Last night's "Sarah Palin sees Alaska for the very first time" was more phony than Sister Sarah's boobs at the Belmont Stakes.

Last night's episode focused on beefing up the Grizzled Mama's credibility as a true Alaskan, a great example of a working mother, and the antithesis of a diva.

And in case you were not picking up on the subtleties of the message you had the omnipresent screechy narration of Sarah herself to drive those points home.  In fact Sarah maintains such tight control over her message that hardly anybody else in the family got the chance say much of anything, unless it was a carefully scripted diary segment which unfortunately revealed that Bristol is not the only one in the family with no acting ability.

Speaking of Bristol she is MIA during this episode.  A situation which might be explained by the fact that this seems to have been filmed in late June and early July (They are shown celebrating the Fourth of July and Willow's July seventh birthday), which was just about the time that Levi and Bristol were rekindling their lust for each other which, in about a week, would result in an ostentatious announcement in US Weekly on July fourteenth.

This episode was just chock full of "firsts."  The first time that Willow has seen SO many fish (But remember Willow you HAVE worked on a fishing boat before, wink wink.), the first time  that Track has captained his Dad's boat (Don't worry that he fucked up your trailer Todd, TLC will pay for it!), the first time that Sarah and Piper have met their little Down syndrome cousin Matthew (And for that matter it seems like the first time in a long time that Sarah has interacted with Todd's side of the family at all.  I guess she did not feel she needed them until now.), and perhaps the first time in a long time that Track has had to celebrate July Fourth without his rowdy friends. (Sorry guys I can't get hammered with you this time, my mom wants me to help her with her shitty reality show. Well yeah, of course I get paid!)

Some of the segments in the show were so clumsy and obvious that it took me right out of the fantasy that Palin was trying to create. 

I mean I am not saying that Todd's grandmother DOESN'T use the customary Eskimo Ulu to cut the heads off of fish, I am just saying that it felt a lot like product placement to these old Alaskan eyes.

However the contrived segment of Track getting his first crack at being the captain of Todd's boat (What a coincidence that such an important chapter in the young man's life is captured for the world to see by a TLC camera crew!), was so phony that it almost played out like a water downed and mumbled version of the phony cat fights on VH1's "Rock of Love." (Now THAT'S an entertaining "reality" show!)

The same can be said for the "celebration" of Willow's birthday without her sister Bristol anywhere in sight. After we all witnessed how they seamlessly worked in tandem to humiliate and shame a boy on Facebook do we REALLY think that Willow would celebrate her 16th birthday without her big sister?  Uh, no.

However since Willow got paid to push her ass kissing little sister's face in the a birthday cake perhaps she did not mind having a fake party for the cameras and another real one with her big sis and her more camera shy friends later.

The other obviously scripted portions are the ones attempting to show Sarah comfortably interacting with Trig.  She is shown holding him quite a bit, much like she does for her book signings, but there seems to be a lack of connectivity between the two of them.  In fact it seems that Trig is much more comfortable with Willow, Piper, Tripp, or Todd,  than he is with the woman he is supposed to call "Mommy."  Just an observation.

Perhaps the show would not have been so difficult to swallow if everything that "happened" had not been accompanied by the Grizzled Mama's annoying narration, and the crappy mood music playing in the background. Here see for yourself.




See what I mean?  The whole freaking show was like that!

Perhaps the most difficult part to accept was Sister Sarah's crocodile tears while talking about Cousin Matthew and how that gives her hope for Trig's future.  Of all of the contrived segments THAT one was the hardest to swallow.

I am not sure who in this country turns on a reality show expecting to see "reality," but if anybody was looking for it here they came away very disappointed.  Nor can I imagine how this helps Sister Sarah appear any more prepared to sit in the Oval office, but as I said yesterday, I have a chronic case of critical thinking, so I am clearly not part of this program's identified demographic.

P.S. For those confused by my Belmont Stakes reference in the headline, does THIS jog your memory?