Is pollution making your penis smaller? Or are you just unhappy to see me?

The male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Backed by some of the world's leading scientists, who say that it "waves a red flag" for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for ministers. On Wednesday, Britain will lead opposition to proposed new European controls on pesticides, many of which have been found to have "gender-bending" effects.

It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminised genitals.

"This research shows that the basic male tool kit is under threat," says Gwynne Lyons, a former government adviser on the health effects of chemicals, who wrote the report.

I don't care if you are a tree hugging liberal or a "drill here, drill now" conservative, the idea of human males being born with smaller genitalia, that in future will be shooting nothing but blanks, HAS to make you stand up and take notice. (Sorry for the pun, I couldn't help it.)

In our desire to make everything faster, easier, and more affordable, we have taken shortcuts with bringing chemicals to market which may signal the end of, not only humanity, but the end of all vertebrates on this planet. This haphazard approach to the environment is now hitting us in a place I don't think that ANYBODY predicted it would.

"Feminisation of the males of numerous vertebrate species is now a widespread occurrence. All vertebrates have similar sex hormone receptors, which have been conserved in evolution. Therefore, observations in one species may serve to highlight pollution issues of concern for other vertebrates, including humans."

Dr Pete Myers, chief scientist at Environmental Health Sciences, one of the world's foremost authorities on gender-bender chemicals, added: "We have thrown 100, 000 chemicals against a finely balanced hormone system, so it's not surprising that we are seeing some serious results. It is leading to the most rapid pace of evolution in the history of the world.

I love the female, a little too much for my own good some would say, but a world populated solely by the feminine is doomed to failure. The planet needs BOTH the male and the female. And it would be very helpful if the males had genitalia that actually functioned.

It is time for our overwhelming selfishness to take a backseat to our desire to survive.

I am sorry but if my choices are between having to go back to glass bottles or hummingbird size genitalia, I have to say it is good bye plastic bottles and hello Magnum prophylactics. (Made of lambskin of course.)