Monday, April 19, 2010

President Obama to nominate Jesus Christ to Supreme Court.

President Barack Obama is expected to nominate Jesus Christ, an immigrant originally born to a virgin mother in Bethlehem, to fill the new vacancy on the Supreme Court. Although Mr. Christ is over 2,000 years old, He is immortal, so Democrats and Republicans expect that He will serve on the high court forever or until He decides to start the End Times. Republicans are expected to fight the nomination on the grounds that Mr. Christ would radically move the Court to the left. The GOP is also concerned that, despite decades of controversy and speculation, Mr. Christ has never revealed his position on abortion. Mr. Christ, according to many authorities, is expected to oppose the death penalty in all forms. Michael Steele, the head of the GOP national committee, issued a statement: "Christ is a complete mystery to us. He won't reveal His physical appearance and many of His positions are unknown or the subject of speculation. He is a stealth candidate. Why won't He reveal himself? Who does He think He is?"

Republicans are reportedly outraged that Mr. Obama even considered Mr. Christ, who has been widely quoted for his sentiments supporting the poor over the wealthy. In a Facebook post, former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin called for an investigation into the Bethlehem chapter of ACORN because of what she termed the "highly suspicious" coincidence that both President Obama and Mr. Christ had each spent three years as community organizers. In her post, Palin also wrote that "More and more of good God-fearing smalltime Americans from hardworking smalltime towns from great parts of this real America, West, South, East, North, are seeing more and more every day that Christ is a community organizer. We don't need another community organizer in the White House!"

Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) asked, "We're not even sure where He was born. Why is He afraid to show us his birth certificate?" Bachmann also announced that she would vote "no" when the Christ nomination came before the House of Representatives. Later, her congressional staff released a statement saying that the Congresswoman had forgotten that the House does not vote on judicial nominations.

According to Rush Limbaugh, "Christ doesn't know anything about free enterprise. This is part of the Obama conspiracy to drag us to socialism. If this guy is approved, I'm moving to Costa Rica." Sobbing, Glenn Beck attacked Christ's support for the separation of church and state, telling his audience "You know who else wanted a separation of church and state? Hitler."

Several Catholic priests were contacted for comment but refused to discuss the issue, and, even though they weren't asked, all empathetically denied that they had personally molested any children.
Democrats are optimistic about their chances of shoving Mr. Christ down the throats of Americans using normal constitutional and parliamentary procedures. Many Democrats are hopeful that Mr. Christ's past associations with prostitutes will earn him at least one Republican vote, that of Sen. David Vitter (R-LA).

If confirmed, Christ will be the first Supreme Court Justice who has at least one American city named after him: Corpus Christi, Texas.

I am not the original author of this piece (I wish I was), but it was so good, and so true, that I just had to share it.

There seems to be some question as to who originally wrote it, but I discovered it here. (And by "discovered" I mean herkimer, one of my readers, e-mailed me the link.)


  1. Anonymous5:04 AM

    Brilliant, there needs to be much more of these written daily to point out the hypocricy of the Right's faith based model of of ruling by divine righteousness, sanctimony and judgement. They are harsh. They'd be modern day Jesus-haters.

    Cue Sarah Palin's outraged ghost-written Facebook post where she decries the use of satire only appropriate for Rush Limbaugh. Her bots will similalry point out that she never said any of this (again, missing the salient point of satire) just like she never said she could see Russia from her house.

    Why is it that liberals are willing to laugh at themselves but the xtians are so threatened by everything? They are simply thugs. Thugs that want to take away the very heart of our civil liberties in the name of freedom.

  2. Anonymous5:21 AM

    Great post Gry. It's a classic for sure.
    Quite a few regulars over at Gates were saying yesterday they had a hard time getting your site to load. Don't know what the prob was but thought I'd let you know.

    Keep up the great work!!

  3. Perfect post Gryphen. . . . .

  4. Oh, that's absolutely incredibly clever! Thanks, Gryphen.

  5. sunnyjane6:54 AM

    Fantastic! I love it. Kudos to the writer.

    (One observation: I believe the correct word in the paragraph about the Catholic priests should be "emphatically" instead of "empathetically.")

  6. now, would this be the long-haired hippie, Jeiwsh liberal socialist Jesus Christ of the Bible -- or are we talking the 'Murikun neo-fasco Christ in jack boots and blond crew cut?

  7. The republicans are much more likely to support the devil. He is more inline with their principles.

  8. Enjay in E MT7:36 AM

    That is cute.

    As long as I can remember, God has never spoken directly to me, perhaps it is because I figured He had more important things to do. It just astounds me that so many Republicans have direct line to Him and knowledge of His intention.

    Should I feel slighted?

  9. Thanks for posting this Gryphen, absolutely brilliant!! And yes, let's please have much more satire and humor - you know how it drives the wing nuts f***king crazy!! Of course unless it is Palin approved Limpballs satire!

  10. I really enjoyed this. Great Post!

  11. Anonymous9:46 AM

    No wonder she couldn't a founding father..

  12. honestyinGov11:07 AM

    Gryphen... referring to what anonymous at 5:21 said about your site not loading or having issues... check the end of the Mudflats open thread yesterday as well. Some of us on Mudflats have tried to suggest to others having this issue not using IE and use Firefox. Some are stating that they do use FireFox and it still locks or freezes up their computer.SOME Mudflats users say they WANT TO read your posts, but won't visit because of this issue. (I use Firefox and have no issue whatsoever.)Don't know what to tell you. ' Something ' is wrong though.Maybe some suggestions to users about security settings or WHATEVER you think is causing the problem.

  13. kdusmdd5:25 PM

    I have an awful time getting into your blog site....but I wait and wait. Others that I have told abt your site, do not wait.They say something must be wrong and they do not want their computers corrupted. Everything was alright until you changed your format...........just wanted you to know.

  14. Laura7:47 PM

    I am one of those who stopped being able to log in using IE and firefox didn't work at all for me. My latest brilliant solution is to use Opera (for this site only). It has been wonderful. It is easy to download. I recommend that people try it.

    Brilliant post.

  15. Anonymous7:51 PM

    I would oppose his nomination too, based on some of the bullshit talltales about his feats of magic. I mean really, walking on water, 6000 year old earth, getting himself reborn, etc. This guy has some pretty questionable background credentials.

    And fwiw, he checks out o.k. on the list you mentioned. Just don't be taken in by a hippy face that makes it look like he's constipated or stoned on some magic mushrooms.

  16. Anonymous8:10 PM

    Yes, and if he did Mitch McConnell, John McCain, Grandma Hitler and the rest would be outraged and call the nomination "Unamerican" a socialist, a communist, and unchristian!

    And they would be right: Jesus Christ was not an American and practiced dreadful "socialistic" things like helping those less fotunate and redistributing the wealth. But I bet he would still be more qualified to serve on the Supreme Court then anyone of the bunch.

  17. Anonymous3:40 AM

    Dear Scarah,
    Yes, in heaven we CAN see you humping...fear not, 'tis natural and We like to make fun of, not only your technique but your facial expressions as well.
    Peace out.


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