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Courtesy of MSNBC:Dearest Beloved Girl,
This letter is an apology. An apology for being an adult who has failed to make the world safe for you. Because you should be safe. Even when you make the sometimes stupid, often naive choices that teens make, you should be safe.
Your vulnerability should not invite assault and attack of your body or your spirit. And so I am sorry, because we have failed to teach your male peers that they have no right to touch you without your consent or to use you to meet their needs or to discard you if your victimization does not fit their life plan. I am sorry we have failed you.
This letter is also a note of gratitude for your willingness to report this crime, to take the stand, and to endure the viciousness hurled at you this week. I know the words that run in a loop in your mind. Don’t tell. If you tell, no one will believe you. If you tell, everyone will think you are a whore. Sometimes he is the one who says them first, spewing the words like mold spores that grow in the darkness of your silence. Sometimes it’s your own voice telling you, I can’t tell. No one will believe me. It’s the reason 54%of survivors never report the assault. It’s the reason I kept my secret for nearly a decade. But not you, beloved. You demanded the right to be heard.
You may have lost your voice that night, but you found it again when you told the truth–even though you knew, didn’t you? You knew just how relentlessly they would try to silence you. You knew that neighbors, and friends, and even members of the national media would mourn the loss of your attackers’ football careers more than the loss of your innocence.
You knew that even those who claimed to be sympathetic would pass along the pictures of your assault with a tone deaf voyeurism that seeks to make you a thing instead of a person. I think maybe you knew, or suspected these things, but you spoke out anyway.
And that…that is astonishing. And I want to say thank you, because you did what so many of us never find the strength to do. You spoke for yourself. You spoke for the 44% of rape victims who are under 18–and you spoke for my 14-year-old self, who still hears that threat echoing in my head, “Don’t tell. No one will believe you.”
So, this is my apology and this is my gratitude. This is me saying, “I believe you.”
And I believe you are inherently valuable. Not as a character in some grotesque news cycle where your assault is all we know, but as a girl with hopes and dreams and ambitions and vulnerabilities and so much more growing up to do. I never need to know your name, but I need you to know you are not alone. Surviving is not a single occurrence, it is a lifetime of making choices that honor you and your right to speak. You have begun surviving. You will continue surviving. And if you ever get down, or wonder how you will go on, take out this letter and read it to yourself.
I believe you.
Sincerely,
Melissa
If any of you have been raped then I don't have to tell you how incredibly powerful the words "I believe you" are to this young sixteen year old girl.
Melissa Harris-Perry is right, she deserves to be believed, AND to be protected.
What a beautiful letter. Thank you for posting Gryphen, and thanks for all that you do.
ReplyDeleteI've always liked Melissa Harris-Perry, and now I like her even more. It was also courageous what she did.
My heart aches.
"I've always liked Melissa Harris-Perry, and now I like her even more."
DeleteShe is a class act all the way...smart, thoughtful, insightful and compassionate.
And yet, today we hear of yet another rape of young girls by football players. Mothers and fathers of America, it's time we stop coddling our sons and ignoring the coarsening of this nation It's time boys were taught that girls are to be respected, not objectified as something to use. It's time the religious among us teach our children what Jesus really taught, not what Pat Robertson and the rest say to get your money.
ReplyDeleteMelissa wrote what many of us feel. Victims are not alone, but they are going to carry scars and fear for life. And all for the instant gratification of some oversexed teen boy who never learned self control.
May G-d bless the recipient of this letter, and Melissa Harris-Perry, and the mutely frightened fourteen-year-old girl Melissa whom once was.
ReplyDeleteAnd Gryphen, for having the sensitivity to recognize and emphasize well-chosen words on vital subjects.
Says it for me.
DeleteIndeed. Thank you, Gryphen, for sharing Melissa's letter with us.
DeleteGosh -- this needs to be seen far and wide!! What a great letter and what a courageous girl.
ReplyDeleteOne really sad part about this is that I can see why those teen boys were so stunned at the charges & the verdict. Some variation of this same scenario plays itself out on every college campus and many high schools every weekend and kids think its normal and "fun". And girls get so used to all the misogynist lyrics in those stupid rap songs & the dismissive way guys in music videos treat women that they think this is normal.
We have so much more education to do. It is encouraging that some of the GOP women in the Dakotas & Wyoming legislatures are stating to speak out and share their stories. Many men just don't GET IT !
The letter is beautiful and I hope that it helps this young girl to heal. I also hope that parents of sons and daughters will begin to teach them how to treat one another respectfully.
ReplyDeleteBeaglemom
What a beautiful letter! Namaste to you Gryphen for posting it and bless Melissa Harris Perry for writing it.
ReplyDeleteI’ll get flamed for sure, but I have to ask this question: Why can’t men just relive themselves behind a tree? Why do they have to rape? Isn’t their imagination adequate? I’ve seen plenty of guys scurry into the trees when aroused. What justifies the violence?
ReplyDeleteBecause rape is not about sex, it's about power and domination, there's no power in jacking off behind a tree, it's in forcing yourself on an unwilling participant.
DeleteBecause rape is not about sex~it is about power.
DeleteScorpie
These two young men could have easily gotten consensual sex, being bit time high school football stars. Sexually assaulting that girl was a game to them. They wanted to humiliate her and they did.
DeleteOld women are raped, too.
DeleteThey certainly didn't act or dress like they "wanted it".
Let's not forget about the physical violence of rape that is beyond penis in vagina or anus, horrifying as that assault is....
Men rape with bottles, broom handles, anything.
They punch, they kick, they stab and they shoot their rape victims.
And IF the victim survives, they are mentally and emotionally abused, told it was their fault, they caused it, and no one will believe them anyway.
It is NOT about sex.
Very brave and compassionate letter. Love Melissa Harris Perry, and truly touched that she would reach out to this young lady like this.
ReplyDeleteMelissa's letter should be required reading for all young women, young men and parents everywhere.
ReplyDeleteThe words that rang true for me were:
"Surviving is not a single occurrence, it is a lifetime of making choices that honor you and your right to speak."
Thank You for posting this and for your thoughtful words in closing.
Darlene, rape is about 10% about sex and 90% about the power to impose their will on another human being.
ReplyDeleteShe lost me at "Even when you make the sometimes stupid, often naive choices that teens make, you should be safe."
ReplyDeleteWhy was it necessary to quality "you should be safe" with "Even when you make the sometimes stupid, often naive choices that teens make"?
That is judgment, right there - and it makes the rest of the letter ring hollow.
I really question why Harris-Perry felt it was appropriate for her, who doesn't know the girl, to take it upon herself to apologize for something she (H-P) has exactly ZIP control over, i.e. making the world safe.
Just seems like an exercise in ego to me and an injection of herself into this tragic and infuriating situation.
But then I haven't been a fan of H-P since she declared that white critics of President Obama are all racists.
I didn't care for that sentence either. I think hp is trying to cloak the girl under the umbrella of: REGARDLESS of what you may have done, you did not deserve this.
DeleteMy umbrage is at the fact that I believe the girl was drugged. Yes, I believe she drank, but I think the boys drugged her drink.
They had planned on getting back at this girl because she dumped a fellow football player. He and his teammates were going to teach her a lesson.
They NEEDED HER TO PASS OUT COLD so they could humiliate her.
It was not left to chance., think roofies.
That is such an annoying letter. It's annoying because the author acts as if this girl is a hero, that she did something extraordinary. And she didn't. She survived, but not because she did anything; she survived because they didn't care to kill her. She felt badly for the boys. She sent a message via friends: she didn't want them to get into trouble. I believe she even said she forgave them- I think their lawyer said that.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, she's behaving just like any ordinary teenage rape victim- she's putting herself down, she's worrying about the boys and about having her friends at school not think she would be the one to press charges.
Because she didn't press charges. Her parents insisted. Because they insisted, she went through it, and I'm betting they'll have to leave Steubenville because this girl is going to forever be the "girl who snitched on some boys when she got drunk and went too far."
Please don't misunderstand me. I am fully in sympathy with the girl, and I think the rapists should be not only jailed but disarmed. but for the author to say, "you knew how it would be.." "You're so brave..." Nope. She's just doing what her parents wanted. If SHE had chosen to file a complaint and press charges, then yes, she would be brave. She just got trapped and had to go through with it. It was absolutely the right thing for her parents to have done. But the victim? She's going to be absolutely miserable going back to school.Her victimization will never be over.
Won't her former boyfriend be answering questions at the grand jury?
DeleteThis girl is a hero. She is negotiating an unfamiliar landscape. She needs the support and help of people like Melissa Harris-Perry, and she needs the support of people like you and I. And the help and support of the people in her town. She deserves it. She earned it. Those boys gave away the right to the help and support of friends and neighors when they chose to disgrace the town. Thank you for printing this letter.
DeleteShe's not from Steubenville, but from a town in West Virginia across the river (not that it necessarily matters).
DeleteAnd, you're wrong about her not being brave. I'm sure ever since she found out what happened to her she had to be brave, even more so when her parents pressed charges. She has to be brave every single day.
i'm in the camp of anonymous at 8:25 pm and ivyfree. i found this letter self-righteous, presumptuous, annoying, and a way for H-P to gain attention. i generally like H-P, but this is ridiculous. there are many ways this information could have been presented, but a letter to the girl, as though that girl cares what H-P thinks (or even knows who she is)? who, as ivyfree, points out, did not make the choice to press charges or carry through on own volition. this seems more like s stunt to me than anything else.
ReplyDeleteH-P = Huffington Poo.Almost as much censorship in the comments as the Cee of Pee (aka Conservatives for Palin).
DeleteHP = Harris-Perry. NOT Huffington anything.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! Thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDelete