Female Texas Representative introduces bill that would fine men for masturbating.

Courtesy of the Dallas News:

If state Rep. Jessica Farrar has her way, men in Texas will pay a $100 fine for "unregulated masturbatory emissions" and undergo a digital rectal exam to get a vasectomy, a colonoscopy or a Viagra prescription. 

Farrar's proposed legislation, filed last week, calls on the Department of State Health Services to explain the rules in an illustrated booklet titled "A Man's Right to Know." 

Sound familiar? The Houston Democrat's bill is a satirical version of a Texas law passed in 2011 that requires women to have a sonogram and hear a detailed description of the fetus before getting an abortion. Those rules are outlined in a booklet produced by the state called "A Woman's Right to Know." 

"A lot of people find the bill funny," Farrar told the Houston Chronicle. "What's not funny are the obstacles that Texas women face every day, that were placed there by legislatures making it very difficult for them to access health care."

As a supporter of women's rights I am all in favor of this.

As a man however I am deeply disturbed by even the idea of this.

Which one would assume is the point.

Besides what do I care? You could not get me to visit Texas at gunpoint.

Christian website claims that sex toys can open a demonic portal. Who knew?

Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate. Dildos and all of those other sex toys have...
Posted by Eden Decoded on Saturday, April 9, 2016

According to the blog which you can visit here, marital aids or sex toys are capable of opening up a "portal between the demonic realm and your own life."

That of course is superstitious hogwash.

The real reason that Christians freak out about female masturbation, is that they do not like the idea of women having control over their own pleasure.

Fundamentalists especially want women to believe that without a man in their lives they will forever remain unfulfilled, emotionally, spiritually, and yes, sexually.

The idea that women are autonomous individuals who may or may not choose to love or be loved by a man shakes the very foundations of the patriarchal society that the Bible so aggressively tries to establish.

Remember nothing frightens an insecure man as much as an independent woman.

The Mormons have some words for you concerning self abuse. You know who you are.

Here are the guidelines contained in a pamphlet entitled "Steps in overcoming Masturbation."  provided courtesy of the United Humanists: 

A Guide to Self-Control 

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. (Ah so that's why Mormons are always found in groups.)
   
2. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. 
3. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present. (That explains why the Mormons have such small water bills.)
   
4. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. (Aha! THAT'S where the magic underwear comes in!) By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
5. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. 
6. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. 
7. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. (Yeah like wondering what that cute girl in science class is doing right now. Wait....) Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture (Yep nothing sexual in that book, right?), preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. 
8. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever -- not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind!

You know having personally known quite a few Mormons in my day, I would suggest that many of them would really benefit from a little "intimate part" touching.

If you get my drift.

Personally I think that any religion which spends this much time concerned about how people touch themselves in private is a religion that cares less about your immortal soul, and more about how much control they can exert over your lives.

South Dakota ends its "don't Jerk and Drive campaign. Wait, what?

Courtesy of My Fox Chicago:

Officials for the state of South Dakota have removed a “Don't Jerk and Drive” safety campaign after complaints about the sexual overtones of the message. 

The campaign, created by the state's Department of Public Safety, was meant to ask drivers not to overcorrect, or jerk, steering wheels while driving on icy and snowy roads. 

But officials opted to kill the campaign after multiple complaints that the phrase wasn't appropriate.

So to be clear, it IS okay to masturbate while driving in South Dakota?

I'm asking for a friend. 

Michigan GOP candidate would like everybody to kindly ignore his arrest record for masturbating in cars and elect him to office.

Jordan D. Haskins, candidate for the state legislator, and public masturbator.

Courtesy of Raw Story:

A candidate running to represent Michigan’s 95th House district in the state legislature wants you to know that once you look past his bizarre sexual fetish and multiple felony convictions, he is a rock-ribbed conservative Republican, whose “stool of conservatism” is held up by “faith, family and freedom.” 

Michigan Live reported Friday that Saginaw’s Jordan D. Haskins dismisses the arrests and prison time as the results of youthful indiscretion and said that he is ready to “move on from that and do what I can” to serve his state as a Republican state Representative. 

“I have dreams,” Haskins said to Michigan Live, “and I want to make a difference.” 

Haskins, 24, has served prison time in two states and is currently on parole, but there are no rules preventing him from running for the state House. 

On four occasions between April of 2010 and January of 2011, Haskins broke into vehicles on public and private property, disconnected the ignition wires, then started the engine. As the wires snapped and spit sparks, Haskins would masturbate to climax in a sexualized ritual he calls “cranking.” 

Haskins has lived in Michigan and North Carolina and has lengthy criminal records in both states, dating back to the age of 15. Early offenses had mostly to do with breaking into cars and going on joyrides. 

“I was just a lonely, angry kid at the time,” he said. “If anything, I could be put on ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals.’”

Valid point, after all who hasn't broken into cars, hot wired them, and then polished the bishop while listening to the vehicle's engine turning over?

Well me for one. 

And here I thought I was fairly well versed in deviant behaviors, and yet I have never even HEARD of this one.

And look I don't like to judge other people's sexual proclivities, but he guy DID get convicted for his, and this did not happen when he was an adolescent, but instead only three or four years ago.

Yeah if I were a voter in Michigan's 95th district I am pretty sure this would be more than enough to dissuade me from casting my vote for this guy.

Jehovah's Witnesses instructing deaf people about the perils of masturbation is now my favorite video of the day.

OMFG! I was quite literally laughing so hard I had tears the minute I saw the gesture for jacking off.

All of this time and I had no idea I even knew sign language.

And by the way, who even calls it "jerking off" these days?

That is so crude.

I personally prefer "petting the python of love." But that's just me.

A few more religious PSA's can be found here for your viewing pleasure.

But remember, not TOO much pleasure. After all you don't want to go blind.

I think I know why the Mormons are so uptight all the time.

I'm trying to imagine how much masturbation it would take to make me feel that I was left wounded in a battlefield, but I can't quite do it. I mean I've had a little chafing, but nothing that required a stretcher or triage.

The fact that the Mormon church views a perfectly natural thing, that is done by a wide assortment of other animals by the way, as dangerous, tells me quite a lot about their mindset.

By the way, speaking of mindsets, that knowing look the two main characters share across a crowded room makes me think that insisting that boys not touch their naughty bits, and avoid doing the deed with girls until their married, might create an entirely different battlefield where having a friend "lend a hand" might be the whole problem.

Rick Santorum explaining the Republican strategy for dealing with the debt ceiling.

You know, that's kind of what I thought.

P.S. By the way, speaking of Rick Santorum, he has decided to one up Sarah Palin's Christmas book, by releasing his own Christmas movie. 

Conservative Christian group "accidentally" sent Michele Bachmann a vibrator. Couldn't hurt.

"Wait, what did I miss?"

Courtesy of Raw Story:  

A conservative Christian political consulting firm nearly gifted Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R) with a vibrator, according to court documents obtained by BuzzFeed. 

The CEO of Strategy Group for Media, Rex Elsass, reportedly sent “female pleasure machines” to Bachmann by accident. 

In hopes of helping with her migraines, Elsass intended to purchase an electronic head massager for the conservative congresswoman. He sent an employee off to buy the device, but the employee purchased something a bit different and mailed it to Bachmann. 

The electronic device did vibrate, but it apparently was not designed to be used on the head. 

Sources familiar with the incident told BuzzFeed that the Christian group intercepted the gift before Bachmann was able to open it. 

Strategy Group for Media was lucky. Bachmann would have likely been baffled and insulted by the gift.

"Baffled and insulted by the gift?" Please, Michele Bachmann is married to THIS guy.

Are we to believe that she has not had to learn to "help herself" since tying the knot with Fernando Fruity up there? Yeah right.

I imagine that if the device had not been intercepted Bachamnn would have opened it, kicked everybody out of her office, locked the door, and spent several hours baffling her insulted naughty bits until she blew a fuse or blacked out from exhaustion.

Sent it accidentally, please.

Bill Maher's final New Rule takes on Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, and those who fear Atheists.

Courtesy of Mediaite:Maher said that between Republicans talking about masturbating fetuses and Sarah Palin rejoining Fox News, “this kind of was Christmas in June.” But Texas took that to the extreme, passing a law that would make sure that no one would be punished for saying the phrase “Christmas tree” in a public school, even though that never happens. 

Maher mocked the comments Perry made at the bill’s signing, likening him to a “bimbo” and Miss Utah. Maher noted how Perry was flanked by six santas and a rabbi, because in America, “it doesn’t matter what you worship, as long as you worship somebody.” He argued that religious people don’t truly fear other religious people, but they do fear atheists.

I could not agree more.

By the way if HBO pulls the video up above you can still see it by clicking the Mediaite link at the top.

Sending your children to Christian school to teach them morality? You might want to think twice.

Courtesy of Raw Story:

Authorities in Schaumburg, Illinois have charged a teacher at a Christian school for repeatedly masturbating in class over a period of 10 years. Schaumburg Christian School fired math teacher Paul A. LaDuke, 75, on Friday after a student reported that she saw him masturbating, according to NBC Chicago. 

After conducting an internal investigation, school officials contacted Schaumburg police Monday. On Tuesday, LaDuke was charged with sexual exploitation of a child. Several students reportedly told police that they were present in the classroom when LaDuke unzipped and lower his pants and then masturbated. 

“Through the course of our investigation, our detectives have come to believe that this has happened several times per year for 10 years or more, possibly,” Schaumburg police Sgt. John Nebel told the CBS affiliate in Chicago.

I am always on the lookout for hypocrisy, so of course this story really caught my eye.  The idea that parents sent their children to a Christian schooling order to protect them from what they see as the immorality of a secular school system, only to learn that one of the teachers has been pleasuring himself in front of students for possibly ten years, is the height of irony.

I am completely shocked that this type of behavior could have occurred for ten years without ANYBODY yanking this guy out of the classroom and getting him as far away from the children as possible.

I don't yet know all of the particulars, and I don't want to paint ALL religious school with the same broad brush, but I cannot imagine THIS type of behaivor taking place in a public school without officials being notified immediately!