Seriously Alaska? WTF?

Okay so I woke up this morning to my daughter coming home at 5:30 a.m. after driving her drunken co-workers home last night. (She is a nondrinker and therefore always tapped to be the designated driver.)

First she says "Good morning Dad," quickly followed by "Have you SEEN what is going on outside?"

Well I was just then sipping my first cup of coffee, so no I had not seen what was happening outside as I was still not completely sure what was happening directly in front of me.

So I looked.

Gryphen front porch

Crappy cell phone picture of Gryphen front yard featuring denuded, snow encrusted, tree.

Gryphen back yard. Well at least you can no longer see the dog poop!

Okay what the actual fuck, Alaska?

I had to check my calendar three times just to make sure I was the appropriate amount of freaked out about this. Yep, it is ONLY September 29th!

Again, WTF Alaska?

Okay you know we do get early snowfalls. Usually around the end of October. But never this early, right?

I know that because I live here. And also because it is part of my childhood trauma.

Here let me explain, you see when I was a little boy I wanted to dress up like Spider-man, because you know Spider-man was the shit.

However we were pretty poor, so my mom tried to talk me into dressing up as something she could put together from items around the house. You know like a hobo, or a ghost, or a little boy whose heart was broken because he could NOT be Spider-man!

Anyway after I whined the sufficient amount and promised to eat my vegetables (Yeah right!) and clean my room (Never happened!), she caved in and bought me a cheap ass Spider-man costume at Woolworths.

And let me just tell you that I looked EXACTLY like Spider-man! (YOU know if Spider-man had been a hyperactive little midget, with a speech impediment.)

I loved the hell out of that costume and wore it to bed, at the dinner table, and even tried to wear it to school but my mother stopped me because apparently she did not want me to be the most awesome kid on the playground. (Mom was always holding me back like that.)

So after two weeks of waiting it was FINALLY Halloween, and I was so amped up I was crawling on the walls even without web-shooters. (Which this cheap ass costume did not have, even though it was an obviously imperative accessory.)

However when I woke up, you guessed it, we had snow.

A butt load of snow.

In response my mother made one of those executive decisions that all kids dread, and told me it was now too cold and that I would have to wear my Spider-man costume UNDER my snowsuit. Aaagghh!!!

Anyhow after some calm negotiations (Well essentially after fifteen minutes of my screaming and banging my head on the floor) we compromised. I COULD wear my Spider-man costume for all the world to see on the OUTSIDE of my snowsuit.

My throat was dry, I was having trouble breathing, and my head hurt like crazy, so I acquiesced.

However after my mother squeezed my snowsuited body into the costume I ended up looking like Spider-man with a serious pituitary problem. I was so bloated that I looked like a candidate for a superhero fat farm.

Well what could I do?  There was candy just waiting for me on the streets of Anchorage, so I "Spider-manned up" and went out to claim my booty.

Well to make a long story short (I know, too late right?) I ended up having one of the WORST Halloweens ever!  The snow was up to my knees, so my costume got drenched and started to fall apart. It was cold outside but hot inside my mask, so my face was sweating, and then the sweat was freezing to my cheeks. And to make matters worse my eye-holes got all frosty and I couldn't see where the hell I was going and kept wandering into traffic.

But possibly the worst thing was that I also could not see the top of my little orange pumpkin Halloween candy bucket and I kept missing it and dropping my candy in the fucking snow! And when I reached down to get my hard earned popcorn ball, the back of my costume split from crotch to hairline, and suddenly I was only a cool pudgy Spider-man from the front, and a sweaty little sobbing child from the back. Fuck that Halloween!

But I digress.

Really the important part of this post, is why in they hell is it snowing already?