Big budget "Left Behind" movie coming to a theater near you.

Holy crap! You know it's a good movie when it has Nicholas Cage in it, right?

This of course follows this weird Christian movie renaissance that we have witnessed in 2014. 

We had the abysmal God is not Dead, the Noah movie starring Russell Crowe, Heaven is for Real, and I understand there are several more coming to a theater near you in the coming months.

Of course the Left Behind book series has already inspired quite a few straight to video movies, and a few low budget theatrical releases, but none of them featured the guaranteed box office appeal of Nicholas Cage.

No this is big time folks.

And remember folks this is the Dominionist Seven Mountains mandate to take over the world by dominating the cultural peaks. Arts and Entertainment is the fourth peak.

And now that they have Nicholas Cage, they will be unstoppable. 

A brief review of Les Miserables, or "Why this film must be avoided by all men!"

Okay so I decided that instead of going to see a really cool action movie with people in spandex superhero costumes, or an unnecessarily violent crime drama, or a supernatural thriller with possessed little girls or zombies all hopped up on caffeine, I would go see a movie about the most depressing group of French people with absurdly inconsistent Cockney accents that I could find.

Les Miserable seemed to fit that category.

Now I have never seen the stage version of this movie, because I live in Alaska, where the height of culture is something we call the Fur Rendezvous. (There is very little singing during the Fur Rondy. Though there IS some prostitution.)

I went into the film expecting to have my mind expanded by the influx of culture, music, and artistic expression, but instead I left feeling emotionally devastated and hoping to NEVER get a hairdresser as incompetent as Anne Hathaway's.

Look I had high hopes for the film, after all it had Wolverine, Catwoman, and that Gladiator guy. So surely there would be some epic fight scenes and CGI, right?

Not right.

For one thing EVERYBODY kept singing some version of the same song, over and over again. I kept hoping for a different, more upbeat song, but noooo!

Now I love music, and Hugh Jackman and Hathaway have surprisingly beautiful voices, but  seriously sometimes I just wanted there to be a little Journey, or Foreigner inserted into the song catalog just to get the place rocking a little. (You know like they did in Rock of Ages. Now THAT was an entertaining musical!)

And the characters suffered SO much in this movie it was ridiculous. Wolverine stole some bread and spent the entire movie paying for it in one way or another. Catwoman got her hair cut off, lost a butt load of weight, and started to turn tricks in what appeared to be a coffin.  And that Gladiator guy was just a dick! ("Are you not entertained?" No, actually.)

The movie was so upsetting that I heard a woman sobbing uncontrollably behind me. And even more upsetting, once I glanced over my shoulder, I realized it was a man! And he was openly weeping like somebody ran over his damn dog while he was holding its leash!

In fact the film/play/Lifetime movie seemed to have been written specifically to reduce the audience to a bunch of soggy weeping snot infused wretches, who would leave the theater humming "I Dreamed a Dream" in between sobs and periodic attempts to blow their noses.

Now I am all manly so of course I resisted the attempts by the film to manipulate my emotions and drain me of my testosterone. However I did suffer an unforeseen hay fever attack (The first one ever) about fifteen minutes into the film and spent the rest of the two hours discreetly wiping my eyes due to the fact that they were watering a little. (You know, cause of the allergies.)

So my message today is that, yes it is a good film, but NOT for any men hoping to leave the theater with any dignity intact. Or for those who were hoping to see Hugh Jackman to go all "snikt snikt" on Russell Crowe's ass, Never happens, though in my opinion it would have GREATLY improved the movie.

You know, what did I expect? After all the movie is called "Les Miserables" which is French for "The Miserable." And now I know why.


Now if you will excuse me I have to go wash tear stains out of my jacket. (That guy behind me must have leaked all over me when I wasn't looking. The big baby!)