Sunday, April 23, 2006

Bin Laden calls out for his terrorist homies to keep up the good work. Would like to thank Bush for all the extra help.

Osama bin Laden issued ominous new threats in an audiotape broadcast Sunday, purportedly saying the West was at war with Islam and calling on his followers to go to Sudan to fight a proposed U.N. force.

In his first new message in three months, bin Laden said the West's decision to cut off funds to the Palestinians because their Hamas leaders refuse to recognize Israel proved that the United States and Europe were conducting "a Zionist crusader war on Islam."

"The blockade which the West is imposing on the government of Hamas proves that there is a Zionist crusader war on Islam," said the speaker on the tape broadcast by the Al-Jazeera network.

"I say that this war is the joint responsibility of the people and the governments. While the war continues, the people renew their allegiance to their rulers and politicians and continue to send their sons to our countries to fight us."

I voted for the other guy. I just thought I needed to say that.

You know all we really needed to do after 9-11 was catch this fruit loop and shut down his operation. One guy and a rag tag group of bad guys. Did we do that? No we did not!

Instead we spend billions attacking the wrong country and providing a never ending stream of potential terrorists that Osama can use to terrorize our country for decades to come. I cannot imagine how we could have screwed this up any more effectively! The idea that people still refer to Bush as "tough on terrorism" is a fucking joke! He is the terrorist's best friend! Every move he made played right into Bin Laden's hands!

If you voted for Bush do yourself, and the rest of us, a favor and tear up your voter registration card and sit these next couple of elections out. You have done enough damage for one lifetime.

Apparently we grow our own terrorists up here.

Six middle school students in a small Alaska town were arrested Saturday on suspicion of plotting to bring guns and knives to school to kill their classmates and faculty.

The students had planned to disable North Pole Middle School's power and telephone systems, allotting time to kill their victims and escape from North Pole, a town of 1,600 people about 14 miles southeast of Fairbanks, Police Chief Paul Lindhag said.

The seventh-graders wanted to seek revenge for being picked on by other students, Lindhag said. They also disliked staff and students, he said.

This stuff always breaks my heart. I just feel so sorry for the parents of these kids.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Those crazy Creationists have discovered Britain. Now you are in for it!

Mr Mackay, who has a geology degree, has conducted digs around the world where he has excavated fossils which he claims prove that the Bible was literal truth.

His website argues that the theory of evolution was introduced by Satan and that the idea has already undermined Western society and must not be allowed to spread to the Third World.

"Satan has only recently begun introducing evolution to Third World countries in order to destroy missionary enterprise," it states. "Let's get in first with our spiritual armour on and provide Third World missionaries and others with the weapons to do battle against the subtleties of Satan as he seeks to undermine confidence in God's Word and missionary enterprise."

Charles Darwin is going to be pissed when he learns that Mephistopheles is getting all of the credit for his hard work.

Satan is responsible for Evolution? Satan? Is that really the Creationists argument? Are they really arguing that science is evil? How desperate have these superstitious fearmongers become?

How do you argue with somebody who is this far out to lunch?

Actually I think this about sums it up:"These people are not just scientists, they are atheists," he said. "Their arguments do not come from pure science but from their interpretation of the evidence in order to back their beliefs."

I am sorry Jethro but there appears to be a flaw in your, for lack of a better word, logic.

If these scientists are "atheists", then what "belief" is interfering with their interpretation of the evidence? Being "atheists" they don't have a belief system to direct how they perceive the evidence. They just see "evidence". Could that be the problem? Is it that they do not see the world through the God fearing prism that keeps your ilk cowering in churches all over the world?

Could that be it Skippy?

Hah! I knew it!

Texans have little dicks
• A recent study by Pfizer Incorporated notes that Texas’ average penis length is seven percent lower than in its neighboring states.


I am having a clairvoyant lollapalooza today. This is what I wrote in March of this year:

But back to my theory that Bush got shortchanged in the male equipment department, if you think about it it makes perfect sense. He feels emasculated because he has a puny penis. In order to feel manly he needs to blow shit up and send troops to impose his will on other people who scare him.

Look he married a soft spoken, naive young lady who he felt would not find him lacking. He then treid to earn his mothers love by doing big things to make up for the small thing which she cruelly pointed out to him when he was young. To prove to his mother that he was a real man he needed to outperform his dad in the place he felt his father had demonstrated his shortcomings, Iraq!

Oil is not the reason we are in Iraq! George Bush's tiny tallywhacker is! Did you ever stop and wonder why his second in command is a thick bald guy named Dick!

My crystal balls and I are going to get rich!

(Oh by the way, if you hit the link above be ready for a ton of NSFW ads!)

Junior officers join Generals in speaking out against Rumsfeld. Heck of a crappy job Rummy!

To protect their careers, the officers were granted anonymity so they could speak frankly about the debates they have had and have heard. The stances that emerged are anything but uniform, although all seem colored by deep concern over the quality of civil-military relations, and the way ahead in Iraq.

The discussions often flare with anger, particularly among many midlevel officers who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan and face the prospect of additional tours of duty.

"This is about the moral bankruptcy of general officers who lived through the Vietnam era yet refused to advise our civilian leadership properly," said one Army major in the Special Forces who has served two combat tours. "I can only hope that my generation does better someday."

An Army major who is an intelligence specialist said: "The history I will take away from this is that the current crop of generals failed to stand up and say, 'We cannot do this mission.' They confused the cultural can-do attitude with their responsibilities as leaders to delay the start of the war until we had an adequate force. I think the backlash against the general officers will be seen in the resignation of officers" who might otherwise have stayed in uniform.

If I did not despise this administration so much I might actually feel a little bad for them. They are under siege from all sides and it is surely only going to get worse from here.

Oh wait I almost forgot.........I told you so! Sorry I just wanted to remind people that I predicted this well over a year ago.

Ex-President Ford defends Rumsfeld. In other news: Gerald Ford is still alive!

Allowing retired generals to dictate our country’s policies and its leadership would be a dangerous precedent that would severely undermine our country’s long tradition of civilian control of the military. It would discourage civilian leaders at the Department from having frank and candid exchanges with military officers. And, today, at a time of war, such an effort sends exactly the wrong message both to our troops deployed abroad and to our enemies who are watching for any signs of weakness or self-doubt.

You know the reason that we keep control of the military in civilian hands is because of the fear that the military might simply start conflicts to increase military spending and to ensure job security for them and their fellow soldiers.

But these generals are coming out to say that we should not be fighting this war. Or at least not fighting it in the same sloppy way that this administration has fought it up to now. They are certainly not doing this to benefit themselves or their buddies in the military, they are doing it because they wanted to say this while in uniform and couldn't! I find no reason to question their motives.

Besides who the hell cares what Gerald " I pardoned Nixon" Ford has to say about it anyway? He was an exceptionally unproductive President who got the job only because all of his predecessors were corrupt. And then he could not even win the only presidential election he ever participated in. This is who they find to support Rummy? Sad.

Protesters block Bush visit. Better get used to it buddy.

President Bush's visit to Stanford University's Hoover Institution was quickly moved to another location after more than 1,000 protesters converged around the Hoover tower.

The White House said the protesters blocked the only road into the central areaof the campus where Hoover is located, which forced a meeting with several Hoover fellows to be moved to the campus home of former Secretary of State George Shultz, a Hoover fellow who organized the gathering.

The motorcade instead traveled to the house, which is on the outer edge of campus.

The change in plans delayed the president's arrival by about 15 minutes.

Protesters said they were disappointed that the President would not see them and accused the President of sneaking around to avoid them.

I am not sure why the protesters are disappointed. Surely they learned from the Cindy Sheehan incident that this president is a coward who always runs from a fight that he can't send others to fight for him.

King George better get used to hiding from protesters because I have a feeling that he is going to be running into a lot of them in the next couple of months.

Even Bush can't be this stupid! Are we really contemplating a fight with China?

The Pentagon is engaged in an extensive buildup of military forces in Asia as part of a covert strategy to strengthen and position U.S. and allied forces to deter -- or defeat -- China.

The buildup includes changes in deployments of aircraft-carrier battle groups, the conversion of nuclear-missile submarines and the regular dispatch of bombers to areas close to targets in China, according to senior Bush administration officials and a three-month investigation by The Washington Times.

Who are we going to send to fight in China? There is nobody left!

China may be called a "third world country" but they are a juggernaut! If we were really dumb enough to pick a fight with them it would be on par with Japan attacking Pearl Harbor. China's response would be brutal and decisive.

But it almost seems as if Bush could care less about pissing China off. From the heckler during President Hu's speech to introducing the "the National Anthem of the Republic of China" which is the Taiwanese anthem, we have done nothing but act dishonorably toward a people who place a lot of importance on honor.

Now a reasonable person would assume that the military buildup is just a show of force to remind China that we are not to be trifled with. And I hope that is the case. But I do not see any reasonable people in this White House! They are impulsive and short sighted as hell!

So is it really possible that our country would pick a fight with China? I absolutely have no idea.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Damn it!

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said on Thursday he was seriously thinking about another White House bid in 2008 and will decide before the year is out.

"I will make that decision toward the end of the year, but I'm thinking about it hard," Kerry said in response to a question at the Latin Economic Forum at the United Nations.

Do not waste your time! You are unelectable! Stay out of the race so that we can offer a choice that will bring hope to the voters of America.

And while we are at it, I don't want Hillary or Al Gore either! These guys just bring too much baggage with them. There is so much that the Republicans can work with to chip away at these candidates and make them seem irrelevant.

I have already said who I would endorse. (Yeah I know nobody cares!)

John Edwards and Wesley Clark in 2008! This is the winning ticket!

We are waking up to $75 a barrel oil prices! Going back to bed will not help, it will be higher tomorrow.

The only silver lining in these out of control oil prices, and the pain at we are suffering at the pump, is that this will increase the desire of average Americans to drive the current controlling party out of Congress. If anything will get people to the polls it will be high gas prices.

The challenge for the Democrats is to take advantage of this problem and offer a real alternative to bring these prices back down. A tall order if ever there was one.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Apparently I am now an uncredited writer for "Real Time with Bill Maher"

While referring to Tom Cruise, Bill Maher said "Tom said he was going to eat his baby's placenta with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

I wrote on April 18th, "And then Tom ate the placenta with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

Now I am not complaining. Actually I am kind of bragging. And there is the chance that they came up with the same line on their own. But it is not the first time that one of my little one liners showed up on a television show or weblog. (I still love you Jon!) And I would complain, except I plagarize like a motherfucker!

But in the end who cares. It got a big laugh when Bill used the line and that is a sound that I never get to hear while I sit here, naked from the waist down, typing my fingers down to the nub. So borrow away Bill, Jon, Jay, Dave, and whoever else suffers a little creative dry spell. But maybe occasionally you could send a little love up my way.

(To be serious for a moment I do really try to give credit when I borrow, but I have been careless occasionally. Oops, my bad.)

"Well, this isn't about intelligence anymore. This is about regime change" CIA told before the Iraq war.

Tyler Drumheller, who headed CIA covert operations in Europe during the run-up to the Iraq war, said intelligence opposing administration claims of a WMD threat came from a top Iraqi official who provided the U.S. spy agency with other credible information.

The source "told us that there were no active weapons of mass destruction programs," Drumheller said in a CBS interview to be aired on Sunday on the network's news magazine, "60 Minutes."

"The (White House) group that was dealing with preparation for the Iraq war came back and said they were no longer interested," he was quoted as saying in interview excerpts released by CBS on Friday.

"We said: 'Well, what about the intel?' And they said: 'Well, this isn't about intel anymore. This is about regime change'," added Drumheller, whose CIA operation was assigned the task of debriefing the Iraqi official.

Is there anybody in this country that does not now realize that we were lied into this horrible war? I cannot imagine how genuinely brain damaged such a person must be.

Eighth grader decides to pimp the Sex Education DVD.

Three eighth-graders have been expelled from Bay Minette Middle School for showing a pornographic movie in their classroom while the teacher's back was turned.

The students slipped the sexually explicit DVD into the player while the teacher was grading papers and working on a computer, according to Terry Knight, assistant superintendent for Baldwin County Public Schools. The class had been watching an educational video.

One of the students had apparently brought the sexually explicit DVD to class in the past two or three weeks, Knight said.

The three students used a remote control to start the X-rated film on the screen where the educational video had been playing, Knight said.

They probably learned more that day then every other day of school combined.

Wanna know who they beat up that day at lunch?

Another student informed the teacher about the incident.

I love this next part.

Knight said neither the students nor their parents admitted to having the DVD.

"We don't know where those kids got that filth! We certainly don't have anything like that hidden in the bottom of our dresser under my socks!"

Scientists discover that men and women are different. "?????"

Men and women are actually from the same planet, but scientists now have the first strong evidence that the emotional wiring of the sexes is fundamentally different.

An almond-shaped cluster of neurons that processes experiences such as fear and aggression hooks up to contrasting brain functions in men and women at rest, the new research shows.

For men, the cluster "talks with" brain regions that help them respond to sensors for what's going on outside the body, such as the visual cortex and an area that coordinates motor actions.

For women, the cluster communicates with brain regions that help them respond to sensors inside the body, such as the insular cortex and hypothalamus. These areas tune in to and regulate women's hormones, heart rate, blood pressure, digestion and respiration.

So women are emotionally different then men huh? Just how far behind is the scientific research backlog? Are the scientists going to discover that water makes things wet next week?

You know maybe if I had had access to these findings I wouldn't have had to get divorced for the second time! (I am just kidding. Science could not have done anything to save that train wreck!)

Well anyhow let's get to the point. How will this new information help me to get laid?

"This is The Department of Homeland Security. Look we can't keep you safe but we are going to send Spanky the clown to entertain you. Okay?"

Fire departments are using Homeland Security grants to buy gym equipment, sponsor puppet and clown shows, and turn first responders into fitness trainers.

The spending choices are allowable under the guidelines of the Assistance to Firefighters grant administered by the Homeland Security Department, which has awarded nearly 250 grants since February totaling more than $25 million out of the current spending pot of $545 million.

"Oh look at the funny clown! I feel safer already!"

How much is our National Debt?

Dick Cheney has died! What? Oh the fat bastard is just asleep. Damn!

He looks so peaceful. I mean he hardly looks like the Spawn of Satan at all.

"Who's the black hearted hellspawn? That's right you are. Cootchie cootchie coo"

Grandmothers offer to sacrifice themselves in Iraq to save the life of a young person. For their trouble they are arrested.

The Granny Peace Brigade, they call themselves. Last October, they descended on the armed forces recruiting station in Times Square. They wanted to enlist, they said. They've been around. Send them to Iraq, they demanded, instead of some 20-year-old who has barely tasted life.

When the military, shockingly, showed no interest in signing them up, this Walker and Cane Brigade held a sit-in. The police ordered them to leave. They refused. So officers young enough to be their great-grandchildren handcuffed them gently and put them under arrest.

What a wonderful group of ladies! I am incredibly impressed with their determination. Fucking good for them!

George Bush cannot bring any real terrorists to jusice but he has no problem allowing these patriotic elderly women to be placed in a jail cell. Some defender of America he turned out to be!

CIA fires agent for leaking classified information.

Citing the Privacy Act, the CIA would not provide any details about the officer's identity or assignments. It was not immediately clear if the person would face prosecution. The firing is a highly unusual move, although there has been an ongoing investigation into leaks in the CIA.

"The officer has acknowledged unauthorized discussions with the media and the unauthorized sharing of classified information," said CIA spokesman Paul Gimigliano. "That is a violation of the secrecy agreement that everyone signs as a condition of employment with the CIA."

Okay just so I am clear here, leaking classified information is now a reason to be fired? Correct?

So anybody caught leaking classified information should be fired? Am I correct about that?

So when Karl Rove is identified by Fitzgerald as one of the White House leakers his ass is out, right?

And since we know that Cheney authorized leaks then he should be packing his shit as well, right?

Now the President supposedly can declassify documents by waving his presidential sceptor over them, but he authorized the leaks supposedly before he cast his declassifying hocus pocus. So he needs to remove himself from the premises as well, right? Right?

So when can the next administration move in? Or am I missing something here?

Update: We need to add Condoleezza to the above list as well.

The Immoral one sits and ponders his next brilliant post.

Here are some cartoons about a subject that I am having trouble laughing off.