Saturday, March 13, 2010

Ted Casablanca's Awful Truth blind item is NOT the Palins. At least I am pretty sure it's not.

Okay I have been sent this post from Ted Casablanca almost a half dozen times.

And sometimes people have become cranky with me for not putting it up.

So okay here it is.

The may not be swingers like Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off, but Henrietta Hard-Ball and her blandly good-looking husband, Elijah Schwad, have a convenient relationship when it comes to sex.

Like so many famous couples.

Henrietta's allowed to pursue (with ferocious abandon, mind you) her high-powered career, as long as Elijah takes care of the family and the home. It's an arrangement that's served both spouses well, for many reasons.

But ah, the only reason that causes us to really care about her is the one that makes Elijah happy. Can you guess what it is? A little bed-time dynamic that might make even Toothy Tile jump for joy?

Yep, you guessed it (otherwise you're reading the wrong column, really), Elijah lives to get it on with the dudes.

But like so many selfish men—is there any other kind?—Elijah also wanted a happy home and a family, so he brokered a deal with the attractive, driven Henrietta, who's about as interested in sex these days as Lindsay Lohan is in working.

So both kinda fake-married folks get what they want—a career for her, a harem of hotties for him.

What's even more interesting about this scenario is the fact that Henrietta and Elijah don't have your typical celeb following. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick they are not.

Let's just say that one of them works in a business that is mercilessly driven by what Middle America deigns right and wrong. If anybody in this corn-fed fanbase the kinky twosome so direly depends on ever got wind of the debauched details in the couple's sex arrangement, life would be over for them both—in seconds.

Hmmm. That's quite a gamble, wonder why either of them are even taking it?

Oh, that's right, Henrietta's never been known to see anything close to reason, completely forgot.

AND IT AIN'T: Gisele and Tom Brady, Mo'Nique and Sidney Hicks, Michelle and Barack Obama

Yes, I agree that the description of this couple sounds suspiciously like Todd and Sarah Palin.

However unless Casablanca has uncovered something that has escaped the notice of every journalist and blogger up here, the description of this man having sex with other guys precludes him from being Todd Palin.

Believe me I have heard almost every single kind of rumor that you can hear about the Palins, and I have never even heard a whisper of one like this. I could go down a list of all of the actual rumors I have heard, but I have no idea which ones have any validity, or which ones have been shared in confidence and nobody else is supposed to know. (I get a lot of those!)

But for the record, as far as I know Todd likes the ladies. Believe me if I knew otherwise I would probably have hinted at it by now. Or I would just confirm that Casablanca is on to something. But I have no information that leads me to that conclusion.

(By the way if you click the title and read the comments on the Awful Truth it is pretty clear they have little doubt that it is about Todd and Sarah. Gee I wonder who it's REALLY about?)


  1. Anonymous1:14 PM

    I know my gays, and they loveeeeeee to talk! In a small place like Alaska, no doubt we would have heard these whispers long, long ago, not to mention some of these boy toys would have loved to milk one of Hollywood's gossip rags, for Tiger Woods mistress style coverage.

    Besides, Todd isn't attractive enough to be gay!!!!

    All that being said, that would be one of the best surprises ever!!!!!!!

  2. Anonymous1:32 PM

    So where IS Todd these days? Changing oil in the ol' Mystic machine? Fixing the roof? Doing his own thing (or doing someone else)? Squandering the Queen's money? Seems high-school love birds are spending less and less time together.

  3. the problem child1:37 PM

    My money is on crazy-eyes Michelle Bachmann and her pray-away-the-gay nutcase of a husband.

  4. mocha1:39 PM

    My guess is Michelle Bachmann. Right wing, middle America, corn farmer.

  5. Anonymous1:50 PM

    You have to admit there are some INTERESTING clues like one of Palin's book tour stops was in Henrietta, NY!

    Hardball is a political show in competition with her Fox News gig.

    Elijah is a prophet from the bible
    which she quotes from often.

    Schwad rhymes with Todd.

    ferocious abandon as in an animal like, careless, often reckless disregard for consequences

    get it on with the dudes as in he was the first dude of AK

    brokered a deal as in her BOOK deal

    "Sarah" Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have an arranged/fake marriage

    mercilessly driven by what Middle America deigns "right" and wrong/ corn-fed fanbase as in the conservative, bible thumping, far right wing supporters

    life would be over for them both—in seconds as in she came in second in the 2008 campaign (mention of Obama in the AINTs)

    quite a gamble as in what McCain took in selecting her as his VP choice

    "right", Henrietta's never been known to see anything close to reason as in she's not logical, rational, intelligent. She lacks good judgment, sound sense and a normal mental state, sanity.

    Tom Brady plays for the PATRIOTS as in Tea Party patriots

    Mo'Nique and Sidney "Hicks" are another couple with an open marriage

  6. Anonymous2:05 PM

    more potential clues:

    Secretia "Ohio" is where she was introduced to the nation

    blandly good-looking husband could mean handsome with a BLAND personality

    Elijah takes care of the family and the home as in he QUIT his job to stay home with the kids

    driven Henrietta as in compulsive and competitive

    both kinda fake-married folks -- even you Gryphen have said their relationship is a fake!

  7. Anonymous2:08 PM

    Bachmann has been eliminated by Ted Casablanca already so it AIN'T her. Nor is it Michelle Malkin.

  8. Anonymous2:15 PM

    Some evangelical couple, I bet.

  9. hauksdottir2:29 PM

    It can not be the Palins.

    She doesn't work at any business. Getting paid $100000 smackaroonies for a half hour of unprepared babbling is not working. Todd has been known to sort-of hold down a seasonal job, but fisherman and oilman aren't the sort of careers that would be tanked by this sort of revelation.

    Besides, the entire family are celebrities: famous for being famous, with tabloid interviews and crowds of hangers-on and drooling fans.

    Given that most political sexcapaders are still in their jobs, I don't think it is a political family. There are a few female politicians in the heartland. Would Middle America actually care? If they are doing their job well, probably not. If they are aiming for the Presidency, they ought not have skeletons doing the two-step.

    What careers require a pure-as-snow reputation AND have media recognition? Religion (but all of the high-powered preachers are men). Newscasting (O'Reilly is still gassing, but Fox would hold to a double standard: plastic mouthpieces are replaceable). Teaching (universities avoid scandal). Business (Mary Kay is dead, and how many people in Peoria know of Jung, Fiorina, Whitman, Lazarus, Barnes, Mulcahy?) Athletics (if Tiger Wood's wife had been the one with multiple lovers, would it have hurt his endorsements? Unlikely.)

    That brings us back to media. But how many media personalities are not celebrities? OTOH, more people would feel betrayed by a scandal in the Winfrey household, than in the Palin compound.

  10. Anonymous2:32 PM

    Other recent teases from Ted:

    Jeez, with this kind of bitchy and Hollywood-esque behavior, Sarah, you're heading into Blind Vice territory! Or have you been there already?

    Is Palin morphing into the celeb "freak" zone, or is she still a viable political figure?

  11. hauksdottir2:42 PM

    Of course, we may be looking at this in the wrong way.

    "Let's just say that one of them works in a business that is mercilessly driven by what Middle America deigns right and wrong."

    What if it is the MAN who needs the social cover of a family for his work environment (almost certainly religious, with the nick of Elijah) while the woman is elbowing her way up a business that requires lots of travel.

    I'm going to place my bet on Ryan Dobson. Daddy-o declared himself sin-free and in a state-of-grace and hasn't lain with his wife for 30 years... but showered with little Ryan. Ryan's first wife left him: "Ryan was completely opposed to the dissolution of the marriage and that the biblical grounds that have permitted him to remarry are consistent with the scriptural understanding of abandonment."

    Aha! And look at the bio for Laura Dobson:

    "A California native, Laura graduated from Cal State Northridge with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Public Health Administration. In 1999, Laura volunteered with Youth with a Mission: Discipleship Training School and worked as a mission's team leader and a facilitator in the Surfers for Missions International Outreach, completing in 2001. Over the past 5 years, Laura has lead international missions in Portugal, Indonesia, Japan, Mexico, Morocco, and Netherlands. She also does consulting work with companies developing leaders and communication skills.

    She has her licensing in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). She is on the Board for KOR ministries. She is speaker and leadership trainer. Laura has been involved in GAP Youth Training Services since 2001 and is a Board member. Laura is a California Certified High School Athletic Coach and has spent time coaching local high school volleyball teams. She has her CPR Certification and Red Cross first aid training."

    Ryan might inherit some millions from his father, but he won't inherit Focus, and current income doesn't look that great. Laura, OTOH, has degrees and connections and sounds pretty driven to succeed.

    Unless Casablanca's couple is Alaskan, the younger Dobsons are prime candidates.


  12. Anonymous3:16 PM

    Tom Brady as in the Brady Bunch ala Palin style

    The movie version of this could be called Brokeback North Slope!

  13. Anonymous3:26 PM

    I think the younger Dobsons are a good guess. But I don't think it's them. They simply aren't famous outside their narrow circle - the wife isn't famous at all and the husband may have a famous last name but again - it's famous ONLY within his narrow circle. Ryan Dobson isn't even connected to Focus on the Family, the organization that made his father famous.

  14. Anonymous3:29 PM

    I don’t know Griff. All those years up on the slop with a lot more men then women. Having to sleep on the couch when at home for all those months that Levi bunked with Bristol, and this past summer when sarah chucked that bone ring in the drink. Had to be some reason for that. Maybe Toad is a mans man but knowing sarah who the hell would blame his ass..

  15. Anonymous3:41 PM

    I think it is Malkin. Her connection to Oberlin, Ohio. . .and I found internet statements that her husband Jesse Malkin stays home with the children.

  16. emrysa4:14 PM

    thanks for giving us your take on that, gryphen. I'm inclined to believe it's not the palins, but there is one thing that makes me skeptical of my position...

    over the past several months it appears to me that maybe the only one of sarah's kids that is todd's is willow. it's a pretty safe bet that track is not, the pics of piper look very much like a girl in another family (rumored to be tracks family), and bristol just really doesn't resemble todd at all. willow is definitely a palin, because she looks eerily like todd's sister's daughter. maybe todd and sarah got it on cause todd wanted to have one of his own? whothehell knows, but willow is the one in that family that stands out.

    the bachmann speculation is interesting, but she strikes me as someone who would run far, far, away from gay people. she's seriously ignorant.

  17. Anonymous4:24 PM


  18. Anonymous4:45 PM

    Wait. This Ted Casablancas Palin hit piece is fabricated but the other was not? Okay.

  19. Anonymous5:01 PM

    Anon 1:50. Great decryption ! Very interesting! I wouldn't rule out the Palin's. Sarah was very much lashing out at the media yesterday in FL--why the big attack this week? Hmmmm--afaid something is coming out ?

    Yes, Oprah occurred to me, but those gay rumors about Stedman Graham were out there years ago and she doesn't rely on the far right wing crowd for her base (thus no big scandal with them). So I don't think its her.

    Either a politician, evangelical or Fox personality. Who are the most gay bashing guys--they are usually the ones hiding something.

    And Dobsen did just step down....

  20. Ah ha! From what I have been reading it is SJP and Ferris himself.

    I have no idea, but have gotten real emails about that. Sheesh. I'd roll my eyes, but it is late.

  21. Anonymous8:38 PM

    Could it be little miss perfect Elizabeth Hasslebeck & her not so cute hubby, Tim?

  22. Anonymous8:41 PM

    Other people's private intimate lives are none of my business and the subject bores me a great deal. Who cares. Not me. Dull.

  23. Watching popular music videos gives me hope that the world is not as dark as I think it is. The youth of America; the creative youth, has the right idea. They are down with acceptance and they will not buy into this crazy right wing conservatism.

  24. If this is true I have to ask myself is Todd a top or a bottom? I see him both as a self loathing bottom and a vainglorious top.

    If this blind is really about the Palins the world may never know but wow, I'd love to be a fly on the wall in Todd's new man cave and see whether he takes or gives.

    "Have you SEEN Todd?"

  25. I really thought this was about Michelle Malkin, but apparently she has been eliminated.

    I'm leaning toward Greta VanScientologist -- though she's hardly representative of mid-western values

  26. Anonymous10:49 AM

    if this is true and 'they' really know who it is, then spill it what if they fall...they deserve to, and the followers of these people need to hear the truth. I would like to see these almighty, righteous preachers and judgers tumble off their pedestal.

  27. Folk's, it's not all that uncommon for a person to use a "beard" to cover for their hidden sexual orientation. I happened to have dinner last night with a professional couple, one of which is obviously gay. They also adopted 3 kids. My gay friends have said it's obvious this guy is gay, but for whatever reason, he is locked firmly in his closet.
    I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Todd was gay. If I was a man and married to Sarah, it would put me off women, too.

  28. Anonymous11:29 AM

    Also eliminated as of 3/12/10 - Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick, Kelly Ripa/Mark Consuelos, Michelle Malkin, Michele Bachmann, Nancy Grace, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Mary Matalin, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi

  29. catdance12:56 PM


    A couple of years ago, a friend of mine who lives in NYC came to me with a story: A good friend of his owns a restaurant. A waiter in said restaurant, a gay man who had recently returned from living in Alaska for a while, claimed to have had some sexytime fun with Todd while up there.

    Amused as we were, we sort of discounted it, as it was a 2nd hand story from someone we didn't know at all.

    But -- we also figured where there was smoke, their might be fire. I mean, what makes a NYC gay man claim to have had sex with Todd Palin, of all people? There are surely more impressively famous people to name drop.

    So... interesting that it has come up again.

  30. Anonymous3:48 PM

    Oh, Gryph. As if you have a clue as to what is going on.


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