Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Mormons have some words for you concerning self abuse. You know who you are.

Here are the guidelines contained in a pamphlet entitled "Steps in overcoming Masturbation."  provided courtesy of the United Humanists: 

A Guide to Self-Control 

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. (Ah so that's why Mormons are always found in groups.)
  2. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. 
  3. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present. (That explains why the Mormons have such small water bills.)
  4. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. (Aha! THAT'S where the magic underwear comes in!) By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
  5. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. 
  6. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. 
  7. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. (Yeah like wondering what that cute girl in science class is doing right now. Wait....) Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture (Yep nothing sexual in that book, right?), preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. 
  8. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever -- not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind!
You know having personally known quite a few Mormons in my day, I would suggest that many of them would really benefit from a little "intimate part" touching.

If you get my drift.

Personally I think that any religion which spends this much time concerned about how people touch themselves in private is a religion that cares less about your immortal soul, and more about how much control they can exert over your lives.

53 comments:

  1. Like all religions everywhere, gawd forbid anybody, anywhere might be having fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6:43 AM

      Mrs. Brown and the Mormons:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QarofaycN3c

      Delete
  2. Anonymous4:37 AM

    The War on Drugs stands a better chance!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous4:45 AM

    #2-WHo talks to other people about masturbation? Guys?
    "Hey, Fred, you'll never guess how long I masturbated yesterday!"
    "Really, Mitt, what images were you thinking about?"
    Seriously. I sure am glad we never let Mitt near the WH.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 2 Struck me as well but I think it's more about circle jerks, which by the sounds of it are very hard for Mormons to quit, very hard.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous7:58 AM

      I remember when my Mormon sister was *called to lead the sessions with people in the church with what they called sexual issues . She told me about it a couple yrs ago. I asked her why She was *called and what it was about as she had no clue,much less training about sexual anything. She'd had 2 kids so that's as far as any experience with sexual anything. She told me the people she would "counsel"would have issues with basically Anything related to sex other than having sex for babies. I brought up the fact that these meetings could get out of hand. She said a man from the ward would be there for her safety. So,this bunch of no nothing mormons,where *calling another no nothing female church member to "councel" ward members about sexual deviancy??!?

      Delete
  4. "When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts"
    ------------------------
    Well, that sounds healthy. Nothing like a lifelong yeast infection to take your mind off your itchy bits.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous5:05 AM

    trevor blake called it rapeligion. Too uniformly bound together, rape and religion. Navajo Nation vs LDS church.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous5:09 AM

    Whoever wrote this list probably had to "experiment" a little to make sure they didn't overlook anything. No wonder some of the mormons had so many wives - instead of dealing with the "problem", they would crawl in the sack with one of the wives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5:40 AM

      It's a pretty detailed list, isn't it?

      Mildred

      Delete
  7. Anonymous5:15 AM

    #5 could be a tad bit embarrassing for those who are over weight, especially children.

    Mildred

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous5:28 AM

    "Never read about your problem. "

    And this list is all about your problem.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Balzafiar5:29 AM

    I've known a few Mormons but I had no idea they were that fucked up. Truly a religion of repression.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous5:41 AM

    If God didn't want us to do that 'naughty' stuff, s/he wouldn't have made it feel so good.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous5:44 AM

    Here's a Roman Catholic opinion:

    Masturbation is radically self-centered, and radically un-Christian.

    http://www.beginningcatholic.com/catholic-teaching-on-masturbation.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6:06 AM

      But it feels so good.

      Delete
  12. ibwilliamsi5:47 AM

    Do you know how to keep a Mormon from getting drunk on a camping trip? Invite two.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous5:53 AM

    I had a prostate stone once (who knew they existed, lol). My doctor told me the more I "emptied" the better...with a wink and a smile.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous6:04 AM

    O/T but this should be on the front page of every newspaper and news site. The world needs more of this kind of news not the vulgarity and crassness we see every day, especially in this election campaign.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/homeless-man-gets-job-cafe_us_56fa35cfe4b014d3fe240946

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:36 AM

      How am I supposed to masturbate to that?

      Delete
  15. Which State Consumes The Most Online Porn?

    Utah, that’s which state! Or so says Harvard researcher Ben Edelman, who “analyzed subscriber data from an unnamed ‘top 10 seller of online adult entertainment.'” When comparing broadband subscribers, Utah comes in first with an average of 5.47 per 1000. In second place is Alaska with just over 5.03 per 1000, and coming in third is Mississippi. (https://consumerist.com/2009/03/05/which-state-consumes-the-most-online-porn/)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:37 AM

      #9. Lastly, DO NOT go to Pornhub.com, even if it is the most frequent item in your father's browser history.

      Delete
  16. It's a goddamn crime what believers do to children!

    catholics ay the top of the list.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous6:25 AM

    Get up and make yourself a snack??!!! sheesh....nighttime eating is the worst...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:38 AM

      Now whenever I see a fat Mormon I'll know why ;-)

      Delete
  18. Anonymous6:33 AM

    As with any religion and no context or reasoning any doctrine can be belittled anf made fun of. There is nothing wrong with a good laugh. I have been Mormon for 10 years and practicing which means I participate in my ward (church family) and take the classes (weekly the adults receive a 3 part church service one is like a church aervice, men amd women break I to groups and learn more about the Bible and the Mormon bible, then women gonto a group and do community services and planning and share all kinds of things from raising families to who needs help in the ward or elsewhere and what can be done to help. Just like Baptist churches there are all kinds of branch offs. I have never in 10 years been told not to master bate nor seen any literature such as this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous7:57 AM

      'Twas just published fool!!!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8:06 AM

      My sister was *called to lead sexual group counceling sessions two years ago. She has Zero experience.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8:45 AM

      8:06 here. My comment was in response to 6:33.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous9:07 AM



      MORmONS and scouting

      http://www.mormoncurtain.com/topic_boyscouts.html

      Delete
    5. Anonymous9:41 AM

      I do have to applaud the Mormons and their apparent sense of humor, even in the face of Southpark lovingly mocking their religion they were able to laugh, which I found admirable.

      Delete
  19. Maple7:08 AM

    Is it just mere co-incidence that the Republican Party is obsessed with writing bills and enacting laws having to do with people's genitals and reproductive organs, and that the vast majority of Mormons belong to the Republican Party?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8:46 AM

      YES.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous10:48 AM

      8:46 here. Oops,I meant to say yes they are. No coincidence.

      Delete
  20. If it's a pleasure that the government can't tax, and the church can't turn into a profit center, it must be "wrong."

    ReplyDelete
  21. I wonder that more Mormons don't hospitalize themselves.
    I was taught by my health teacher in the 70s that if you didn't masturbate---you would lose your mind. And who wants that? ;<)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Balzafiar9:30 AM

      I had a barracks-mate in the Air Force that didn't masturbate, even though we were in a very isolated assignment in the Middle East.He developed symptoms I won't go into here, but the prognosis was that the AF doctor told him he needed to masturbate. Problem solved. I don't know if he was a Mormon but I will say he was weird.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9:42 AM

      Both males and females will experience release in the form of nocturnal emissions if the degree of abstinence becomes to critical.

      Delete
  22. I was born in 1957 and a practicing Mormon for 30 years.

    Dear Anon 6:33, please look up President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles Boyd K. Packer's booklet "To Young Men". You might be surprised to read that masturbation was VERY CLEARLY judged to be an unclean behavior.

    Also reference a letter dated Jan. 5, 1982 issued by the First Presidency condemning oral sex between husband and wife.

    Those old men who "lead" the so-called church have not one clue regarding what healthy, informed human sexuality is about. Stay in denial if you want to, but my eyes were opened over this, and a hundred other things that did not add up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:43 AM

      The gold plates, the magic hat and only the one guy being able to see them was kind of hinky too, if you ask me.

      Delete
  23. Mormons are a bizarre cult trying to pass themselves off as normal. As soon as you learn about them you find the strangeness and rigidity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8:56 AM

      I've had my share of the mo's in the past.i was placed in the home of a bishop as a pregnant teen in North Ogden,Utah in 1972. He would try to corner me a kiss on me and I would absolutely freak out! I reported him to lds social services and they did nothing. His wife who I remained friends with told me he later divorced her and married an 18 year old in their ward. He liked little girls.

      Delete
  24. Anonymous7:44 AM

    Dirty sex, weird underwear, what'll those crazy MORmONS think of next? How about dirty soda! "Extra Dirty Second Wife" for the win!

    http://www.businessinsider.com/crazy-drinks-from-utahs-dirty-soda-wars-2015-12

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous8:08 AM

    Fact- everybody masturbates.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:44 AM

      If you don't actively masturbate your body will take care of that for you.

      Delete
  26. If someone, while working on their supposed wholesomeness, consider their own body as a traitor to the process, what real chance do they have for their success.
    Religions are just fucked up!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. It's so curious to me that so many religions are absolutely obsessed with sex. Christian, Muslim,etc. The most natural thing in the world and sex is picked to have the most elaborate, prohibitive admonitions. It's just plain goofy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous9:46 AM

      It's because sex is so pleasurable and most religions are based on penitence and pain and suffering, thus it must be bad. Also people will engage in activities that are against the tenets of their religion in order to seek it out, once again, because it feels so damn good.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9:58 AM

      Sam-- I've thought about that a lot. So many prohibitions about food, as well.

      My conclusion--both sex and eating are our most absolutely basic physical functions, as well as being necessary to survival. If the church hierarchy can control those things, they've got control of the person at the most intimate level.

      Also, having to constantly and obsessively monitor and control one's sex and eating habits means that a person's mental, emotional, and physical energy isn't available for things like oh, questioning authority and the accepted political and economic systems.

      Or, God (ha) forbid, rebelling against them....

      Delete
  28. Anonymous9:31 AM

    An international religious cult founded by polygamist child rapists is counseling it's members about sex? What could possibly go wrong with that?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous9:59 AM

    Funny list.

    Yet still, not one bit worried about Mormons blowing themselves and everyone around them up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cliven Bundy and his gang were all practicing Mormons and had no problem with theft of public lands and armed treason.

      Also, "we are not as bad as those people over there" is not really a big positive. No cookies for behaving with some minimum of sanity.

      Delete
  30. Anita Winecooler6:11 PM

    We had this mormon gentleman at work who did everything by the book, but his body betrayed him. If he didn't masturbate, he'd have nocturnal emissions, but then he got married, and he had something called "retrograde ejaculation", where the ejaculate ends up in the bladder. But, he got an excuse letter from his bishop so he and his wife could have as many mormon babies as god sends them. The funny part, the missionary position contributes to the problem, guess it's easier to let go while fucking up.
    To this day, I can't understand why he confided in a woman about it, but I still get a chuckle when I see him.

    ReplyDelete

Don't feed the trolls!
It just goes directly to their thighs.