Friday, June 06, 2014

Screw slaving away on hokey reality shows. The Duck Dynasty folks are releasing their own Bible.

Courtesy of SGN Scoops:  

One of the leaders in Christian publishing, Thomas Nelson, is teaming with two high-profile television personalities who are known for their faith, Phil and Al Robertson. Together they are releasing The Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible on October 28, 2014, and the project will focus on the Robertson’s five core values: Faith, Family, Fellowship, Forgiveness, and Freedom. 

The Bible will be released in the New King James Version and will include 30 life-changing testimonials along with 125 Set Your Sights features from Phil and Al, who serve as Executive Editors on the project. The Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible will be available at all online and retail outlets. 

“We are honored and excited to be working with Phil and Al Robertson on this new Bible,” says Robert Sanford, Vice President and Associate Publisher for Thomas Nelson’s Bible Group. “The Robertson family’s passion for the Word is infectious and the impact of their ministry is amazing. We see this Bible as being something people can grow with in their own personal walk with God.” 

“This is just one more way that we can present, as ministers, the message of Jesus to the world around us,” says Phil Robertson.

Good call for the Robertson's in my opinion. After after all while making duck calls and watching beards grow on reality show might be somewhat profitable, the REAL money is in shearing the sheep by using the sharpened blade of religion.

Just imagine the changes they might make to the ten Commandments.

"Thou shalt have no reality shows before mine."

"Thou shalt make not for yourself a duck call, that is not licensed by Duck Dynasty."

"Thou shalt not murder, unless it is one of those heathen ducks who surely must die."

"Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain, unless you are cursing one of them homosexuals, and then God will totally understand."

After reading this I have to wonder how long it will be before we are "blessed" with the Palin family bible. After all that crazy bitch has been working the evangelical circuit almost as long as Joel Osteen.

Of course the Palin Bible would be completely holy ghostwritten, and it would have a whole lot more begetting, and a whole lot less taking care of the sick and the poor.

It would also have pictures that you could color of course.


  1. Anonymous6:26 AM

    Thou shall have no other quacks before me!

  2. Anonymous6:29 AM

    Brilliant post.

  3. Does this mean Phil Robertson is telling Sarah Palin to just shove it with her king-making activities concerning him and the Presidency?

    Or do you suppose he plans on being crowned Defender of the Faith? Kay Robertson better start planning now for how she's going to hang onto her head...

    1. Anonymous12:19 PM

      The Robertsons got burned by their endorsement of their good friend, Congressman Vance McAllister, who was caught on security video making out with a staffer in his Congressional office, and is not running for re-election. I think they will be wary about getting entrenched deeply with the partisan political scene and possibly ruining their brand(s), Duck Commander and Duck Dynasty.

  4. Leland6:52 AM

    They WOULD pick the worst translation available, wouldn't they? (I don't consider the Morons to be in the same religion.)

    1. Anonymous7:57 AM

      Isn't that just the coolest thing about your religion? You not only get to sit back and pick and choose which version you prefer (just like they did), you get to condemn them and everyone else who doesn't choose the same version you do, because YOURS, of course, by virtue of the fact that YOU with your inflated sense of superiority chose that one, is the best one.

      Spare me from all the bullshit... theirs AND yours.

    2. Leland11:31 AM


      Sorry if you happen to believe that was a personal description, but it IS recognized as the worst by MANY in the field. King James only wanted a bible that allowed him to divorce so he could marry the next bimbo! Even worse, the ignorant bastard demanded HE have the final say in the meaning of a word - even though he had no education of any significance compared to those who COULD read and translate effectively.

      In my PERSONAL OPINION, not one of them is worth a pile of crap because they were all based on papers written far after the facts. Or they were based on papers or letters from people who couldn't read or write yet copied what they had received. And this in the days when cuneiform and other difficult written forms abounded. One slip not noticed can alter the meaning of a word drastically.

      And I don't HAVE a religion! So take your lousy misinterpretations and shove 'em.

    3. Anonymous12:20 PM

      Peace. Namaste.

    4. Leland1:48 PM


    5. Anita Winecooler6:13 PM

      That was just beautiful!

  5. Anonymous7:00 AM

    Make. It. Stop.

  6. LoveAndKnishesFromBrooklyn7:15 AM

    "Of course the Palin Bible would be completely holy ghostwritten, and it would have a whole lot more begetting, and a whole lot less taking care of the sick and the poor.

    It would also have pictures that you could color of course."

    Oh dear Gawd (is that blasphemous?) what a hoot, Gryphen. But there will be NO coloring*, NO creativity, NO abstract thinking!!! We must be good little sanctimonious, hypocritical, judgemental robots, doncha know--that's the E-ticket up to the Man. Oh, and tithe everything to those who need it most--Father Phil the Yuppie Duckster with his faux-trailer park Brady Bunch, and Most Holy Sarah, Patron Saint of the Stoopid.

    *Besides, I heard that the authorities took the Bots' crayons away--too sharp...

  7. IF, I was attached to the propoganda spicket of ANY 'religion', their own version of the Bible would be sacrilege and abomination, punished by expulsion or other remedies. Considering it's coming from the fake duck squad and the fake spiritual cock-up that is the Robertson's, then it likely will be a fake something....

    Just killing more trees... AssKlowns.....

    1. hedgewytch9:45 AM

      That's the first thing that came to my mind too...isn't making your own "bible" blasphemy? Isn't making $ off the word of God blasphemy? How is it that I seem to know and understand the "bible" better (and I haven't set foot voluntarily inside a Christian church (except for funerals and weddings) in over 30 years) than this "preacher" does?

  8. Balzafiar7:29 AM

    As the Church Lady would say -- "Isn't that special!"

    May I suggest, before the edition is finalized, they add the Book of Grifters? Their passion for that is infectious, along with whatever may be lurking in their dirty beards.

  9. I predict they will sell a ton of these because the people that watch their show are just that stupid.

  10. lwtjb7:48 AM

    These guys are not the only ones rewriting the Bible to reflect their own opinions. Nearly as I can tell most are taking out the be kind to one another, do not judge others, leave your material goods behind stuff.

  11. Anonymous7:50 AM

    Any book prefaced with "Faith and..." deserves nothing less than immediate incineration.

  12. Anonymous7:54 AM

    Does "fellowship" include rampant, unapologetic homophobia?

    And "duck commander," is that just an unimaginative play on "horse whisperer?" Yeah, it's always been my dream to "command" ducks by blowing on some corny device that makes them think I want to fuck them.

    What a bunch of tools.

    1. Anita Winecooler6:17 PM

      I wonder if Dane Edna or Ru Paul came out with their own editions, would it send these quackers over the edge with the same amount of homophobia, bigotry and hate their "sermons" so far have been full of?

  13. Anonymous8:16 AM

    Sarah is going to be so pissed she didn't do this first.

  14. Anonymous8:28 AM

    They left off a few of their core values in their press release: Fakery, Fraud, and Fleecing.

  15. I don't think the Lord is going to like this one bit.

  16. Blasphemy and heresy! Shenanigans too. What a colossal case Robertson is.
    M from MD

  17. Anonymous9:22 AM

    I wonder if they'll buy or influence ratings so their book is on the best seller list before it's in the bargain bin later on?

  18. Anonymous9:23 AM

    Grifters gotta grfit.

  19. Anonymous9:40 AM

    Read this earlier today. "We tried a Christian society run by the rich,It was called The Dark Ages for a reason".

  20. Anonymous9:41 AM

    Anyone can write a bible, just like "anyone" did back 1950 years ago!!
    Now, our job is to realize that "anyone" can write a bible and even start a religion if they want.
    See how it works people??

  21. Anonymous9:44 AM

    The second-largest religion in each state

    Christianity is by far the largest religion in the United States; more than three-quarters of Americans identify as Christians. A little more than half of us identify as Protestants, about 23 percent as Catholic and about 2 percent as Mormon.

    But what about the rest of us? In the Western U.S., Buddhists represent the largest non-Christian religious bloc in most states. In 20 states, mostly in the Midwest and South, Islam is the largest non-Christian faith tradition. And in 15 states, mostly in the Northeast, Judaism has the most followers after Christianity. Hindus come in second place in Arizona and Delaware, and there are more practitioners of the Baha’i faith in South Carolina than anyone else.

  22. The word blasphemy comes to mind.

  23. Anonymous9:52 AM

    "Lord, forgive them because they know not what they do. No seriously, Lord, they ain’t got a clue what they’re doing most of the damn time....

    "So The Holy Bible is going to be translated into phony reality show with a dose of hate and marrying 16 year olds on top.

    "I wonder if I can special order mine with a catfish bookmarker and a bullet hole through the parts I don’t like?"


  24. Anonymous9:58 AM

    This is how religions get started. How is the Duck Fucker's Bible any different from other bibles or holy books? They all are based on someone's ideas and fantasies of how the rest of us should live our lives.

    Not their own, of course. Everyone else's.

  25. Anonymous10:35 AM

    So, two thousand years from now, people will be praying to the Almighty Duck Commander in the sky?

    So, instead of saying Goddammit! we'll be saying FuckaDuck!

    I like it....

  26. Anonymous12:07 PM

    If you're judging this on its level of grift, I would rate it very high.

  27. I write book reviews. One of the most frustrating aspects of this gig is seeing reality show cretins like the Duck Dynasty crew getting book deals thrown at them while fledgling talented authors/writers get ignored.

    1. Anonymous6:33 AM

      Me too. It actually hurts my soul.

    2. Yea, it kind of hurts my feelings. And do actual notable religious figures like the Pope or Bishop Desmond Tutu get their own Bibles?

  28. Anita Winecooler6:23 PM

    I could see more acceptance for a ducky version of the Bible than the Sarah Palin version. Quite a few of those ten commandments are still in tact with the duck guy, And so few remain with the Palins.
    I can see her now, running and gasping for breath for the Patent Office. Are there three wise men and any virgins left in Wasilla?

  29. Anonymous2:12 AM

    Things are getting crazier and crazier in this world, and before you know it someone from the duck "dynasty" will be running for president. SP has paved the way for all the crazy loonies in the world who have some sort of public platform to make a run for it, especially if their platform contains religion. They "have God on their side" so they have to be some sort of salvation for all those humble sinners out there.


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