According to an obviously flawed study Alaskans spend less time pleasuring their partners in bed than any other state. Oh, that is SO wrong.

Courtesy of The Nerve:

The Spreadsheets App, a mobile app that uses your phone's accelerometer and speakers to provide statistical feedback about your duration, thrusts, and decibel peak, is taking big data to the bedroom. 

"Spreadsheets was created to approach sex in a way that is both light-hearted and improvement oriented," says Danny Wax, Co-founder of the app. "We wanted to create an app that entices users to have some fun with their partner and share in that afterglow experience, while encouraging open dialog and feedback." Whereas some couples might have problems approaching topics like the frequency or quality of their sex lives, fun visual and logical feedback, including 30 earned "achievements" (like Seven in Heaven for a seven-minute rendezvous and Quick Spread for three-minute trysts), feels like a low-pressure way of checking in. Of course, with all wearable and quantified tech comes a gamification component. 

Spreadsheets shared the stats of its 10,000 early adopters so we could investigate who has cross-country endurance and who's a one-minute wonder. Averaging the intercourse time of all users in the United States (the app doesn't cover foreplay), we've provided a ranking of duration in minutes for all 50 states and the District of Columbia as a little bonus. While finishing times of under three minutes may surprise you, remember that these are just the averages among two-pump chumps and Lotharios alike. Besides, previous research has shown that, despite the hubbub about hours-long tantric sessions, intercourse itself usually only lasts for about 3 to 13 minutes.

Okay well it is all good fun until somebody's state comes in dead last in the pump per session category.

Check this crap out:  


1. New Mexico - (7:01) 

2. West Virginia - (5:38) 

3. Idaho - (5:11) 

4. South Carolina - (4:48) 

5. Missouri - (4:22) 

6. Michigan -(4:14) 

7. Utah - (3:55) 

8. Oregon - (3:51) 

9. Nebraska - (3:47) 

10. Alabama - (3:38) 

11. Delaware - (3:33) 

12. Hawaii - (3:28) 

13. Wisconsin - (3:22) 

14. North Dakota - (3:18) 

15. Arizona - (3:17) 

16. Maryland - (3:15) 

17. Mississippi - (3:10) 

18. Rhode Island - (3:09) 

19. Connecticut - (3:07) 

20. Texas - (3:06) 

21. New Hampshire - (3:04) 

22. Wyoming - (3:03) 

23. New York - (3:01) 

24. Pennsylvania - (2:58) 

 25. Maine - (2:58) 

26. Washington - (2:51) 

27. Iowa - (2:50) 

28. Illinois - (2:49) 

29. North Carolina - (2:47) 

30. Tennessee - (2:46) 

31. Kansas - (2:38) 

32. California - (2:38) 

33. Massachusetts - (2:31) 

34. Florida - (2:29) 

35. New Jersey - (2:28) 

36. Indiana - (2:26) 

37. Virginia - (2:23) 

38. Oklahoma - (2:21) 

39. Colorado - (2:21) 

40. Minnesota - (2:19) 

41. Ohio - (2:18) 

42. Louisiana - (2:17) 

43. Kentucky - (2:14) 

44. Arkansas - (2:08) 

45. District of Columbia - (2:08) 

46. Nevada - (2:07) 

 47. Georgia - (2:07) 

48. Montana - (2:03) 

49. Vermont - (1:48) 

 50. South Dakota - (1:30) 

51. Alaska - (1:21)

Okay look I don't want to get too graphic here (I mean I just turned 54 years old and talking about middle age sex is universally viewed as icky), but I can tell you that I have NEVER had any encounter in my life that would meet these low numbers, in ANY of the states, much less the pitiful one minute twenty one seconds averaged in Alaska. (What, are all the Alaskans who contributed to this thing sixteen year old boys?)

I have always believed that Alaskan men were probably on the upper levels of endurance. After all it's cold up here so why would we be in a hurry to leave such a warm place?

Personally I am offended by this report, and if any of the female members of the team would like to fly up here I can assure them the experience will not be measured in seconds, or even minutes. (Okay, well technically yes all time can be broken down into minutes and seconds but you get my drift. )

And just as a public service message to the men out there, if your bedroom sessions only last long enough for the commercial break, you might want to start exercising before or thinking about baseball during.

No wonder women are so fed up with men these days.