Now this is how to enjoy the very first day of 2009! Or not.

When I woke up today I was determined to not just sit around in my pajamas and waste the day surfing the internet, watching bad moves, and eating junk food.

I wanted to go someplace, do something, and make something happen.

But it is freaking New Years Day! Every place worth going to is closed and besides I have spent all of my discretionary funds on frivolous things like gas, food, and Coffee-Mate French Vanilla coffee creamer. (I swear I am addicted to that stuff! It is like liquid crack!)

So I thought what could I do that did not cost any money, use any gas, or make a mess that I will have to clean up later? (I mean who wants to spend the first day of 2009 cleaning? Not me that is for damn sure!)

I took a look out of the window and noticed that the sky looked absolutely gorgeous and thought wouldn't today be a great day for a brisk winter walk? I checked the temperature and saw that it was 8 degrees below zero, but thought to myself "Hey I am a REAL Alaskan, 8 degrees below zero won't stop a manly man like myself from taking a brisk walk just to get the old heart pumping." Besides when I was a kid I played outside in weather MUCH colder then that until my little boy parts sucked up inside of my body and I was for all intents and purposes a chilly hermaphrodite. Ah those were the days!

So I put on my boots, my thickest pair of sweat pants, my hat and gloves, and my Glacier's Edge down filled parka. I was ready to face the elements.

Once I got outside I just knew I had made the right decision. It was deathly quiet, the frigid air tickled my nose hair every time I inhaled, and the scenery was magnificent. I looked over at the majestic white mountains framed against the azure sky and I thought how blessed I was to live in such a beautiful state. I quite literally felt sorry for people who live in big dirty cities, the poor saps!

Then I turned off of my street and onto the bike path that runs next to the road, and everything changed.

The first thing I felt was this gust of icy wind that cut through my clothes so thoroughly that I actually looked down to make sure that I had not simply imagined putting on my thickest pair of sweatpants. It seemed like the wind was ripping out my leg hair one follicle at a time. I felt my nose squeeze shut in a defensive position and my manhood traveled so far up inside of my body that I believe they may have taken refuge in my rib cage.

I wanted to curse out loud but my mouth refused to open up to let the words out. I had to swallow dozens of "oh shits" and"holy fucks" which did nothing to warm me up at all.

Now I could have simply turned around and gone back. I mean nobody would ever know. It was just me, the snow, and the scrotum shrinking wind out there.

But I am an Alaskan dammit! So I continued forth.

I walked down the bike path until my tears froze on my cheeks. I walked around the elementary school until my joints creaked with every step. I walked through the surrounding neighborhoods as families stood plastered to their windows to see the strange shivering man stumbling slowly past their houses. ("Don't look Johnny" the father kindly says to his young son "It is just some poor bastard too ignorant to come in out of the cold.")

My memory of returning home is somewhat fuzzy. I remember jabbing ineffectively at the garage door keypad almost a dozen times before realizing I was typing my phone number and not the access code. Then as the garage door slowly began to open I dropped to my knees and crawled under where I continued crawling until I had made it into the warmth of my house. And there I lay on the floor in the fetal position until the feeling returned to my extremities and I was able to stumble to my microwave to prepare a steaming cup of hot cocoa. Ahh hot cocoa!

A few minutes later I was sitting in my favorite chair, surfing the net, eating junk food, and watching "The Happening" with Mark Wahlberg. (God what a bad movie that was!)

So what did you do on your first day of 2009?