Friday, July 19, 2013

Christian Pastor: ‘I Have Never Met Anyone Who is Actually Happy About Having Sex Before They Were Married’ Well Somebody is doing SOMETHING wrong.

This quote comes from Aaron Buer a pastor at Ada Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Here is the quote with a brief setup:  

God designed sex. Whoa…that’s a weird thought. But, it’s a true. Sinful humans didn’t invent sex. Sex isn’t dirty or gross. It’s good and beautiful. In fact, sex is beautiful because it was God who invented it and gave it to us as a gift. 

With all that said, sex is also incredibly dangerous because God designed it for a specific context. According to the biblical account, sex is for marriage and nowhere else. And, the biblical writers gave us a bazillion warnings about misusing sex. 

Why? Because God designed sex as a way to forever cement two people together. Sex literally and symbolically unites two people—physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is no going back on the union either. “Just kidding” or “oops” doesn’t do anything to erase the connection. 

I have also seen evidence of this reality in the people around me. I have never met anyone who is actually happy about having sex before they were married. All I’ve ever seen and heard is massive regret.

Regret? I think that is only after these individuals have been shamed by certain religious people into believing that they lost something which defined them as Godly, instead of simply experimenting with their sexuality and improving their technique so as to be a better partner for their wife or husband. I have had a lot of sex in my life, and I have to tell you that the only encounters I MAY regret are the few virgins I deflowered while a teenager. (To be honest I was nothing to write home about back then either.)

This is the same kind of thinking which suggests that providing sex ed is bad, that providing access to birth control encourages sin, and that once a woman has given in to her base urges she has surrendered the right to control what does or does not take up residence in her womb.

Speaking for myself the very best sex I have ever had was while single, and that getting married never failed to kill the spark and turn what was once a fun and fabulous experience into a dreary chore.

And as for experience I have never found that a person with few partners was better in bed than one who had sampled many. Actually quite the opposite proved to be true.

The idea that virginity is a valuable commodity hearkens back to a time when our more primitive forebears had little understanding of biology and believed that the sperm of a previous lover could live inside a potential wife's body for perhaps decades and therefore potentially contaminate their offspring with the attributes of another man.  Remember "purity" did not start off to be a reference to the soul, but rather a reference to the untouched nature of the body.

There was that but also an ingrained fear that many insecure men have that they would not "measure up" to, or please their partner as thoroughly, as a previous partner. Why bother to improve your technique, when as far as she knows ALL men are as inept as you are?

There is nothing wrong with having premarital sex, as virtually EVERYBODY in this country already knows.

The ONLY people who would think otherwise are the superstitious, the ignorant, or the insecure.  I have the feeling that  Pastor Buer is all three.

Hat tip to the Friendly Atheist:


  1. Anonymous4:51 PM

    I wonder what the average age of his parishioners is and how many he has. Bet he has gay relationships too.

    1. ibwilliamsi6:29 PM

      Yes, but he loathes his gay sex.

  2. Once they hauled religion and other men into the discussion (and many of them did), I ducked my head in a sort of dismissive/acknowledging gesture (so they wouldn’t chase me) and headed for the doors. Gryphen, I shudder that we’re still having these discussions. Many people have learned nothing.

  3. Anonymous5:04 PM

    I was a lot more sweaty during my pre-marital sex. Guess I'm a true sinner. ;-)

  4. Anonymous5:19 PM

    Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too

    ... It is by now pretty well understood that traditional dating in college has mostly gone the way of the landline, replaced by “hooking up” — an ambiguous term that can signify anything from making out to oral sex to intercourse — without the emotional entanglement of a relationship.

    Until recently, those who studied the rise of hookup culture had generally assumed that it was driven by men, and that women were reluctant participants, more interested in romance than in casual sexual encounters. But there is an increasing realization that young women are propelling it, too. ...

    1. Anonymous8:02 PM

      Sorry, but those of us that were young adults in the 60's invented the hookup. And you should have seen how many guys we Army nurses had in Nam. Not knowing if anyone would be alive next week adds a hotness I still think about.

    2. Leland1:21 AM



    3. Anonymous5:45 AM

      The catholic school verson of the hook up in high school in the later 70's only involved intense making out, up until senior year. Then a few girls went all the way, many got preggers. But for most, hooking up was just kissing.

    4. Anonymous6:51 AM

      @5:45 - depended on where you were RCC. Small town? Maybe, because your parents might have had drinks with the doc,or somebody saw your boyfriend asking the pharmacist for the Trojans.

      different case in a bigger city - you just "went to the main library to get a reference book the local didn't have" and while downtown, went to PP or a pharmacy.

      Sex in the post-pill, pre-AIDS era was grand and frequent (and I was more flexible.)

  5. Anonymous5:29 PM

    My husband and I met in high school, and although we say we never had sex before marriage (we waited until I was out of college to wed, which was 7 years after we met) we did everything BUT have intercourse in my dorm rooms. Let's just say I would put Michele Bachmann to shame with her corn dog.That said, we are each other's only partner in 40 years, and I have no desire to let someone else into my bed or my body. And that pastor will no doubt be headlining one of those endless Christian conferences soon. Wonder how he feels about Santorum's wife's first marriage, and the multiple affairs of Gingrich and McCain.

  6. Anonymous5:36 PM

    It's the height of hypocrisy to foist your beliefs on people for an act you've never done. Just like people who've never had kids should refrain from offering child rearing advice, people who've never had sex, or pre marital sex, or one night stands should avoid giving advice or making moral judgements of those who have.

    Some of my best lifelong friends are women I had short sexual relationships with, with no thought of a long term emotional relationship let alone marriage. We just enjoyed each others' company without the pressures of being "committed" or "exclusive". There is no guilt or regret that I'm aware of.

    I will agree with the Pastor that "Sex forever cements two people together. Sex literally and symbolically unites two people" But what's wrong with being symbolically united with more than one person. We all need all the friends we can get. And while we no longer have sex, I still cherish and fondly think of these ladies and from what I can tell, the feelings are mutual.

  7. Anonymous5:41 PM

    He's simply lying. Either that or he's so good at laying on the guilt and shame that people constantly lie to him. I'd say it's a little of both.

    The only reason you might have regrets about having sex before marriage is because someone told you you should have regrets. I'm not talking about regretting having sex with an certain person, but having sex in general.

    1. Anonymous6:58 AM

      The regrets are usually that one person wanted more of a relationship than just sex. That was very true in the day when women couldn't/didn't support themselves financially. They put out to obtain a ring and felt cheated when the ring never came.

      Kudos to women of today, who see sex as sex. Without the "kid producing complexity," sex needn't be soul-binding. I mean, I love a great foot rub, but I'm not fantasizing about marrying every guy who gives me one.

      I also love ballroom dancing (competitive) but certainly don't fantasize about marrying even the BEST of partners.

  8. vegaslib5:42 PM

    Well I guess he never met me. I couldn't imagine marrying someone and then figuring out they suck in bed. (in a bad way I mean).

    1. Anonymous5:57 AM

      But, the sweetest thing my husband to be said to me about my lack of experience was "we have alot to learn together "

  9. Anonymous6:02 PM

    Let's please hear from Sarah Palin on her views of pre-marital sex, and what the Bible has taught her and her family about it.


    1. Anonymous6:17 PM

      Sarah Palin was for pre-marital sex before she was against it.

    2. vegaslib6:45 PM

      Of course she would say everyone else should wait until marriage except her and her hillbilly family. Yea right, I'll hold my breath for that one.

    3. Anonymous7:59 PM

      The Palin/Heath klan use engagement fetus' instead of rings, it's the only way some of them have gotten married and others like Ol' Brisket, can barely find anyone to do her.

    4. Anonymous5:58 AM

      Great comment.
      Someone tweet this!

  10. Anonymous6:22 PM

    I grew up in a religious environment that did everything possible to prevent its single people from having sex. I had no sex at all before my wedding night.

    I sure do regret it!

    Talk about a wasted youth... ah, if only I could be young again, knowing what I know now... there is nothing evil about sex.

    1. Anonymous5:59 AM

      I hear ya.
      I did wait until I found the guy I was going to marry. And had sex before marriage. But, alot of wasted time and opportunity.
      Yes, if only we knew then what we know now.

  11. Anonymous6:30 PM

    But what about the old testament guys that had like 200 wives? Fucking hypocrites that have never read the bible, I'm and Atheist but wow, at least my parents exposed me to the bible!

    Pure poppycock! I was put on the pill at 16 and explained what "safe sex" was, granted, there was no such thing as AIDS then and my group basically explored amongst ourselves, but really teenaged sex was the best and to deny that experience to any child and then shame them is inexcusable. This type of brainwashing makes for some screwed up adults; repressed and often sexually inefficient due to their lack of practice. I've always been one to "lend a helping hand" to those who need it ;-)

    1. Anonymous7:09 AM

      And so many people were so much more realistic:

      Once upon a time, a cop shone his flashlight through the steam-clouded side window of an old,rusted, Triumph Spitfire (hardtop) at the local lovers lane, tapped on the window and did his usual, "Come on out, I know whatchyer doing in there."

      The passenger, a lanky youth, opened the door and put his hand on the ground to assist in unfolding his 6'7" frame to it's full height and said, "Officer - in this?" (pointing to the car which now came up no higher than his waist.)

      The officer tipped his hat, scraped his jaw off the pavement and said, "Sonny, if you can, more power to ya" and walked away.

      Bucket seats, small imports and console stick shifts were the original chastity belts. On the other hand, the back seat of a 55 Chevy was almost a queen size bed.

  12. Randall7:05 PM

    The guy is either lying or incredibly naive.

    I, for one, regret NONE of the sex I had before I was married. And I've run into several "old flames" that tell me they don't regret when we did it, either.

    BUT, Gryph, I must disagree with you about the marital sex. In MY case, at least, it was some of the best sex I've ever had.

    My (now ex) wife and I got really, really good at it. We were married for twenty-five years and knew where all of each others buttons are and just when to push them.

    Yes, we're divorced now, but sex was never the problem.
    The sex was GREAT and it makes me believe that two people that have sex together over and over and over get better at it - and better and better.

    You don't make love TO someone...
    You make love WITH someone.

    1. Anonymous6:01 AM

      Nice comment and I'm very happy for you.
      We just seem to be too tired and my husband easily gets bogged down with life to even want to relax via sex sometimes.

    2. Anonymous7:13 AM

      @ 6:01 - if you believe that one honey, well I have this AZ oceanfront property....
      First, get him to a doc to rule out medical issues.

      Second, look at yourself in themirror - have you changed a lot since your wedding day - men are pretty superficial - weight gain, "mom clothes," all will stifle sex drive.

      If those don't explain it, then, get thee to the phone records, surprise him at his office or next out of town trip, etc. He's likely cheating. Sorry to tell you, but I learned the hard way.

    3. Anonymous11:01 AM

      Yeah.Thanks. He did get his thyroid and testosterone checked. hey were normal. I think I am as good looking ro better than when we married. He does travel alot for work and he may be getting a little something something on the side. That actually would be ok with me - otherwise i think he might be gay. And whats good for the goose.....

  13. Anonymous7:57 PM

    I loved sex before marriage ( with multiple partners) I was very experienced to say the least. But the only man that I think I could have married ( and did) is my husband who was very experienced. Decades later and he still makes me happy and sated.

  14. Anonymous8:37 PM

    Does he have an email, Gryph? If you post it, we can all refute his claims.

    1. Anonymous6:20 AM

      Oh heck, let's just go with snail mail...with postcards! Hot postcards! Y'know, like the ones with bikini'd babes on the beach, or rippling hunks.
      Of course, those postcards are easier to get where I live.

      I know postcards are a dying form of communication, but it would be worth it.

      Tom, in FL

    2. Anonymous7:14 AM

      Love it, tom! Just a line on the back - "hey pastor, just want to tell you I have no regrets about my premarital sex. It was great!"

  15. Chenagrrl9:36 PM

    The ancient rules against premarital sex had to do with only one thing. The value of the dowry and the purity of the lineage for land inheritance. If that was not at issue, then virginity was not an issue. Female house servants and field hands never had those restraints.

    1. Anonymous4:29 AM

      You are right, it only mattered to the landed gentry. The peasants could fuck who they wanted, same thing with marriage. Marriage was originally meant to join lands and territories, the wealthy did it the poor did not bother. Once there was a merchant class, they got in on the deal joining a baker to a pot maker meant you got free pots on one side and free bread on the other, barter by marriage.

    2. Anonymous7:15 AM

      Because fro the most part, the laird or lord saw children as more field hands - girls were their own potential rape victims or fuck partners..


  17. vegaslib11:40 PM

    Hubby says, sex with Sarah Palin? Talk about a bridge to nowhere. He's kinda funny my hubby is. BTW, Happy 16th anniversary to the old fart!

  18. Anonymous5:43 AM

    One of my biggest regrets in life is that i beleived my charismatic parents and the catholic church for so fucking long. I did have premarital sex, but
    I was waaaaay outside of the "average age" lol. And yes, premarital sex is way way more fun than married sex, and just as good as honeymoon sex.
    Yeah. I was told that if I slept with a man outsdde of marriage, I inherited not only his sins, but the sins of everyone he also slept with.
    I was a smart girl - but not critically thinknig enough.
    I soooo wish I could get all those chances back.
    I do
    I am bitter.

  19. Anonymous7:59 AM

    people have sex when they are married????

    What is the none stop obsession this "religious" people have with what is going on in other peoples bedrooms...

  20. Anonymous8:09 AM

    I am a scientist at heart and by trade so I feel compelled to do some scientific research on this one. My control points will be comparing married sex, I am divorced and if my memory serves me right it wasn't that great, and premarital sex. I guess I will head out on the town this weekend for some research.
    What would really help my study would be if I were able to interview his wife to get her opinion on how great that married sex is with an uptight a@@nugget for a husband...

    I base my beliefs on facts, you see that is how us heathens roll Pastor.

    1. ibwilliamsi6:29 PM

      Can we really have premarital sex after our divorces? ;)

      Something tells me that your ex being an assnugget was actually the problem, AND that sex is grrrreat!

  21. ibwilliamsi6:28 PM

    Quick question for the Pastor here. Who officiated at Adam and Eve's wedding ceremony, and who were their witnesses? TIA!

  22. ibwilliamsi6:35 PM

    OK, I give - what the hell is an "Ada Bible Church"?

    FWIW, I moved to the buckle of the Bible-Belt last year, and I have to tell you that the term "Pastor" is used VERY - pardon the pun - liberally here. They literally have handwritten lawn signs at freeway off-ramps advertising that this or that "church" is hiring a "Pastor".


Don't feed the trolls!
It just goes directly to their thighs.