It's free money time in Alaska! It's free money time in Alaska! It's free money time in Alaska!

At 12:01 January 1st, 2009, 807 drunk Alaskans all over the state sat down and tried to fill out the online application to get their Permanent fund checks for this year. Which is apparently a record.

What is the Permanent Fund Dividend you may ask, well it is the free money that convinces hundreds of quasi-Alaskans every year to stay in this god forsaken place. These are the people who hate Alaska, but love the Alaska oil money. They suck.

Now the only reason that Alaskans get this money is because a whole butt load of dinosaurs did us a favor by dying right under our tundra and then turning into precious oil. (Thanks dinosaurs!) Then we told big oil companies like British Petroleum, Exxon Mobile, ARCO, and a bunch of smaller companies to go right ahead and rape the shit out of our environment just so long as they pay us for the privilege. So in a way Alaskans are a bunch of oil pimps.

But even though I am morally indignant over the fact that these companies are drilling big ugly holes in my picturesque state I still have bills to pay and will be filling out my PFD application posthaste. Don't you dare judge me.

Oh I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "You know what? I want some free money too!"

Not so fast Spanky! There is a catch: To be eligible for a PFD, you must have been an Alaska resident for the entire calendar year preceding the date you apply for a dividend and intend to remain an Alaska resident indefinitely at the time you apply for a dividend.

That's right bitchez! In order to get your hands on our oil money you have to live here for a whole YEAR! And no that does not mean you can come up here, open a P.O. Box, and then rush back home to warm you ass back up. No you have to PHYSICALLY live here for a whole YEAR!

That means you have to experience shoveling snow for up to three times a day!

You will get the joy of driving to work while scraping ice from the INSIDE of your car windows because you did not have time to let your car warm up properly.

You too will learn to run outside in shorts the MINUTE the mercury hits a toasty 50 degrees outside, exposing legs so blindingly white that the drivers of passing cars are temporarily blinded causing them to drive right over your neighbor's lawns.

You will have to learn to drink like a fish to keep yourself too intoxicated to realize that you have not seen the sun in three months!

And of course you will learn to accept having your nipples permanently erect for ten months out of the year.

And by the time you finally have lived here long enough to earn that PFD check you will realize that NOTHING in this life is truly free.

So if you think you have what it takes then come on up! In case you haven't heard we have FREE money, and watching you poor bastards struggling through one of our winters is waaaay more entertaining then anything they have on cable. Bwa ha ha!