vows feel after having sex that I have ever read.
The author goes on to say that if a young woman wants to save her virginity for her husband that such a decision is fine. However if the decision is driven by shame, or fear of being judged by God, or of ending up in Hell, then it takes on a kind of specialness that makes losing it an incredibly traumatic experience.
And let me add a little personal information to let you know that this shaming of women by churches can have a life long effect.
Man years ago I was in a relationship with the daughter of a minister.
She had been married before, and had engaged in sex before marriage, but always had very complicated feelings after having sex. Feelings of shame and of insecurity.
When she met me she was drawn to my openness about sex, and the fact that I was substantially more experienced than her husband had been.
The first time we had sex she had the first orgasm she had ever had that was not the result of masturbation. This made her burst into tears, which I have to say was a little off putting.
However she said that she was happy and wanted to explore her sexuality.
To be honest she was never able to become very comfortable with sex, and really did not expand her horizons that much. She often became distant after sex, and even angry with me, which oddly enough seemed directly connected to the amount of pleasure she had experienced during the act.
She came to view me as a deviant and after awhile wanted nothing to do with sex, except occasionally when her own desires became overwhelming. At those times she would start off fine but become upset as she lost control of herself, and would become actually angry if she had too many orgasms.
Of course eventually this relationship was unsustainable, and we went our separate ways.
I have come to believe that this difficulty was the result of shame and that she simply could not deal with the fact that her body responded to sex in a way that she was told only sinful women would respond.
So yes, these purity pledges, and instruction about the sins of the flesh, have lifelong repercussions.
Believe me, I know.
Yeah... I can see how making too big of a deal about sex could lead to problems.
ReplyDeleteThis is why the posters who so crudely and graphically condemn Bristol Palin anger me. Yes, I agree that Bristol is a hypocrite, and deserves to be called out for that, but the condemnations generally go way beyond that, consisting of lewd depictions reflecting the sexist, misogynistic mindset of our very hypocritical culture. But pointing out that hypocrisy is not solely a Palin attribute gets one accused of being a Palinbot. I think everyone needs to think about how we ALL absorb the anti-female attitudes promulgated by religion, government, and business, and how we all all need to navigate away from it with the sensitivity and awareness this post displays.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree x 100 ! Great comment.
DeleteThe double standard at work again -- perfectly okay for boys to sow their wild oats, but how sinful for the girls to even think about having sex. Guilt is a horrid and disabling emotion, and parents who do not teach their daughters that sex is normal and nourishing with the one you love are hurting them beyond imagination.
ReplyDeleteThe Candies Foundation Abstinence Only Program used the wrong spokesperson who did not practice what she was Paid to Preach. Auditioning Trial Daddies while preaching abstinence was Fraudulent.
ReplyDeleteYes, I spent many years in the fundamentalist church and there is tremendous shame attached to sex In fact, it seems to be the worst thing you can do if you aren't married. Then, everyone at church wants to get into your business! I was pushed into sex by a therapist when I was in college and I always felt guilty every time I did it, then became promiscuous whilst "looking for love." I went back to church and stayed celibate for 17 years waiting for God to send me a husband. Then I was so lonely I started dating again, left the church and kind of made up for lost time. I always felt like a slut when I would have sex. I finally got married late in life, but I feel guilty having sex with my husband and I am very uncomfortable because shame is always attached to it. But, I have to add that I was sexually abused as a child and that plays into it, but the church definitely shames you. I know one woman who waited till after fifty years of age to lose her virginity until she married and another who is in her sixties and still a virgin. It certainly has a powerful impact. I don't understand why the church makes sex outside of marriage like the worst sin you could possibly commit. There are a lot of busybodies in church and I think it gives them something to gossip about. I will never, ever feel comfortable about sex even though I am married.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was the same way as this young lady ( only in the 50's) and the gal you dated. Up until marriage, she was supposed to remain pure and unsoiled but some how putting that wedding ring on was supposed to magically transform her into a sex machine, ready and willing. My dad, close to as equally unschooled in sex (Thai hookers don't count much) was unable to do much for my mom. Over the years they did establish a viable sexual relationship, mostly after we two kids were born, but I would not say it was mutually satisfactory.
ReplyDeleteOne piece of advice for all parents out there, NEVER tell your kids how upset you are about your sex life with your partner. It can REALLY screw them up for life, I know it did me. There are just something that should NOT be shared with your kids, even adult kids, EVER.
ah yes, the whole guilt and shame routine for doing something natural and pleasing and is good for your overall health. I truly believe that a lot of people get married way too young because they don't want to feel guilty or dirty for wanting to have sex.
ReplyDeleteI was raised catholic and talk about some heavy guilt thrown on the whole good girls don't. i remember asking my mother what does that mean anyway? I was labeled a slut way before i had sex because I liked making out with boys. It felt good and what teenager isn't raging with hormones? I hated that boys could do whatever they wanted but girls were not supposed to.
years of self analysis and figuring out that it really doesn't matter what any church, person or cultural mores has led me to say screw that! I think as one gets older, the sex actually gets better because you are free from all that and you can enjoy the act and the one you are with on a deeper level. sex does not equal love. I wish more women would understand that.
My ex-wife was so afraid of sex (due to the usual things like religion and a lousy sex education) that we could not even consummate our marriage! It took almost a full year of therapy to allow her a chance to relax enough to have a sex life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the fear of the pain (explained in great detail by her mother) of having the hymen broken didn't help matters any. And that fear was present even after we had an OB/GYN "remove" it. (That was suggested by the shrink.) Her mother had done a serious number on her when it came to sex.
She had no other problems, though, when it came to morals and other human behavior. I turned her in for pushing heroin after two years of marriage. (It hurt like all hell to do that. Got drunk and stayed that way for a month.)
For those of you with young children: PLEASE do the best you can for them by way of education and DON'T let anyone put a guilt trip on them - boys or girls!
But that is what these churches want. They don't want women to really enjoy sex. They only want them to see it as their "wifely duty". It's a mental form of female circumcision and nothing more. Thank Dog I was raised in the Native American culture where I was taught using my body for enjoyment was the very best thing in life and the best way to have a healthy union with your mate.
ReplyDeleteuh.... gryphen......TMI... this is a blog.. not a confessional.
ReplyDeleteand the "too many orgasms..." ....yeah, OK..if you say so....:)
I suspect this may be an American thing, the result of the continuing legacy of our Puritan heritage.
ReplyDeleteEuropeans laugh at our sexual hysteria. They laughed during the attempt to impeach Clinton. They laugh when they have to edit their TV shows for U.S. content.
I have a feeling that even religious women in Europe aren't damaged the way U.S. women are.
So very true! We get the Italian station on cable, if they're advertising, say, panties, the women in the commercials are topless, showing off the panties, but for some reason, wearing high heels is forgiven.
DeleteSome of their movies border on soft porn. Did they care if Burlesconi had orgies called bunga bunga parties? And they don't bat an eyelash if a man has a mistress or a woman takes a lover.
When Pavarotti died, his wife and his mistress sat next to each other on the grieving sofa. No Biggie.
This is exactly why we raised our kids to use the proper terms for body parts and functions. We have two independent young ladies who have a healthy outlook on their own sexuality as well as those of their chosen partners. Same goes for our son. They were taught from an early age, in age appropriate terms, the meanings of love and sex and the difference between using someone else for your own gratification, and truly making love as an expression of your feelings for them.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't condone nor broach virginity as a "virtue", There's so much more to love than the mechanics, and women and men are different in their response for a reason. Adding fear of damnation and promises of purity just makes the shame and self loathing worse.
If you want to save your virginity until after married do it but its fine to lose it young most of us do. Dont feel presured by your religion or people around you. In the end its your choice and the choice of the other person. Just loose it to someone you love so you dont have to look back on it and say why the hell did i do that
ReplyDelete