Sarah Palin's final speech as Governor of Alaska. Get ready for some word "fruit" salad because this one has big chunks of crazy in it..

"In the winter time it’s the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn’t it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins."

For those of you who do not live in Alaska "Cheechakos' are what we call newbies that come to Alaska for the permanent fund dividends and "Sourdoughs" are the people who have been up here since before everybody got all fancy with indoor plumbing and electricity. "Fireweeed" is a beautiful, and very aggressive weed that Alaskan gardeners battle every summer. In Anchorage it managed to win so thoroughly that we gave up and named a road after it.

It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.

Hey it is not just "big wild". It is not just "wild and good". No in Alaska it is "big", "wild", AND "good". And it is "teeming" right next to our roads. Jealous yet? I have no idea what point she was trying to make here.

“How can that pessimism be, when proof of our greatness, our pride today is that we produce the great proud volunteers who sacrifice everything for country?”

"Careful Governor, you got a little piece of irony on that big honking flower that you are wearing on your lapel." Clueless, party of one!

"And first, some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence. You represent what could and should be a respected honest profession that could and should be the cornerstone of our democracy. Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that’s why our troops are willing to die for you. So, how ’bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quit makin’ things up. And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people, and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone."

I think that you simply cannot have to many "could's" or "should's" in your speech, but that is just me. And as for the Sarah's request that the media "quit makin things up"? Well in Palin-land everyday is "opposite day" so what she is really asking is for the media to stop reporting those facts to the "electorate" which kept revealing her multiple lies to Alaska and the rest of the world. Sarah just hates that!

And as for Sean "Lapdog" Parnell, if he promises not to use his children to deflect criticism, or thrust them out in front of him ala "The Lion King" then he can rest assured NOBODY will say a thing about his children. Of course as you notice dear Sarah simply CANNOT resist now bringing his children into the limelight "also".

"I remember on that December day, we took the oath to uphold our state constitution, and it was written right here in Fairbanks by very wise pioneers. We shared the vision for government that they ground in that document. Our founders wrote “all political power is inherent in the people. All government originates with the people. It’s founded upon their will only and it’s instituted for the good of the people as a whole.” Their remarkably succinct words guided us in all of our efforts in serving you and putting you first, and we have done our best to fulfill promises that I made on Alaska Day, 2005, when I first asked for the honor of serving you."

But..and then you....and what about.....ethics......lies....promises? I simply cannot find the words to respond to this statement. I believe that if you took just this one section and had a Psychiatrist read it we could get Sarah committed. Just an idea.

"Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership… got to stiffen your spine to do what’s right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you’re going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here’s how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets (Ashley Judd), they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes. Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt."

Oooh, oooh I want to join a "circus from Hollywood"! That sounds like a ton of fun! I wonder if I have to "stiffen my spine" first?

"We eat, therefore we hunt" Sarah Palin.

"I think, therefore I am" Rene Descartes.

"She speaks gibberish, therefore she is Sarah Palin" Gryphen the pajama clad blogger.

"Since I was a little kid growing up here, I remember the discussions, especially the political discussions just talking about and hoping for and dreaming of commercializing our clean, abundant, needed natural gas."

Wow! So Palin was pro-development since she was a little kid? Gee when I was a little kid I was pro-cartoons on Saturday morning, and pro-chocolate cake for dinner, and pro-teasing my little brother. What a strange household Sarah must have grown up in.

"What I promised, we accomplished. “We” meaning state staff, amazing commissioners, great staff assisting them, and conscientious Alaskans outside the bureaucracy - Tom Van Flein, and Meg Stapleton and Kristan Cole, so many others, many volunteers who just stepped up to the challenge as good Alaskans, but nothing, nothing could have succeeded without my right-hand man Kris Perry (Kris Perry is a man!). She is the sharpest, boldest, hardest-working partner. Kris is my right-hand man and much success is due to Kris."

So let me get this straight. Sarah Palin's idea of "good Alaskans" are a lawyer who threatens to sue a private citizen for reporting that there is a rumor, a woman with no soul, a woman who helped set up an illegal fund to funnel cash to the Governor, and a woman whose invaluable advice allowed Sarah Palin to stand in front of television cameras as a "Turkey holocaust " took place behind her. Oh yes these are definitely MY definition of "good Alaskans".

I wonder if her definition of a "good child" is one who pees into the punchbowl during a dinner party?

"It doesn’t come free and often, accepting it takes away everything that is free, melting into Washington’s powerful “care-taking” arms will just suck incentive to work hard and chart our own course right out of us.."

Okay is it just me or does this section sound oddly sexual? Personally I am a little turned on by "Washington's powerful care taking arms" right now. Whew I am going to need a cigarette!

"I resisted the stimulus package and we have championed earmark reform, slashing earmark requests by 85% to break the cycle of dependency on a stifling, unsustainable federal agenda, and other states should follow this for their and for America’s stability."

Did she really just ask other states to follow HER example? "Yes other Governor's should quit their posts as well, to progress their states forward into being more independent of BIG GOVERNMENT". Oooh the crazy is strong in this one Obi wan.

Are those boos? Are they daring to boo the great Sarah Palin? Yep.

"Alaska will lead with energy, we will prove you can be both pro-development and pro-environment, because no one loves their clean air and their land and their wildlife and their water more than an Alaskan. We will protect it."

"Yeah those people in other states like DIRTY air, and roadkill, and filthy water! Oh we Alaskans are soooo much BETTER than they are!" I find this hysterical coming from a woman that we all know can hardly wait to get the hell out of Dodge. Clean air or not.

"Now, people who know me, and they know how much I love this state, some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir (at heckler) that I feel it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical, politics as usual, lame duck session in one’s last year in office. How does that benefit you? No, with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that."

My understanding is that the heckler yelled "Why are you leaving?" To which Sarah responded with the gobbledy gook of it being to "help" Alaska. Well you can hardly argue that her leaving will not "help" Alaska. Because of course it will. But did she actually say she was going to fight for "truth"? Because wouldn't THAT be a nice change of pace.

"....remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own."

Oooh she is doing the mama grizzly thing. I LOVE the mama grizzly thing!

"And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead. Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig…I think I got ‘em all.(Did she? Is that all of them? Let's see one, two, three, eight, yep that's all.....that we know of.) We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you."

Okay now we know how big of a lie THAT is. She had a horrible time as Governor, and after being out in front of those adoring mobs of crazy Palin supporters coming home has been like a jail sentence. And this is her final day in the poky.

So let’s all enjoy the ride, and I thank you Alaska, and God bless Alaska and God bless America.

And with that she disappeared into a puff of smoke leaving behind only a few winged monkeys and half of a charred broom. Okay I am just kidding, but seriously didn't it kind of feel that way?

So long Sarah! Have a good life! And please break your promises of helping Alaska, and America. No seriously! I would like you to focus on YOU for a change. (Hold in the giggles, hold them in.) We will be fine without your "leadership", just go out there and milk your fading fame for as much as you can before you disappear into the fog of American disinterest.

And when things get challenging just remember the words of the NEW face of the strong Alaskan woman, "Suck it up, Buttercup!"

(Okay before I end this post I have to give a HUGE hat tip to my friend AKM who stayed up late last night transcribing this word "fruit" salad for all of us to use in our posts this morning. Thank you AKM, I love you!)