Where's the Peanut's gang when you need them?
Still I DID decorate it by myself, while almost completely sober.
I am about to leave and visit my mother for dinner, reminders of past mistakes, and a barrage of insults from family members.
Essentially holidays spent with my family are kind of like watching a celebrity roast, only we occasionally have an actual stabbing. (In my defense it was a butter knife, and my brother was WAY out of line.)
Our favorite past time is locating the one person in the group who had the best year, and then humiliating them by reminding them of all of their past failures. This is especially entertaining if they have been ignorant enough to bring their new spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/or current sexual partner with no place better to go on the holidays, with them.
I am often the biggest target at these dinners, not because I have the best life, but because I am the most vicious, possess the fastest wit, and really don't care for any of my relatives who did not actually give birth to me. Nobody can deal with me on their own, so they tend to gang up.
The only time this is not the case is, much like today, when my daughter is with me.
My daughter is possessed of my same quick wit, attached to an incredible catalog of ammunition courtesy of her mother (Or as I call her "That women who got me drunk and purloined my sperm to impregnate herself."). Essentially my little girl immediately comes to the aid of anybody who is unable to defend themselves against my "teasing" and verbally eviscerates me on their behalf.
She just makes me so proud sometimes.
Besides my daughter and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts that I am required to bring in order to placate the mob, I am also forced to bring one of the only two dishes I can prepare without blowing up the kitchen.
One year I forgot to make it and showed up empty handed.
The whole family just glared at me during the entire visit, with my brother occasionally muttering. "You know what would go good with these presents? Some spinach dip!" (Personally I think somebody is long overdue for another stabbing.)
Anyhow I will have my I-Pad with me and will try to stay on top of the comments, so if you would like to share YOUR family traditions or wish each other a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, or Super Saturnalia, feel free to do so.
My beautiful, intelligent daughter, who lives in Africa is adopting an African baby. My 93 year old Mother cannot wait to hold her Great-granddaughter. My side of the family is thrilled. My husband's side is super-duper Catholic. Their reactions: "a coal black baby", "well, that's her problem", "why would she do that?"
ReplyDeleteThese are the strongest, most absolutely self righteous, anti-abortion people I know. Care about the fetus not the child.
Merry F-ing Christmas to them.
My tradition, especially when the wingnuts are visiting, is to drink as much as I can and still function! It makes them a little more bearable!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, or Happy Holidays as I like to say to really set them off!
I want to go to YOUR house today!
ReplyDeleteWhat a mob; I'm sure they are as all as funny as you are or you wouldn't write of them as you did -- with a big smile on your face.
Merry Whatever!!!
See you on the other side. Get some rest and come back to your fans full of piss and vinegar and ready to take on whatever comes next in this rich pageantry of life we amuse ourselves with (if we are smart).
Hey Gryphen,
ReplyDeleteI love this post. Thanks for sharing it with us !!
And your tree looks great, IMO.
As another one who is decidedly NOT gifted in the kitchen...I can attest to the amazing powers of that spinach dip. It is ridiculous how many people at random parties or work events have praised it to the high heavens and begged for the recipe.
Put it in a "bread bowl," and they'll never forget it.
(Oh, and your family sounds a little bit like mine. So maybe your daughter can be on your team this year? From the sound of it, No one would dare take on the two of you...) ENJOY !!
SunnyVee
Try not to stab anyone this year! Not cool to be in the ER on Christmas, nor under arrest!
ReplyDeleteWe spent the day with our son, his lovely wife, and the two grandkids. She cooked breakfast at her dad's, where they are staying while they have escaped nutty Texas for two weeks. Then they came over here for more presents and lunch. When the exhausted kids (5 and an extremely precocious neaarly 3) napped, we played games.
Now they are back at the in-laws, and will return tomorrow so we can entertain (spoil) the kids while they head to Ann Arbor and a visit to their old college stomping grounds...and dinner at Palio's...yum!
Our daughter and her hubby will be here next weekend...he works retail and so Christmas at Walgreen's is quite hectic. We'll have them pen their gifts, and then we'll play board games and eat.
No stabbing involved, as all six of us are happy Liberals. Happy whatever to everyone!!! 2012 will be better, and not for the reasons the GOP thinks!!
Hahaha re your Christmas story ! Oops, I mean Hohoho!
ReplyDeleteEvery year I try very hard to be tolerant and forgiving of the extended family members that tick me off with their insanity. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.
ReplyDeleteOh well, that's life!
Merry Christmas everyone, may the blessings of the season fill your home, your heart and your life all through the year. Namaste.
Sounds much like my family. Sounds so familiar and so comforting. Enjoy your family visit. Happy feasting.
ReplyDeleteMy mother died in June. I'm spending XMas with my dad because he's pretty lonely and my "wife" and I are not speaking. My 4 kids won't return my calls because my wife is a manipulative b. I was honestly thinking of blowing off XMas and exploring the bottom of a bottle.
ReplyDeleteDecided that would be fucking stupid.
So, I went out with my dad and bought a fresh duck. Roasting duck right now and watching Ralphie pine after a Red Ranger bb gun with a compass in the stock. Seems like a pretty good idea.
I'll NEVER again spend any amount of time with my extended family because they're a bunch of hyper-conservative limbaugh-listening paint chip eaters. As much fun as it is to punch holes in their diseased sound bytes and pathetic conspiracy theories, I just don't have the energy anymore. Life is short and there's waaaaay too many assholes without having to deal with "family." I seriously believe that conservatism is a mental disease.
Gryphen, glad to hear you're enjoying the holiday. I love your blog and have had a lot of fun on it. Please keep it up!!
And, let's please keep the Nimrod in XMas, people!!!
Smir
Hilarious post, and now I'm hungry for spinach dip.
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with you.
ReplyDeleteGryphen, Your tree is beautiful and more so because you put your personal effort into setting it up and decorating it!
ReplyDeleteMy son and I had a quiet Xmas this year and we really enjoyed it. The two cats and one dog had a ball with their stockings.
Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful daughter!
A Festivus for the Restivus!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part is The Airing of Grievances! Nice twist where the Grievances are delivered by an angry mob!
Thanks for a Great 2011 Gryph! Keep up your great work!
((((Smirnonn)))
ReplyDeleteDon't let them get you down.
You're a cool guy Gryph and I'm glad I found your blog. Keep up the good work. And enjoy the dip. Try Wiki-Wiki potato chips. Made in Hawaii from breadfruit. Better than potatoes. Crunchy outside and semi-soft in the middle.
ReplyDeleteI'm the only liberal in my family and we mostly stay away from politics. This year we had Christmas at my sister's house. Mom called at noon and said they were on the way but weren't going to eat with us - after my sister spent all day preparing a wonderful meal. Well, I guess it's better than last year when mom cancelled - yes cancelled - Christmas then got pissed because we chose to celebrate without her. We got to open presents on New Years Day which pissed me off because all I wanted to do that day was chill at the house. Happy New Year.
ReplyDeleteI've eaten about two pounds of spinach dip in the past twenty-four hours. . . . Merry gym membership.
ReplyDeleteMy lovely family celebrated Christmas last night with my nieces, nephew and two year old great niece the highlights of the evening. We ate and drank too much, laughed at the baby who tore through the house, ripped open her gifts, commandeered the computer and did flips off the beds and couch and ended up playing in wrapping paper instead of her gifts.
What a wonderful gathering—I was so happy when they all left . . . .
My bones ached as I sat drinking a cocktail wondering how I would get out of visiting my beloved aunt's house today. Her sociopathic daughter-in-law had threatened to make an appearance and rip the holiday spirit right out of all of our hearts. I haven't been able to stomach her since she campaigned for McCain and freaked out my extremely liberal family. She did it out of pure hate for us as she was a lifelong democrat.
Well, actually, she told her husband that was the exact reason she did it. Sick . . . .
Thankfully she stayed away so in the end I got to hang out with the saner members of my family and my ninety year old grandma who is not quite sane, but can be fun as hell.
We all sat around, ate cookies and aired our grievances but didn't wrestle the patriarch.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukah, Happy Festivus and a grand New Year to all!
bahahahahahahahaha. my family just engages in intense debates (between the academics elitests and the ones the elitests deems lowly souls unworthy of a voice (just because we dont possess a PhD))
ReplyDeleteThen there's my two favorite companions at the dinner table, with whom I mainly speak. I Really need to start venturing to the lonestar steak to my redneck, always fun family. I would go through less recreational vicodin that way.
RECIPE!!!!
ReplyDeleteI want the recipe for your spinage dip...sounds awesome!!
merry christmas gryph and THANK YOU ahead of time for sticking around next year!!!
Looking forward!!!!
Again....RECIPE!!!!
Lee in NC
Happy whatever holiday you choose to celebrate! That should cover everything.
ReplyDeleteSure hope you put water chestnuts into the spinach dip! Nutmeg too (freshly ground)
ReplyDeleteRemember add-a-pearl? I think you should give that brother a butter knife each year. He could select a silver pattern (yeah, sure!) or it could be of the fast-food-plastic persuasion. You could personalize what will soon be his large collection by engraving (okay, magic-markering) the year on it.
Your celebration sounds just great. Come back soon to tell us you've figgered out a way to lance open the abscessed carbuncle of pusilanimous lies that is the PalinHoax. To TRUTH in 2012.
My tradition is to ride the horses
ReplyDeleteon a clear sunny dec 25th.
That is So much nicer more funner more pleasanter and healthier than dealing with crazed family members to whom I gladly and peacefully say MerryFuckingXmas.
No punches pulled here: I dont
have time left to deal with all
your hoohah.
Enjoy, do your thang, luvs ya
but I dont gots time for this
stuff any longer.
Thanks, tho...:):)
@angela said...3:31 PM
ReplyDeleteROF, that was funny.
I'm with Mona. I think I love you. G. Hippie howlidays from one godless heathen to another. Someday if you come to Texas, look me up. We aren't all that bad!
ReplyDeleteWhat is your other special dish, besides the spinach dip?
ReplyDeleteSo just what is in your dip ? Next year I think my family would like some, with valium...
ReplyDeleteJust got done with a 3-way iChat with my bro and his wife in WA and Mom and Dad in VA. While 3-way iChat is happening everyone then got on their iPhone 4's and started walking around sharing home remodels, dinners cooking, dogs and cats playing and everything else while we are still on iChat. It was so much fun and so crazy and I'm so happy to have spent time with my folks and brother and get caught up with life and homes and pets!
ReplyDeleteJust hung out with good friends. Family is mostly not around anymore.
ReplyDeleteAll the drama aside, your tree is beautiful and have a very happy holiday season.
HAHA, my husband's family members are all nuts, druggies, in jail, crazy train people...husband is the "black sheep" b/c he has a good job, stable marriage, well educated/intelligent. We had his family (the 5 not in rehab, psych ward, prison) to dinner today.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow we go to MY family..the hallmark card family...all well educated, good jobs, good parents, stable families, etc., etc.
Christmas is always a crisis, because there is such a dissonance between our families. My husband has an annual emotional crisis b/c his family is so f***ed up, as compared to my family.
It makes me hate holidays.
Yep. We need the spinach dip recipe including the water chestnuts.
ReplyDeleteI knew someone would ask eventually.
ReplyDeleteMy other dish is a taco salad.
It is also no big deal, but for some reason people rave about it.
Oddly enough when I worked for the elementary school, I was famous for my coffee making abilities.
I swear I did nothing odd or unique but the teachers used to line up for a cup of my coffee, and I had to come into work a half hour early to meet the need.
I am still at a loss to explain that whole thing.
The 5 kids and their respective broods just left...
ReplyDelete... am enjoying a much-needed bowl and a cig ~ along with a cup of tea.
Happy Holy Days ~ to all that's anyone's Holy!
Merry Christmas Gryphen. You rock, your daughter rocks, and I'll bet your spinach dip does too.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy and no stabbing.
The spinach dip looks fabulous.
ReplyDeleteWe had breakfast with our daughter and family, checked out the grandkids' Santa gifts and came home, watched a movie, went out to eat at a Chinese buffet, came home, watched more movie, made some DVDs of grandkid's hockey game and are watching more movie. I used to get so depressed at Christmas but spending the day doing it our way works so much better.
kalula airlines, a clever little African outfit has a pretty well outlined policy about pretend-pregnant Palins:
ReplyDeletePregnant fairies
Pregnant mums can't fly after 36 weeks. Mums between 32-36 weeks will need a doctor's consent form to take to the skies.
I wonder if Bionce could get on?
20 years ago my parents' house was the place to be for Christmas. Some of those "annoying" relatives have moved out of state, have their own families with their own traditions or have passed on. Now it's just the immediate family and a handful of single relatives. While it's less work for my parents, who aren't as young as they used to be, it just doesn't feel the same.
ReplyDeleteSo keep in mind, for better or worse, those relatives who drive us nuts might not be around next year.
Happy Holidays everyone!
My daughter came home today after spending the first part of Christmas break with her roommate´s family. She took Inorganic Chemistry, Gen. Biology, Eng. Comp., Music, and Calculus in her first semester of college. I remember how stressed and nervous she had been during finals week, especially since 40% of the students in her Calculus class were failing. She cried when her grades were posted. She ended up getting a B in Calc. and Acing her other classes for 3.81 GPA.
ReplyDeleteBest Christmas present ever.
I didn't know you hated Christmas as much as I do Jesse. Next year let's get the hell out of here and fly to California or someplace warm. It was dark at 3:35 this afternoon and 10 degrees. There's gotta be a better place than here to suffer though this.
ReplyDeleteGryphen,
ReplyDeletePut your freeekin' I-Pad away and enjoy your annoying family! Life's too short.
Merry Christmas to you and your daughter. I'm looking forward to remaining immoral through 2012. I hope you'll keep guiding the way.
PS Spinach dip is still one of my all-time faves, especially served in a homemade bread bowl (hint hint). Bread making is soooo therapeutic.
My, my--sounds a lot like many Christmases of our past. Now the Hub's parents are elderly, so everyone tends to be on their best behavior. And, hey, we're getting older too--but somehow I miss those days of festive family blowouts and all the holiday snark. Sometimes Hubs, his brother and I used to subtly rearrange the decorations at their parents' house and see how long it would be before anyone noticed. Often, it took days.
ReplyDeleteI read your Peanuts post and get the feeling that if you're a comics fan, you may miss Calvin and Hobbes as much as I do--one of the best strips ever. Don't know if you caught this great video tribute to Calvin's famous snowmen--enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq8iyhMFLYE
May your knife be as sharp as your wit, and may your bro move fast.
ReplyDeleteto Dennis Zaki and Gryphen... 2 years ago we went on a western Caribbean cruise out of Galveston over Christmas. It was great sampling flavored tequilas on Cozumel on Christmas day. You really ought to try it. I hope to spend some future Christmas days on a nice hot beach.
ReplyDeleteG, That's MY family, you went to the wrong house.
ReplyDeleteTo Anon 6:17:
ReplyDeleteI am so in awe of your daughter!
I recently took Bio 1-A at UC Berkeley (as a golden ager), and it was all I could manage for one semester, even though I was Phi Beta Kappa decades ago as a lame liberal arts major.
Congratulations to you both! This is major!!
Anonymous @ 1:18- Congratulations to you, your daughter, your side of the family, and especially your 93 year old mother-
ReplyDeleteWhat a precious gift! This baby was concieved in a loving mother's heart. Don't know what to say about the other side of the family, love is something I can understand, hate, racism, and bigotry I cannot relate to. Ignore them and give them time, maybe their hearts will change.
Congratulations! and Merry Christmas!
wow,you described my family. what the hell is it with spinach dip anyway? I have been an executive chef, had my own bakery,can cook anything and yet, I am always assigned to bring spinach dip in pumpernickel round.Did it about 20 years ago, and it's supposed to be my tradition. Think I freaked them out the one time they let me cook at my own house. It was way too fancy for them,they wanted standard fare.
ReplyDeleteThis year,it was held in my mother's unfinished basement yesterday and my niece drove up 4 hours to cook all the food. I was 2 hours late because I was at work preparing other people's party foods. I was grateful to have an excuse really so I didn't get pulled into the madness. Today was absolutely perfect. Slept in,made spinach porcini mushroom quiche for lunch and then tonight made broasted rabbit with onion gravy,rosemary baby red potatoes and homemade strawberry shortcake. Did a video chat with my daughter's family and got to make up a bedtime story for my 5 year granddaughter, priceless.
All still in my pj's. Totally blissed out.
and I love you too man! Thank you for being alive and writing this blog which makes me so happy and being able to laugh a lot.
Merry Christmas Gryphen! Happy Holidays. Love, Daisydem.
ReplyDeleteP.S. and though I don't know her, to your daughter too! My daughter is here, visiting from Austin.
Smirnon, I had a similar experience when my dad passed away three years ago. The "vultures" didn't go to his service "because they wanted to remember him the way he was, and beside, the body is just the lord's vessel, and dad isn't there anymore". The "vultures" contested his will, and I was villianized for being executrix and taking care of mom, as dad wished.
ReplyDeleteIt get's better but time heals nothing, enjoy your time with your dad, and take care of yourself.
We had a liesurely "seven fishes" Christmas Eve with 18 close family and friends, then we opened presents and remeniced (sp) Christmases past while opening presents and drinking Cranberry punch made with Citrus Vodka and Lemonchello. Then we all had desserts and the real fun began.
ReplyDeleteSnark on
We played "Pin the Empathy Belly on Sarah Palin", charades replaying Bristol's iconic tent scene, dwts, and her chin book interview with The View using Sarah's word salad and mimicing troll comments
Snark off
Actually, we chased everyone home at the stroke of 1:30 a.m., with the exception of my Daughter's boyfriend who was too drunk to drive. We relegated him to an inflatable mattress in our finished basement, while I and my husband slept in the family room sofa bed, and the kids slept upstairs.
Chirstmas Morning, we visited Dad at the cemetery, had breakfast then took a nap. Our dinner guests arrived at 4 p.m and we spend a nice, quiet day watching movies, playing analogue board games and picking on sweets.
I might try adding spinach dip to our tradition. Love the stuff.
Merry Whatever, everyone! A healthy and propsperous new year to all, especially Gryphen and his Daughter.
Gryphen, I like Dennis Zaki's idea. A break from that arctic weather for the holidays sounds like fun.
Anonymous 1:18
ReplyDeletePlease don't judge the whole Catholic Church based on your painful personal experiences. "Most self-righteous . . . people I know." Please consider Rachel's Vineyard, an effort of the Catholic Church to address the pain of abortion for all involved.
Catholic means universal. The church does not favor any race or color whatsoever. The comments you recount can surely reflect only a tiny, negative, and perverse element of the church. Blessings to you all and the child added to your family.
I have to wonder where your husband's side of the family come from spiritually, and how they so totally missed out on the message of love Jesus taught.
Truly, Merry Christmas to you and yours, minus the profanity I might be tempted to include in light of my own painful life experience. (NB: Life hurts, but the pain is proof that we are alive. Try to get beyond the bitterness.)
Anon@1:18: Your beautiful intelligent daughter already knows she is conferring a blessing upon the world by adopting a needy child, but please give her a special hug from me, a pro-choice, pro-born-babies person.
ReplyDeleteGryphen, your spinach dip was the hit of OUR party, here. Wish I had some right now. Taco salad? not so sure. But I bet the secret to your coffee is to use perhaps MORE coffee grounds than usual. Strong coffee is the greatest.
Thank you to all for these hilarious accounts of the dysfunctional families we all seem to have. Maybe that's what Santa is always laughing about: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Merry Christmas, Gryph! I so much enjoy my daily dose of sanity. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteIf all of you want a recipe worth waiting for -- and Gryphen, this will be a taco salad par excellance! -- try this:
ReplyDelete5-6 boneless pork chops, trimmed and cut into cubes
1 large can of green enchilada sauce (mild or medium spiciness)
1 can of Rosarita vegetarian refried beans
1 large can of Ortega diced green chiles
1 small can of Mexican corn (with the diced red and green peppers)
2 Guerrero brand crispy corn tortillas for each diner
shredded Mexican 4 cheese mixture
shredded iceberg or romaine lettuce
Guacamole
Sour cream or greek yogurt
Salsa
In a dutch oven saute the diced pork until tender - don't over cook
Pour the entire can of green enchilada sauce into the dutch oven.
Add the refried beans, corn and diced green chiles - stir well.
Heat to boiling then lower heat and simmer for about a half hour, stirring every so often to prevent scorching.
Line the bottom of a bowl with the crispy corn tortillas, breaking them into pieces if desired. Spoon the hot green sauce/pork stew on top and sprinkle the 4-cheese mixture over the stew.
Top the stew with shredded lettuce and add guacamole, sour cream or greek yogurt, and salsa as dressing.
Enjoy! My local favorite Mexican restaurant calls this Taco Salad Verde (although they don't add the refried beans to their stew).
So.
ReplyDeleteWHERE IS THE SPINACH DIP RECIPE?
Oh, and so you don't feel left out...BLOCKHEAD.
Happy Holidays to Gryph and all his readers (even you Sarah!)
ReplyDeleteHere's a view from the UK on the Grifter:
http://brightgreenscotland.org/index.php/2011/12/dick-of-the-year-sarah-palin/
@Jude, thank you for your kind words
ReplyDeletePlease don't judge the whole Catholic Church based on your painful personal experiences. "Most self-righteous . . . people I know." Please consider Rachel's Vineyard, an effort of the Catholic Church to address the pain of abortion for all involved.
I only mentioned the Catholic church to show what hypocrites my in laws are. They only care about "church", not the teachings.
Love to read the comments here! Like most people who are not "fear brained", Gryphen shares himself and his ideas & food with others.
ReplyDeleteI find most liberal thinkers are generous and fun.
We enjoyed our Christmas with friends as family are mostly all in Miami. We sent Mom (92) for a months stay with my 3 sons who all live near each other. In 1988, after an accident left him a quadriplegic, one of my sons came to live in Miami as the weather is better for him.
Mom is having a blast with the guys and daughter in law who is so nice, she took Mom to see The Nutcracker! My little dog Paco is not long for this world as he is 16 and blind now. My honey and I are keeping him close and it's only a matter of weeks, maybe days & we'll miss him.
So hope everyone enjoys their holiday whatever way they can because to me, it's a way of making another good memory to keep.
love to all,
Jeanabella
Our Christmas tradition - NO gifts! We just have family and friends (of like minded alternative Christmas) come over for an amazing meal, good conversation and playing games.
ReplyDeleteWe don't spend our money on Christmas trees or other holiday decor. We have no meltdowns over the ugly clothes that a distant relative sent, no crying because someone was given a cheap gift while the recipient gave the giver a very expensive gift. No disatisfied people who didn't get what they really wanted on their gift list. No gift returns are needed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsMUpkckTaE
ReplyDeleteReverend Billy (Stop Shopping Church) at Occupy Wall Street demonstration
If i come up to laska next year,will you share some spinach dip?
ReplyDeleteFor years we have exchanged names on Thanksgiving..each person wrote 3 items they wanted...for $25-30. Last year we discussed doing something different. In honor of my mother (who died last year) we chose to buy items for a Salvation Army family (that was her life long charity of choice). We each gave $30 to one sister (there were 30 of us, so a nice amount of money!) and she and several nieces/great nieces went shopping for the family that they assigned us. The father and mother had asked for next to nothing...and two teen girls had only a few items. They went to Kohl's as one of them had one of those 30% off cards..plus they were giving extra bucks. I wish you could have seen the huge pile of things they were able to buy for them all! They went before Thanksgiving so that we could all help gift wrap then.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you, this did so much more for every single one of us than some $30 gift ever would have done. There were lots of tears as we all said more than once "Granny would be so happy!" We all agree this will be our new tradition.
I am not bragging..I just thought maybe it would inspire other families.
Anon at 1:18....I think you can be VERY proud of your daughter! What joy that baby will bring to those of you open enough to allow yourselves to love it. My daughter wanted to adopt a child from Haiti, but so many people she talked to were so aghast (not me...I was excited). Then the whole adoption thing blew up, and she was glad she wasn't involved. She chose, instead, to send money to help them. Keep us informed on the adoption.
ReplyDelete